The bigger risk you are facing is DIVORCE, though. Are you "uncomfortable" with enabling the end of your marriage because you wouldn't lift a finger to save it?

Are you very "comfortable" with her affair? Are you very "comfortable" with divorce? You sure seem to be extremely complacent.

Enabling an affair is taking the LOW ROAD, my friend. That is not what a caring spouse does. You sit around and act like you "don't notice" while she destroys your marriage? That just shows that you don't CARE about your marriage or her. You are the "friend" who drives his alcoholic friend to the bar. Sticking your head in the sand has not worked and will NEVER work. If she ever wakes up from her fog, she will remember that you sat by idly and did absolutely nothing to save your marriage. She will not remember you fondly.

Women want a man who cares about them. Your actions indicate that you do not.

Do you have an idea who the OM is? Is he married?

Yeah it's her ex colleague. He was married but believe he recently separated with her as he moved to a new place in January. (Home to apartment)

Believe me I'm not complacent - I want this out in the open and to start rebuilding trust. I've seen enough tonight to know she's at least having an emotional affair with this guy, enough to confront? or should I be patient to see if there's anything more?

Don't confront. Get ready to expose. Have you read the exposure thread?

What is your evidence that she's having an emotional affair?

So he is still married? Seperated is not the same as divorced.

You need evidence of the affair. Facts such as who, what, when, where, to what degree, in order to figure out a plan. Please use some of the snooping methods suggested several posts back. Go to the Operation Investigate section for more detailed info. You deserve to know the truth and it is not coming from your wife. If you tip her off, she'll hide it better.

Come here with anything you find out, and the forum can help you with the next step.

One thing I haven't seen addressed here is the legality of the snooping, if a full exposure is planned (with evidence) do you guys not worry about any potential fall out in states where this is all illegal?

Also any tips on finding out the other guys wife? I've been googling every which way to Sunday and can't seem to put a name to her.

He's in high tech too (security none the less) so his online info is very scarce.

My XWH tried to claim that I had obtained information illegally (about his finances). He said I had hacked into his account. I just said that he left his papers lying around and that was the end of the matter. Equally I could have said that he left his computer open and logged in. For snooping you have to prove intent.

Of course you are permitted to put spyware on anything that is marital but test it by installing on your device first to make sure it is truly invisible. Equally there is nothing to stop you putting a var under the passenger seat of the car or somewhere in the marital home where she is likely to be making secret calls.

Mostly you do not ever need to reveal your sources. My information on the Fat Slag came from backups of his device. He thought he had been really clever by hiding her information under a business name but forgot about search. I found a phone number he had been calling a lot and I just looked for it :-) Waywards are very dumb.

Found her... still trying to get a number. Would you guys recommend reaching out to her to see if she's got any evidence of the affair? If they are separated she may already know about it but doesn't know who its with.

What is your evidence that is illegal? I think you are way too hung up on this. We have helped people through thousands of exposures and never has anyone got into legal trouble for snooping. The reason is because it is not in the best interest of the WS to further expose herself/himself by bringing their adultery to the attention of law enforcement.

Did you read the advice to hire a PI? I am certain a PI could get everything you need in a couple of carefully selected days.

Please take your time and go read these 2 threads: Exposure 101

and this one: wifedivorcing's thread

Do you have evidence of the affair already?

Does the OM have a facebook page?

OM = Other Man? Yes he does but its completely locked down, no friend lists visible and he's not connected to my wife.

I've gotten his wife's phone #, tempted to text her to see if she suspects anything - perhaps we can collaborate together.

The best evidence I have is of intimate conversations between the two of them (non sexually related), to me that's sufficient to constitute that she's not emotionally invested in me but in someone else.

I would hold off for now until you have more evidence. Can you see some of the OM's FB posts and see the people who liked them?

What do you mean by intimate? An affair is a romantic relationship. Do you have evidence of that?

No can't even see his photo. It's completely locked down. as far as exposure goes I can really only expose it to him, his wife, my wife and perhaps a friend or two of my wife's. Both our parents are distant (and hers don't speak English). I really struggle with this concept too - bringing it out in the public. I feel it should be kept between us and them (his wife definitely deserves to know but if they are already separated/divorced she may not care.