You should take such discussions to writing. Use a notebook or email to discuss things that are intense and emotional. This will give you each time to cool off before responding, and will give you time to compose a respectful response.

You are not able to handle such discussions in the heat of the moment at this time.

How long ago was this? Is he still having AOs? What will you do if he has another?

It doesn't matter if he calls it an affair or not. It was. No need to debate him over what you call it. BUT you do need extraordinary precautions in place so that this never happens again -- do you?

Did you expose this affair?

I think I am missing the point I have no problem with his job unless I have to get up between 3am to 5am everyday.

His AO was about 3 months ago and since then no he will walk away and go outside or leave. He was close to going to jail again and I think that reminded him that he didn't want to go back. I don't know what I will do...maybe leave for good? I did read where I should separate with him bc of the AO's but he guilt's me into staying. He says we will lose our house and he can't afford stuff without me and he wouldn't be able to see the kids, etc. I feel so lost as to what I should be doing. Sometimes I feel like I hate my husband, other times I feel love, sometimes I want to just get divorced and have independence because I feel controlled.

I have decided to let the "affair" debate go. He has told me that he blames me for it happening and honestly I'm sick of arguing about it and it really hasn't been discussed in months. I guess I need to read the affair stuff you mentioned. Yes it was exposed kinda hard not to when he had my kids at her house. This is also a struggle bc my oldest girls (16 & 14) don't understand how we are together when he did this. But yes it has been exposed to our kids and family.

My husband says I'm only happy with him when things are good and when things aren't good I'm ready to leave. He is right...I think about leaving constantly. And it is hard to read about how loving I'm supposed to be and put his needs first. He says I'm selfish and don't know what it means to be married. Maybe he is right....so confused!

That's a good first step, but he needs to take it further. He needs to get to the point that when he feels anger, his immediate reaction is to calm down.

Does he work with a GSR meter?


Why did he go to jail the first time?

You need to come up with a plan so that if it happens, you can take immediate action.

You will need to separate if he has another AO, and it will need to be for at LEAST a year as he undergoes anger management. He will need to prove that he is safe for you to live with him again.

Do you have a job? Do you have family you could live with temporarily while you find your own place? Do you have your own bank account? You need to plan these things.

He is manipulating you!! Do not negotiate separation with him -- don't even discuss it. If he has another AO, you're out of there. If he wants to keep you, he will do what he needs to do to make a safe marriage for you.

This is why you need a plan. Your emotions are going to be all over the map. You need a plan you can follow regardless of how you feel.

Don't debate it with him, but don't let the extraordinary precautions drop. If he will not take extraordinary precautions, he is not safe for you to be with. It REALLY concerns me that he blames you for his affair.

Unless you are divorced, then you are still married (even if you are separated). You are married, right? Not just living together? Do you have a legal marriage?

Um .... duh?


Dr. Harley advocates selfishness in marriage. You SHOULD expect that your needs are going to be met. You SHOULD want that. Is he willing to do that for you?

I remember listening about a GRS meter. I guess we need to listen to the clips again on AO. He went to jail about 2 years ago for Domestic Violence against me.

I have had plans twice before. I just always seem to make my way back to him. All of my family is about 3 hours away. I have my own account but he is wants me to close it. I do have my own job and can support myself and kids on my own. I would want to leave our current home because I can not maintain the yard on my own.

Yes we have a legal marriage and I felt the same way. We were still married! Like I said I have just dropped it. To me it isn't worth the debate. Yes he is very sorry and has cut off all communication with the other woman and I do feel bad for her but also I don't because she knew he was married but he told her we were done and getting a divorce.

Yes he is willing to meet my needs kind of. He doesn't listen to what I need he does what he thinks I should need. For example I don't need a lot of attention or affection but he does. So he thinks I should want affection all the time and if I don't then he says I must be getting it from somewhere else. I don't know if that makes sense

So can you give me some advice Prisca? Where do I go from here? What should I be doing or reading or listening to or planning? Also what does my husband need to be doing? We have talked about AO but let's say he has one tomorrow. I don't have a plan to leave. So how does he know if he has an AO I am leaving or is that the point that he doesn't know?

I remember reading some other posts about a woman who had a plan to leave and then left and her husband was trying to get her back and you gave her some advice to stay strong. I need to search for that. I'm just so emotional right now. I want my marriage to work but it always seems like a disappointment.

He's not "very sorry" if he blames you for his affair.

In other words, no he's not willing to meet your emotional needs.

Do not close your bank account.
Since you have a job, most of your planning is done. You need to think about where you would live if you separate. You need to make sure he doesn't have access to your money.

Don't tell him a thing about your plans.

If your husband has an AO tomorrow, LEAVE. Take your kids with you and leave as soon as you can safely get away from him. Go to a friend's house. Go to a womens shelter if you need to. Have some cash on hand for a few nights in a hotel. Or drive 3 hours to your family's house. Don't inform him of anything, just get out of there.

AND DON'T GO BACK. Your husband has a dangerous history, and he is likely to be even more dangerous in the future.

Do not tolerate a SINGLE AO from him.

And once you are out, do not go back until he has taken anger management for AT LEAST a year. I would also require that he personally talk to and work with Dr. Harley, and I wouldn't let him back into my life until Dr. Harley says it is safe.

Your husband has a lot of work to do. First, he needs to stop blaming you for the bad decisions he has made (his affair). He also needs to stop making demands and disrespectful judgments (He thinks that if you don't want affection as much as he does, you must be getting it from somewhere? Seriously?).

He is extremely abusive. He needs to work through the book "Lovebusters" and start making changes in the way he treats you. If he balks at ALL, I'd leave him.

A woman saves her marriage by setting the bar very high and expecting her husband to reach it to keep her. Set the bar high.

proudmommaof5,

What is your plan?

I have already planned to leave him twice before so I have a good start. I have my own vehicle and my own bank account. I have also switch my cell phone into my own plan bc before when we would fight he would shut my phone off. I have researched the rentals in my area and I can always go to Columbus and stay with my mom as a last resort.

And your right Prisca I have made so many excuses for his behavior over the years and I had actually started to believe that it was my fault that he had an affair. We married very young and he has always had this sense of control over me. I think if I would have just stayed away and went through with the divorce that I would already be on the road to getting my life back. At this point I just want to be happy and enjoy raising my kids. I feel like I don't have to be married....and don't know if I want to anymore.

We have been working through some Anger Management CD's and the love buster book. We finished the chapter on the 3 states of mind. At the ended we discussed this and I said I know I am in withdraw. I know it upset my husband to hear but we needed to get the kids ready for bed and didn't discuss it much further. This morning I got the following text messages....

Text #1-Is your preference to stay together and get through this and maybe be happy with me again or just separate and be done with it? I just really don't know what to do anymore I feel like I have lost u and don't know if I can even get u back on my side..I just feel like I'm not enough for u anymore and I really am unsure if I should keep trying and fighting to be with you or if it is too late

Text #2 I don't want to give up on you because I really do love you and desire to be with u forever just as it was originally planned when we got married but things are so messed up now and I feel alone and worthless most of the time and feel like I'm just here to help till u decide to leave or someone takes my place because you call me baby and tell me u love me and want to be with me but the minute u get mad at me u say ur leaving and it has me so emotionally screwed up and to the point I feel like I have no trust that u only have eyes for me anymore like u say u do and everything I say or do or ask is wrong and u get mad and want nothing to do with me..I just want my loving affectionate giving wife back.

Text #3 U don't like when I ignore u so why is it ok for u? It's not healthy either

Text #4 Hello

Now mind you I am at work. We had already talked on the phone on my drive to work. He does this all the time. Will text me and if I don't answer right back will blow up my phone. I don't always have my phone on me at work. I get called away from my desk regularly.

I don't know what to even respond. I want to say really maybe if you treated me better I wouldn't want to leave. I know that isn't nice but the more he asks me stuff like this the further I want to run away!

Don't respond. Just leave. He can win you back if he wants to do the work.

I posted on here towards the beginning of the year about my troubled marriage. About 3 weeks ago we had a blow up and I told him I was done. He said he would teach me a lesson and he called the police and said I was acting irate and raised my fist to him. The police came and they said it was his word against mine and that because he called first I had to be arrested. My attorney has been in contact with the prosecutor to get the charges dismissed bc my husband lied to the police. He put a no contact order against me and I wasn't allowed to go home or see my children. A few days after this happened I ended up in the hospital and had to have surgery for kidney and gall stones. I don't want to go into any other details due to the pending charges.

He dropped the no contact order and I was able to see my kids. I just recently got my own house on 9/3 and settling in with my 2 girls. He has the other 3 kids with him and they have come to visit a few times. One minute he is calling me horrible names, the next minute he loves me and wants me to come home. He has started anger management and counseling but I am skeptical that he can change. Our history includes that he promises he will change and get better and then it is back to the old ways.

I just don't know what I want at this point. He has done such horrible things to me and I know I haven't been perfect in the marriage but I told him serious changes have to take place but he wants to rush everything and I have to make a decision now if I want to be with him or not. Can someone guide me to the next step? I sent him a separation agreement so we can have outlined time with the kids & finances but it doesn't want to sign it because he said I can use it against him if I file for divorce. I don't really want to see him or talk to him right now but he keeps pushing for it and says if I love him and want to fix our marriage then we have to talk and see each other. He keeps telling me all the past hurt can be fixed with love if I just forgive him and let him hold me.

You should stay separated until he completes an effective anger management course and demonstrates safe behavior for at least a YEAR. It will take a year to make radical changes in his behavior. The same thing for you.

If I were you, I would file for divorce now and get a legal agreement in place. You can file and then drag it out for a year while he goes through his training. If he fails, you will be divorced. If he succeeds, you can drop the divorce action.

And you are correct about ending contact for now. I would get an intermediary who can facilitate any PERTINENT communication and can act as a spam filter. You husband is not safe to you now so you are smart to shut off contact.

It has been hard not to have contact with my husband. He is in anger management but he is saying that he needs to feel love and affection and effort from me so he can stay on track.

He said he is trying to get help to fix his anger but he needs me to understand that and hold his hand and show him affection in the process to help him be a stronger man. He said he is asking for my love, support and affection. And he is trying to meet my need by taking care of the anger.

I'm not sure how to take this. I feel like yes I want to work on my marriage but I don't know how at this stage. I created a separation agreement that states the kids schedule and how finances will be handled. Then he asked to have some ground roles and wants to schedule time for us and time as a family.

I love my husband but I told him what we have always done isn't working and things have to be different. The last time we separated he slept with another woman and he has already said he doesn't want that to happen again but he has needs.

He has also been saying that I don't act like I miss him and I'm happy to be on my own and now I can do whatever I want. I told him yes there are some times I am happy bc there isn't fighting and tension all the time. I have been able to laugh with my kids and enjoy them instead of fighting with him all the time.

What is the role of intermediary? Do I need to explain what their role is?

You need to contact Dr Harley, urgently, and ask for his guidance with this separation.

Your husband is a violent man, and now he is demanding that you "hold his hand and show him affection" - does he mean have sex with him? - while he has only just started this course, and is more or less threatening to have an affair unless his sexual needs are met.

I think he is dangerous, and he is certainly manipulative. I think Dr Harley would urge you to stay away from him altogether for a while. Please write to him at the radio show, today.

I am actually writing Dr. Harley as we speak. I told my husband we have done things our way year after year and our marriage is in shambles. I told him I will do whatever Dr. Harley tells me to do. I can't live in a marriage like this anymore.

And yes that is what he is talking about. He said he has sexual needs and if I don't meet them someone else will.

Well, I think you should give him your blessing and wish him the best as you put the phone down on him.

However, Dr Harley will have a more Marriage Builders way of getting you to accomplish this. Please make sure you put that detail in your letter, and include, more or less, what you wrote in your first post in this thread.

He just won't stop texting me after I have asked him to please stop.

He said...I am trying to get you to understand that you have pushed me away so much that I need you now once and for all to be in my corner and stay in my corner to help me get through this. I need ur love and affection I have been starved of it for so long and feel almost empty.

So I am begging you to let go and love me like you know you need and what to without reserve. I will do the same and I have already shown I am more open to discussing things and not shutting down. That book said a man is only as strong as the woman who stands beside him. Makes perfect sense to me because when you push me away I feel like giving up too and when I feel your love and affection and your on my side I feel more powerful.

I haven't been responding so he asked if I was ignoring him. And he said you know that helps nothing to ignore me or shut me out. Open communication is needed. I promise we will get further and feel better if we can actually talk and not shut down.

I just don't know what to do anymore. All of our "talks" turn into fights. I hope Dr. Harley has some advice because my husband is right we he pushes and pushes I just feel like being alone and I don't want to see him or talk to him.

I told him I won't be communicating anymore until I hear from Dr. Harley.

His response: so what are you saying we are just done then? U won't wait a damn year for me to change I already know it. Guess you don't want to be with me if this is how you are going to be. Just file for divorce I'm done with your [censored]. You are just playing games.

It is so hard not to respond because I know he is hurt but I don't know what else to do bc what we have been doing isn't working.

While you are waiting for feedback from Dr Harley please keep yourself and your kids safe. Your husband may be very dangerous and carry through on his earlier threats. Please do not follow any of your normal routines such as picking kids up or dropping them off and find a place to stay t that he would never guess the location. Do you have family or friend support and help to do this?

He is a bully. He is dangerous. Do not communicate with him any more, and stay away from him.

How does he collect the kids?