I feel like the physical affair is a huge barrier. She is being so kind and following the MB rules except she occasionally wanted to talk about the affair once. I did that once too. It's a killer. The day comes off the rails because it's like we start back at the beginning. It really seems as though we are pretending and hoping. Both of us say we want to fall back in love but we are definitely not there today. I keep thinking that she hasn't told me everything...ugh. She says her conscience is finally clear and there is nothing else to tell but I am not ready to trust that. I also don't think my instincts are trustworthy either. It seems like she is bending over backwards to help fill my bank but after so long it seems awkward to me. I wish I could just read her heart.

This is all very fresh, and Dr. Harley told you that it would be like this for at least four months. Everybody goes through the mind movies. I can still go there even now if I try to. In time, you will find that you can choose not to go there. The simple fact is that the recovery process is the same for physical and emotional affairs. Both require extraordinary precautions to prevent future affairs, and the re-establishing of a romantic relationship that is better than what it was before.

You need to continue Plan A and give yourself time.

Yeah man, it's just another terrible part of the whole deal. I don't feel like I did very well with this, it took me a long time and I was very suceptible to triggers. It is part of why recovery is so difficult even if the WS comes on board. It does get better, but it takes time and effort for both of you.

Well...six weeks and counting. I hope it's just 4 months.

Listen to the clips in here.
Dr. Harley on How to Deal with Triggers

You actually have a lot going for you. Keep your attention on the goal - a romantic partnership that is better than it ever was before. You have the tools to get there. You have a willing partner who wants to get there just as much as you do. That gives you a huge advantage in recovery. Many guys have to expend great effort just to get their WWs on board.

You also don't have good options. Giving up is no solution. You will never find another woman with as much potential to make you happy as your WW has. She is the mother of your children. Leaving her will only cause your present depressed mindset to turn into permanent negative trauma that will impact any future relationship you try to build. Add to that the enormously high failure rate of blended families and you can see that this would be a very poor choice. Divorcing a recovery-willing spouse because you think it is too hard to try is a lot like burning down your house because you don't want to have to repaint it.

Remember 20-25 hours per week of fun time with just the 2 of you is key. You should plan a trip soon without the kids.

Great help on dealing with triggers. Also the house analogy is just what I needed. I know that we will go back and forth on an emotional level for some time and our strength will sometimes wane but the promise of a better marriage that we ever had before is what we have to stay focused on. I feel like I need to be more committed to that and try to focus less on my internal dialogue and doubt.

42, if you create a fantastic marriage, better than what you had before, this tragedy will fade into the past. But if you cut corners, you will limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and your resentment will grow every year. Please hang your hat on this simple truth-------> if you are happy in the present, your mind will not wander to the tragedy of the past. This is absolutely true.

However, in order to create a happy, romantic marriage, you have to follow this program. The most critical first step is the policy of undivided attention. This program does not work without that step. When Dr Harley was in private practice, he refused to take on a client who would not commit to this step because "my program will not work without it."

Harley recommends sitting down every Sunday afternoon and planning out 4 - 4 hour dates for the upcoming week. The dates should be out of the house doing things you both enjoy. No movies and no friends allowed. Your time should be focused on meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

This step will make the fastest, most impactful lovebank deposits. Here is the worksheet you should use. Print up several copies and use it to plan out your week: UA worksheet

While you are planning your dates, I would also make a plan to go through all the lessons in Surviving an Affair and Lovebusters. Learn and implement the basic concepts. Listen to the show every day so you really understand how this works. No having a plan is a plan to fail. This program really does work if you work it.

Did you follow thru with your spyware?

Sorry to be the debbie downer on this thread. I just would HATE to see you get hit with another d-day, given that this is early recovery of a LTA, in case there is any backsliding (one sided C, etc).

But that absolutely correct. The more somebody insists they are just over it, the less likely it is to be true. Really good extraordinary precautions have to be put in place so that you know that the affair is dead.

I haven't done that yet but will get it done this week and let you all know when completed.

Here's your show.

Radio Show of 42n8one

Doesn't look good for us. Since my last post, we have slowly gone downhill. Today was the first day in all the years I've known her that I didn't want to see her at the end of the day. We followed through on MB and she has been involved with everything but I'm not convinced that I can recover. It's now 55 days from the first D day and I feel better when she isn't around. I can't explain what happened and I won't make any decisions based on emotion but she seems to really want to make this work and I am on the fence at best. By the way, the exposure piece has side effects...the OM's father has called me a number of times (finally changed my #) along withe the OM and basically taunted me about what he did - and what the father wished he had also done with my wife. I thought about flying out there and handling the situation but I figure God has my back on that - and I don't look great in an orange jumpsuit. The first of those calls was almost like another d day for me. Please be aware that exposure does have some potential risks. Though in my case it all but guaranteed the end of the affair. So it served its purpose.

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow to help me work through my "being on the fence" about whether I want to work at reconciliation with my WS. I don't feel like the interest level for me matches hers which is unfair. I know that counsellors are not encouraged on this site but I need a little help breaking down and understanding what, if anything I want from her. Tonight she asked me for the 10th time at least if she should move out. The last five my answer has changed from no, to i don't know, to maybe so. It's so sad. We dated 7 years and were married for nearly 21 ( 2 of which she was in the affair...so I call it 19). I think MB is a great program and I think it has helped a bunch. I hope to return to it with renewed interest if I can get clear on whether or not I still wish to be married to this person I used to know well...who is now a stranger and a mystery to me.

BTW thanks brain hurts so much for posing the show.

You need to STOP talking about it and start going through the motions. I don't think you understand the devastation you have experienced. 55 days?? It is unrealistic to except you would feel better in 55 days. You have experienced a shock that is as great as rape or the death of a child. If your child was killed, do you think you would feel good in 55 days?

So going to a counselor to hash it over when you are 55 days from D-Day only brings the tragedy of the past into the present. As long as you are doing things like that, you won't ever move forward.

You want to feel better? Then start going out on fun dates. Bring the body and the mind will follow. If you leave the marriage now, your resentment will never leave. But if you stay with your wife and create a happy marriage - WHICH YOU CAN!! - you will get over your resentment. I PROMISE YOU!!

What a complete piece of trash!! I guess the apple does not fall from the tree. So sorry you had to experience that. Most parents are either indifferent or will support the betrayed spouse. I have never heard of a parent so degenerate that they attacked the betrayed spouse!!

Well, maybe not attack as directly as in this case, but my MIL did blame *me* as the reason she supported my WW's secret plan for divorce despite promising otherwise. In the end, she says my WW's talking to POSOM was wrong but my Exposure of the EA justified her subsequent actions and was the reason she supported the D.

In general I would suggest taking whatever your in-laws say with a grain of salt. The old adage "blood is thicker than water" always applies in infidelity, I can pretty much guarantee that.