I am new to this site and I need advice.
I found out in Dec 14 my husband was using a private chatting app and pretending to be something he is not! I was immediately disgusted and devastated at what I was looking at. I was not snooping just looking at the new phone I had bought him for xmas and wondered what the fuss was about (it is a iPhone). After 6 months of trickle truths and finding a hell of a lot more, emotional affair as well as sexting,photos etc on other apps, I was completely drained and wondering how the hell he could do this to me and 3 kids.
He was equally devastated when he walked in to the room and looked at me with his phone in my hand. I asked him to leave but he refused, we argued all night and I left the next day to stay with a friend for the night. I returned next day as my friend told me this was so out of character and I needed to get an explanation. He only told me half truths that day and based on that I agreed to try and work things out but very slowly the truth came out and finding his words to his online mistress sickened me to the core.
I still do not understand this over the top online stuff, he has told me he didn't love her it was just someone who was playing the same "game" and he just went crazy with it. But I have a hard time believing this. I feel I don't know him he is doing all the right things he does not use internet anymore and everything has been deleted. He just wants us to move on and promises me the earth every day but I am so ashamed to be married to someone like this, I am not a prude or embarrass easily but this has completely done me in. I made it very clear from the beginning I will not tolerate cheating and I will leave but it is not that easy when you have kids to think about. I feel burdened and trapped and the images and messages play constantly through my head and I feel I can't get over it ever 😔

Hi Gem, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I would start by finding out everything you can about this woman. You need her name, marital status, everything. I would then expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so as long as this is kept secret, the affair can resume. Please go read the exposure thread in my signature.

In the meantime, you will want to get the book Survving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. You have made a great first start by having him eliminate the internet. I would also suggest you get some spyware on his phone [without his knowledge] so you can see what he is doing.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Snooping will help your marriage immensely. It will help you hold him accountable and it will give you peace of mind. You should have access to everything and should be checking often. Putting a spyware program on his phone that sends you reports will be a great asset.

You can also retrieve deleted texts, etc if you feel you don't have the full story.

Do you know if the OW is married?

Hi thank you for replying.
She is a catfish, which is why I'm so angry I think, her profile pic came from a "hot hd wallpaper" site which she filtered and said it was a pic from her holiday in mauri! She had about 6 men on the go whilst doing this with my h. She would tell them to not post on her pictures on her wall because her ex was stalking her, lure them onto a private chatting app and tell extraordinary lies about how awful her life was. She told my husband on this app she was going to kill herself and goodbye and never spoke to him again ( something she did with them all). My h in a panic ( because he thought he would have police at door if she had) wrote all over her pics about how much he loved/missed her, sent her songs and spoke to her other friends ( girls) asking if they heard anything. It had been nearly 3 months since he spoke to her when I found it. She claimed to be Dutch, I'm not sure though, pic was of a Danish model. When spoke to our mc about her he said she was a sociopath who was a chameleon making men believe she was their perfect women. I know from posts from her online friends she did disappear from that app and the private one. When I was investigating her I found her on another site and in anger made an account and wrote she can have my h etc she replied back telling me to keep him she didn't want him and said he was the one taking it seriously. She deleted her account when 2 onlne lovers on there started to compare notes after what I had said and realised what a fake she was.
I can honestly say I have no threat about her and I showed my h everything so he knew she was fake too. He only realised all this when shown it him which made my blood boil because it was so easy to find out what she was doing with other men, he also said he wasn't bothered because it made him feel good having that attention and playing the hero! This is the only one he had an EA with the others were outrageous flirting and sexting.
I have told close friends and oldest daughter knows( 17). My boss knows because I had a break down at work and I was off for 2months. My h was going through a very rough time at work and then was sexually assaulted whilst at a party by another man. He became depressed and found an escape online and then it got out of hand, I only found out when all this came out and he finally broke down and told me he could not tell me about work and assault because I was going through hell myself.
It's such a mess and my head is wrecked from all this.
I am from uk by the way.

Trust me, she is a real threat. The fact that she lied and had other creeps lined up does not negate the feelings your husband had for her. We have had hundreds of people leave their spouses in very similar situations. It is important that you recognize the threat and take action. Which I believe you DID by eliminating the internet for your husband. That was absolutely essential.


I would include other family members. The more people who know, the better. Exposure is the most effective 1st step in recovery.

This was my point to him if she could do this anyone can. My h is very gullible at times and places too much faith in people, what he has now learnt is that this type of thing has happened throughout his life ( friends, family etc). He is a doormat type of person which has always annoyed me. My h has learnt a lot about himself how he views friends and has said this was a blessing in disguise for him because he truly believes something had to wake him up and grow up. He has never had to sort his problems out because me, his mum and sister has always done this for him. Now he is having to sort this out himself and says he will never give up because this has made him realise how much he loves us all and never wants to leave. All the people he spoke to online were from different countries never from uk which makes me believe he had no intention of meeting anyone. He denies having any true feelings for her ( if it was a she) he says she was part of his escape and it sickens him that it all went too far. I'm not so sure which is why I am having a hard time, how can I trust him again if I think he is lying? I have been told I might have to take a leap of faith and give him benefit of doubt if I am to move on.
In response to Internet stuff, it was his idea to not use Internet unless I was with him. He got me an iPhone and linked it to his and iPad so he can't do anything or download without it coming to my phone too. He has not used FB since I found it and I know this because his logging in log backs this up ( he has not used FB for hooking up with anyone I checked everything on the activity log). He begs nearly every day to give him a chance and love him again, this seems to have broken him completely.
He knows I don't need him and I am more than happy to be on my own if that what it takes. My child hood experience has made me extremely independent and I have always viewed him as someone who enhances my life and makes me happy, not someone I need because I am lonely. I am not a jealous person and I have always looked on the bright side but this was the final straw I think and my traumas from the past have all come together and broke me completely. I have no faith in people anymore and don't see how I can ever be happy when bad things always seem to ruin everything.

I would find out if your H spent any money on her.

These aps use fake women to get men to pay to subscribe to them. Also, she could have given him a sob story and asked him for money directly.

She may be a sociopath, but I'd expect a sociopath to have a bigger purpose than "it amuses me" for keeping 6 guys on the hook.

The extraordinary precautions Melody posted to you from the book Surviving an Affair will:

1. Prevent your husband from doing anything like this again, including other actions that affect your marriage. If he is a pushover it will help him be strong to know you can see all that he is promising people without talking to you first.

2. You won't need to make a "leap of faith" if EPs are in place and you know this type of event can't be repeated.

Also - I would have him take a polygraph test to help you feel confident you are getting the truth. It is unreasonable to tell YOU to make a "leap of faith" based on trickle truth that you can't trust. If he's told you the whole truth he will have no problem taking a polygraph to reassure you.

Gem, can you please break your posts up into paragraphs? They are very difficult to read.

Having a "leap of faith" and giving him a completely unwarranted benefit of the doubt will sink your marriage. That is why affairs occur. The affair happened in the first place because you trusted him too much.. You won't trust him if you try to pretend you trust him. It will make it worse. What you should trust is what you can see. This is why extraordinary precautions are so critical; they keep you focused on ACTIONS rather than empty words.


That is very good!!


It is a good idea to completely delete facebook. It is a very tempting place where many affairs begin.

Sorry I am new to all this.

He never spent a penny on her. I asked the same question to him " why would she go to those lengths for no return?" The questions she asked him about job etc would have told her we didn't have much money.

The romantic stuff on public site lasted a month then she got him to download private app and they spoke handful of times. My h said he couldn't understand at the time why she got him to do that when there were no pics she claimed she couldn't send a pic because her phone memory full. So all in all the whole thing lasted 2 months.

H has said the only way to prove his innocence is to take a lie detector so we looked into it and found one close by. It is going to cost �500 unfortunately due to our financial situation I cannot afford this.

My h mum knows and is absolutely disgusted by it all. She cheated on his dad which resulted in a divorce. She claims my h is just like his dad, a total flirt, after years of putting up with his behaviour she eventually cheated on him and left although his dad was willing to forgive. She said she regrets it all and is angry that he would be willing to put his own kids through all that.

I am so humiliated and ashamed I cannot bring myself to tell anyone else. My mum mentally and physically abused me as a kid and although we sort of get on now I cannot tell her as she would deliberately makes things difficult and make sure everyone knows. The people who know are trusted friends and family who are supportive and do not take sides.

We have bought a memory stick to get the photos off FB and then it's going to be deleted afterwards. The only access to Internet is through iPhone and iPad because the laptop is broken and I can't afford to replace at moment.

It was my h who found this site and has been referring to it for over a year. He searches for answers to our problems but he doesn't know I am talking to you.

He has done everything on your list and still does he asks what do I need from him to be able to move on. I reply the truth, but what he has wrote to her and what he says to me don't make sense why go through all that effort for no return? He says because it was just making him feel better and in control and he didn't have to think about the stress he was under. It wasn't about her it was about making people believe he was a wonderful great man that every women wanted. He was flirting with everyone it was like he was possessed!

We disagreed for the first month of finding out that it was cheating. He said he never physically touched anyone so how was it cheating. I then used the Internet to prove my point and mc told him straight too it was all cheating. He was devastated that he had cheated on me and kids and said he thought it was harmless flirting that got out of hand. He knew it was wrong and thought I would just be angry if I found it the more he got away with it the more boundaries he pushed until it was out of control and he felt a compulsion to do it more.

He never once thought he was having an affair apparently that's a mans mentality they only see physical touching as cheating but he will now admit he cheated and if you count all cybersex stuff he says he cheated a lot and he is disgusted by it. His mums affair affected him a lot and he said he would never want his kids to go through what he and sisters went through. He was 15 at the time so was well aware of the heartache that was happening.

Do we really have any chance of getting through this? It's been 15 months now and I am feeling hopeless. My feeling are out of control and although he has now stepped up and behaving like a man I can't get what he has done out of my head.

Hi anywife

What is the EP?

I am not into social media, never had FB etc. I am usually very socialable and enjoy going to see friends rather than chatting through an app. I also believe that social media is killing the normal social life of people and no one seems to know how to communicate face to face properly anymore.

So you see I am not good with abbreviated terms and find it difficult to understand social media terminology although some I can work out!

EP=extraordinary precautions

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

After your marriage has been affair proofed, the next step is to create a romantic, happy marriage. When you do that, the tragedy of the past fades into the past. Without a plan to do this, you will only have a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

I would get the book Survving an Affair and follow the program in it. Start by reading the Basic Concepts.

My h showed me this a year ago but because of all he has done I can't let myself be vulnerable again, no matter how hard I try I just feel so heart broken.

I see mistakes I have made and how I could of dealt with things better in the past but the fact he left me to deal with the hardships we found ourselves in and checked out to have his "fun" makes me feel sick.

I see he is trying so hard to make things right but he has told me so many lies how can I ever be sure? I would like to believe him but something tells me not to and he tells me he can't say anymore about it because he is telling the truth. It's a vicious cycle that's been going on for 8 months now and I am ready to give up.

I asked for a trial separation a few months back but he recited from this site that it is not good for us and he won't give up trying.

I feel I can never trust him again. I have turned into a bitter resentful women who is negative, this is something I have never been and I hate it. I have no control over my emotions at all.

I tried over Easter not to talk about it and try to suppress it, after 3 days I cracked and it got too much to bear. My h said how we had had a nice few days and how calm it had been, I felt this was an insult because he knows how hard it is for me when there are so many triggers.

I suppose I feel to be happy I have got to sacrifice my feelings for the sake of him and kids

We are not asking you to sacrifice. We are asking you to follow a plan to make your marriage a happy place. You can be happy but you need to stop talking about it and focus all your attention on creating a happy marriage. Make a commitment to never bring it up again. When you talk about it, you make it worse on yourself. Don't bring the unhappiness of the past into the present. You MUST begin a program of recovery, though. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Did you read the basic concepts? Did you read the book Survving an Affair?

The most impactful first step you can do is undivided attention. Have you read about that? Policy of Undivided Attention

Use this worksheet: UA worksheet

What are the triggers? You should work to eliminate any that you can.

Am I understanding correctly, to move on I have got to commit to not talking about it? How can I commit to someone if i believe he is still lying?

What do I do with the images and thoughts?

The triggers are everywhere, tv, radio, the way he looks at me sometimes ( pics of himself online), text messages and sometimes when he says I love you. He said and did so much on these sites I struggle some days. Sex is uncomfortable too, I wonder if he is thinking of those online.

I would rather he had had a physical affair instead because I would not have had to endure how publically he made a fool of himself. The site was like Instagram you could google anything and view it without an account.

My h is usually very shy and in real life would never approach a women in this way. The way he portrayed himself to everyone is the total opposite of who he was online, our friends who know can't believe he would do this and said its out of character. They have said he deserves a chance to make this right and should bear in mind what he has gone through, they all said it's very clear he loves me and couldn't have been in the right frame of mind. They don't condone what he has done at all.

I just feel stuck and we are in stalemate over wether he telling the truth. I have forgiven for everything apart from the EA.

Thank you for listening I do appreciate it.

What do you think he is lying about?


You don't talk about them.


You eliminate the triggers that can be eliminated. Moving into another house will make an AMAZING difference. I was astonished at how impactful this was for me and my husband.


Not a good idea to "forgive," but it is a good idea to affair proof your marriage and create a happy, romantic marriage. We can help you do that, but you MUST stop talking about it.

I think he lying about his feelings for that " thing". He keeps saying she didn't mean anything but the evidence says otherwise.

I have forgiven but I will never forget. I do still speak about it but with no anger or emotion so I assumed I've got over that?

As for moving we have only been in this house 2 years and it took everything we had to get mortgage. We were going through the sale when the sexual assault happened and then that's when everything started to get crazy online.

I have stated already that I wished we could move. My home is just a house now it's been violated and I feel it's dirty. He wants to redecorate everywhere to make it look different and my friend came and cleansed the house. My dream home became my nightmare. The money situation won't improve for another 3 years!

You need to drop it. Affairs are very much like being high on alcohol and narcotics. Now that his affair is over and his fog is gone he probably does feel she didn't mean anything.


Ok, but you need to stop speaking about it. Talking about it has prevented you from recovering. And forgiveness is certainly not appropriate in these situations. Read this: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


My suggestion is that you all try to sell it and get out of there. Another option might be renting it out. Getting out of the home you lived in when you found out will make an amazing difference.