Do you admire your wife at all? I am wondering because you are often telling us how dumb she is.

Please, study up on lovebusters. You seem to have a deeply ingrained attitude of superiority towards your wife. I would NOT want to stay married to someone who thought so little of me.

That is a very good point. My anger at her filing for D is pushing me to think negatively about her all the time, making me miss why I want to save the marriage in the first place.

WW and DS were at piano lesson last night, so I came home early and instead of buying take out, I figured I'd do something different cooked a nice meal for them. WW said she wanted to take a shower first so told DS and me to eat first, since DS needs to get started on his homework afterwards.

She came out of the shower and said "thanks" for the dinner. An hour later I asked if she is going to eat it, then she said no. So I ended up having to throw it away.

These negative feedbacks make Plan A so hard to execute.

That is the kind of thing Prisca used to do to me all the time.

I don't see this as a negative feedback. You made the choice to make her a nice dinner. She showed gratitude toward that. However, for whatever reason that you are not privy to (she really didn't like it, wasn't very hungry, or just wanted to stick it to you which it doesn't sound like...) she did not *eat* the dinner. Her not responding in the way that you expected or wanted her to is not 'negative feedback.'

How did you respond when she did not do as expected?

I cannot tell you how many times. You're going to be rebuffed and rejected. Keep at it, anyway.

I was disappointed but didn't say anything. I just put the stuff away.

Tonight we'll go together to our son's Open House at school. I'll probably take us all out to a restaurant to celebrate S's 3rd consecutive straight-A quarter. So many potential landmines to avoid! Hopefully the happiness from our S's success will flow over to her mood.

You will be rejected constantly. It will be a pride swallowing, non-recipocated journey, it is a battle with your emotions. You should have ZERO expectations of her at this point.


It is typical, She doesn't want you to meet any of her needs, that would be "cheating" on the OM. That is how whacked out their thinking is in the FOG.

Yes, I've been through this before, after D-Day and Exposure, I spent a good six weeks doing my best at Plan A. If you scroll through my thread you will find I was questioning why she wasn't responding, despite my best efforts and us having gone on actual dates by ourselves several times. I was told to up my surveillance game then I found out the real reason, she was gaslighting me and plotting divorce all along, with encouragement from her Enablers.

This time, the cat is out of the bag and I'm actively fighting the D. So I guess she's not going to "play along" and pretend to respond... It's so hard.

Also, this weekend my son and I will be traveling to my parents for a week. (She finally agreed to it). What do you suggest I do during this time while we are several time zones away from her? When I come back it'll be our 18th anniversary. Should I send her flowers? I went to the store today and none of the anniversary cards seem appropriate, given the state of our marriage.

Personally, i wouldnt go overboard. Maybe a card and flowers, or whatever you typically did in the past. It will be rejected and minimized by her, but it shows that you still care.

Do not go on this trip without your wife. One of the basic principles of Marriage Builders is "no nights apart." This is bad for any marriage recovering from and affair, BUT if you are in Plan A then you ESPECIALLY do not have the time to spend a week away from her. Your Plan A and your marriage is more important than a trip to see your parents. There is absolutely nothing you can do for her from afar.

This will be a death blow to your Plan A.

Yes, you should give her a card and flowers. You can get a pretty blank card and write a message in it along the lines of "Sweetheart, I am committed to building a wonderful life with you that is far better than anything we've had in the past."

More disrespectful mind reading ....

Don't do this if you go on the trip, btw. If you go on the trip, then you are NOT committed to building a wonderful life together. If you go on the trip, you should just go to Plan B immediately and put all effort into your divorce. Your marriage WILL NOT survive this trip away from her.

Never saw an answer to this ...

No and no

I suggest you get both.

My WW is asking for more cash. She opened up a secret checking account last year and started diverting her paychecks to it on 1/1 as she was planning the D. She refuses to use her own credit card for household expenses. I gave her $100 a couple weeks ago after she complained and I paid off all of her CC bills last week. I also gave her $5K for moveout money but she doesn't want to use it, she said her L told her not to. If she moves out she would have to live just on my alimony and child support.

How do I tell her no more cash without turning it into another Lovebuster?

Just don't say yes and don't give it to her. Don't discuss it with her other than that.

Have you seen your doctor about short term antidepressants, yet? I notice you keep asking questions like "how to cope."

Dr. Harley's recommendation is that you see your doctor (it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist, just your regular medical doctor will do) and tell him what you are going through and ask him to prescribe antidepressants for the short term to help even out your emotional highs and lows and help you stick to the plan and do what you have to do even when you don't feel like it. Antidepressants will help keep you thinking rationally and keep you focused on the solution to your problems rather than a feeling of hopelessness.

Dr. Harley recommends Wellbutrin because of minimal side effects.

I crashed at the end of 2012 because my marriage was still not happy for me and I was wearing myself out and feeling like I couldn't go on. I finally took Dr. Harley's advice and saw my doctor and got put on antidepressants. It wasn't long until my behavior changed and I calmed down and I was able to push through and complete the plan to get my wife to fall back in love with me. I think I was only on them for about two months. I wish I had taken Dr. Harley's advice on antidepressants much, much sooner in the process!

Antidepressants aren't addictive and they do not mess you up for life or anything like that. They just help you to rise above your emotions and do what you have to do.

Thanks, I think I will give AD's a try. I've taken Wellbutrin and other AD's before for a completely separate issue but I found they neither helped nor hurt me. They did make me gain weight but that might be less important now.
I thought I was doing much better until I read the RFO. That really put me into a tailspin. My emotions are like a rollercoaster daily now. Up to then I had been sleeping and eating much better so I thought I had it under control.