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Do not engage the request for money.

Have you read about the Art of War here?

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Originally Posted by apples123
Do not engage the request for money.

Have you read about the Art of War here?

No, can you post the link?
She's saying she needs cash to buy things for son... Hmm... She has a credit card...?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Left,

From the standpoint of a guy who has been married for a long time (since 1969), and has had to learn how to deal with a W with a mental illness and now a nursing home, it's clear to me you don't have the desire, the gumption and the guts to attempt to recover your M. It's all about money and control of your W to you - not sincere love and concern for your W! You've merely succeeded in spending 50+ pages here whining about yourself as a victim, and disrespecting and even degrading your W. Urging and funding your W to move away is Not a part of Plan A. I cannot for one minute believe that your W is really as bed a person as you attempt to present her. Yes, perhaps, in an attempt to sever from you she will do some seemingly desperate things, but again it's her attempt to free herself from you.

Prica IS right - you are not learning and haven't learned how to take advice and you continue to bobble your Plan A attempts. It goes back to your obvious selfishness which I believe your W is rejecting now. It DOES appear all about YOUR (Yours and her) money to you. She does know you much better than anyone on this forum does, and I thing her reaction to you is from years of bad treatment! I will say that I do understand that you are trying to battle an affair, and while it's not fair to you and your M, your attitude and behavior as you express here is not aiding you in this battle. Prica nailed it - little things like avoiding her even when you're upset, treating her as being 'dumb', which you constantly do here and am sure you relay to her in person, and simply lack of adult conversation with her - means you do not respect her, and there can be no loving marriage without mutual respect. So, my advice Left is to stop the whining here - you are acting like a five-year-old - and go to PLan B ASAP to at least relieve the tension between the two of you and preserve some respect for each other.

Tom

Last edited by Tom2010; 04/01/16 12:03 AM.
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Left,

Have you considered a consult with Dr. Harley, or your minister or priest? I say this because you seem to be driven by vindictiveness now, and an experienced counsel may help redirect you.

Tom

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Originally Posted by Tom2010
Urging and funding your W to move away is Not a part of Plan A. I cannot for one minute believe that your W is really as bed a person as you attempt to present her.

I followed the advice of several posters on the board, including Melody L., to facilitate her moving out of the house. The theory that was presented was that it will help break WW from the fog of the EA that she has carried on for pretty much our whole marriage.

However, as of now, going on two months, she has not moved out. From her latest filing it doesn't appear she will move out before April 20. She and her L are using it as part of a legal tactic to extract more money before she does.

If I were to follow your advice and go to Plan B, is that even possible to do in an in-house separation?

And yes, I have talked to therapists and counselors in person about my situation. They seem to have a lot more sympathy and understanding toward me than you do. They have a true desire to help me rather than to rip me apart for every failing.

Last edited by LostOnLeftCoast; 04/01/16 01:14 AM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Lost,

You are missing the point again...

Consider learning here is like a marriage boot camp - no pain no gain.

You have great feedback that should allow you to see yourself as other people see you, which would give you an opportunity to work on your shortcomings and improve yourself.

Criticism here is not a personal attack on you. Again, using training analogy, it's like your trainer points out your mistakes, so, you can choose to work on them and improve your technique. You can choose not to, of course, but that's your choice. The trainer's job is done.

Everyone understands that's extremely difficult situation for you. However, sulking doesn't help. Working on you and learning and improving yourself does.



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Yes, I will take Prisca's suggestion and get on AD. Picking up Wellbutrin tomorrow, hopefully it will return my perspective to "normal."
I do appreciate positive criticism but a lot of the comments seem outright abusive. It's almost like they are "blaming the victim" for the Affair. I followed the plan to Expose, etc. and worked a very good Plan A. When it didn't work, it seems like everyone is attacking my game.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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If I were to follow your advice and go to Plan B, is that even possible to do in an in-house separation?
No.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Yes, I will take Prisca's suggestion and get on AD. Picking up Wellbutrin tomorrow, hopefully it will return my perspective to "normal."
I do appreciate positive criticism but a lot of the comments seem outright abusive. It's almost like they are "blaming the victim" for the Affair. I followed the plan to Expose, etc. and worked a very good Plan A. When it didn't work, it seems like everyone is attacking my game.

If you would focus on discussing what you need to do rather than discussing whether you are right or not, then you would have those comments in proper perspective. Don't focus on justifying yourself; focus on finding answers to the question "What should I be doing that I am not doing if I want to save my marriage? What should I stop doing if I want to save my marriage?"


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Yes, I will take Prisca's suggestion and get on AD. Picking up Wellbutrin tomorrow, hopefully it will return my perspective to "normal."
I do appreciate positive criticism but a lot of the comments seem outright abusive. It's almost like they are "blaming the victim" for the Affair. I followed the plan to Expose, etc. and worked a very good Plan A. When it didn't work, it seems like everyone is attacking my game.

Lost, is your doctor sure Wellbutrin is the right AD for you to try? (I thought I read earlier that you took it for something else in the past and it didn't seem to affect you one way or the other.)

Regardless, I hope it helps, ADs have made night and day difference for me me so I am always so hopeful they will help everyone.

Re the criticism of you -- I think it sounds harsher than it is intended. I have no advice for your situation so I don't jump in but I very much admire how hard you are trying and your tenacity.

Just remember your stated goal right now is to save your marriage. So even if you are 100% justified in thinking negative things about your WW, people who are trying to help you save your marriage are going to hone in on how YOU can change and what YOU can do better to hopefully shift the dynamic.

Your wife isn't on here asking for help. If she was, I'm sure she'd get plenty of challenging advice.

You have to ask yourself, do you want to be right, or do you want to save your marriage? Good luck!

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Anywife,
My current MD said Wellbutrin has few side effects, so to try that first. I've taken Paxil, Effexor, and some other SSRI drugs about fifteen years ago to treat lower back pain (another friend who is an MD thought they might help me relax my tense muscles). But they didn't do much for me and I wasn't depressed then. I basically did more stretches and massage to fix my problems then. But mostly I just ignored it and it didn't bother me as much.

Thanks for your support. Many of my friends told me to write this marriage off. They can't believe I'm still trying after being betrayed twice. They keep telling me to detach and move on, 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway, and think I'm being stubborn trying to win back someone that's proven to be unfaithful. But I can't help it, my heart is still telling me it is possible to R. I have so many good and wonderful memories of our marriage over 18 years. I'm sure WW can remember them too if she can break the fog.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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We prod you toward your objective. You have the basic strategy of Plan A but your tactics are ineffective because you lose sight of the objective in the moment. We are trying to correct your tactics.

Plan B is riskier but can also be effective to save the marriage . It is most effective after a solid plan A because your absence leaves a big black hole inher life. Initiating Plan B is better than executing a bad Plan A. Plan B also protects you ( which is its primary objective).

A bad Plan A, also known as Plan C, is completely ineffective. You confirm the worst narrative your spouse developed for the "real" story ofthe relationship.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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It seems like I cannot start on Plan B until my WW moves out of the house. So I should try to do as good of a Plan A now as possible?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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So I should try to do as good of a Plan A now as possible?
Can you?

Did you go on that trip without your wife?


Markos' Wife
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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Been on Wellbutrin for a week now, have not notice much effect. I still wake up in the middle of the night with terrible thoughts and dreams. I guess these are part of the panic attacks. Then I stay awake for a while, and eventually fall back to sleep if I force myself to lie down. Will give it another week before going back to MD.

I noticed things have been moved out of the house, I am guess WW is planning her move soon. Makes me sad but I expected it. Just took her and DS to a nice meal and she scarcely had a conversation with me, and frequently avoided eye contact. I wonder what she is up to? Perhaps she is preparing herself to be emotionally detached from me for when she moves out.

Ordered a very nice and large bouquet for delivery tomorrow to WW's work. Put a loving message on the card and am having a local florist deliver it, so it will not require any work from her to put in vase, etc. which was her complaint the last time. Hope she will appreciate the thought and not turn into anger like for Valentine's Day.

Last edited by LostOnLeftCoast; 04/10/16 03:22 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Mar 2012
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if you have noticed things missing, it signals the "land grab" that will take place when she does move. I would quietly "remove" things that are important to you and stash them with someone. Especially high value items and heirlooms. Once they are gone, I guarantee you will never get them back even with a court order.

Be prepared with a documented list of items in the house, you will need detail as she and her attorney sound like the type that will stick it to you in the divorce. This is for financial purposes for division of assets.

None of this is Plan A, but it is protection for what appears to be coming.


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Originally Posted by NebDane
if you have noticed things missing, it signals the "land grab" that will take place when she does move. I would quietly "remove" things that are important to you and stash them with someone. Especially high value items and heirlooms. Once they are gone, I guarantee you will never get them back even with a court order.

Be prepared with a documented list of items in the house, you will need detail as she and her attorney sound like the type that will stick it to you in the divorce. This is for financial purposes for division of assets.

None of this is Plan A, but it is protection for what appears to be coming.

Good advice.
She did itemize a painting that her dad gave us in her initial request through her L, but I asked that be held until final separation so that I can have it valued if necessary.
I definitely will start putting things "away."


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
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Did you go on that trip without your wife?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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I was wondering that as well.

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