I'm in Plan A. Sunday night went well, my W and I spoke until 1:00 am. I told her how I felt, what I wanted to do, about a one-night stand I had that I had hid because of shame, embarrassment and fear. <P>She told me of her fears; fear that she could not love me like she used to, fear that she could not stop loving the OM and her fear that she would have to give up her job if we attempted to reconcile because the OM works there.<P>I told her I was afraid she would not want to reconcile. I told her that I knew I would be okay without her, but that I didn't want to be without her. <P>I avoided all the Love Busters, was understanding, sympathetic and just listened when she spoke. I told her of my personal growth, the changes I was trying to make and what I knew I had to do to be a better husband.<P>Yesterday she had a tough day at work. She asked if I could watch the kids for a bit while she went out to unwind. She told me she'd be back at 12:30. She was late and said she never made it where she was going, that she got lost. I told it that it was okay she was late, that it was no big deal. I told her I was sorry she got lost and didn't get to unwind like she wanted. <P>We went to bed together. Second time in consecutive nights. During the night I probably did something I shouldn't have - we didn't have sex, per se, but I wanted to make her feel better and did something for her. She told me this morning that she was not happy about it, that she felt uncomfortable by what I had done. I was very sad and worried that I screwed up. <P>Being in Plan A, I am having a hard time waiting. I know that she may not make a decision for some time. I wrote her a letter telling her how sorry I was and what I hoped to do to show her I loved her. What I would do to make our marriage better and to be a better husband. <P>I'm just so impatient! I'm trying to wait six months. My therapist is all for this. But, I don't know if I can make it! I was hoping for some "success stories" to bolster my confidence. I am reading "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmers. The worst case scenario he uses to illustrate his points sounds exactly like us (my W and me.)<P>I want to do it, but I don't know if I can hold on that long. I need some encouragement. Please. I sometimes feel that I have a chance, and other times I feel I have no chance. It's such a roller coaster!<P>Thanks everyone. I look forward to reading your responses.<P>Joe

Sure you can hang on. It is a rough ride, but you'll be better off in the long run.Look towards your goal. Keep it in sight. The long term goal is coming through all of this okay. The goal just before that is to have an extremely happy marriage. Meaning you will be happy no matter what.<P>It's difficult at the beginning. Seems like it's impossible to go on another minute, let alone six months! I know, I was there three months ago.<P>Don't push her. Let her know you are there, but keep it mild. Don't constantly remind her you love her and want to fix everything. Tell her & then show her.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Thanks Chris. I enjoyed your page. I have bought "Surviving an Affair" by Drs. Harley and Chalmers, and think I may buy some of the books you have listed.<P>It's very hard to keep my goal in sight, though I try and pray very much every day for help. It helps to hear it so it can be reinforced. I pray often as well, for God to help me with this adversity, to give me the strength, and for help in accepting his will.<P>I am trying very hard not to push. I am just so impatient! It seems that the affair happened so fast - why can't she come back to me just as fast? I will try to tell myself every day the goal and look toward it. I know that the good things are how much I am learning and growing.<P>Thanks so much Chris.<P>JoeJohn

JoeJohn<P>I know it seems like things are going really slowly, but remember "you can't make a rose open by pulling on the petals" that is a quote from "Your Husbands Midlife Crisis" that I really try to remember. Still need to, as my h. is not moving as quickly as I'd like toward apologizing and understanding what he did. We just can't rush it. I try to think of him as a burn patient, I wouldn't run up and hug them, would I? Of course not, I'd try to find other ways to show my love...see if that helps your perspective.<P>Also, avoid telling her over and over that you love her. I found that this put tremendous pressure on my h., since he felt it required a response.<P>LizPearl<P>------------------<P>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited November 09, 1999).]

JoeJohn - I guess I am a Plan A success story. This is the most awful time. Try not to be too pushy or needy. During this time I wanted so much for my H to tell me he loved me, to hold me, to make love etc. It was so hard but I quickly learned to not say "I love you" -- there was no response (ouch!). Sex was out of the question. He said he felt he didn't deserve it. From the description of your conversation with your wife last night it does sound like you are doing all the right things and getting to know each other. I think though you will have to be patient with the sex part for now. <BR>Is your wife still with om? (other than working together) <BR>My H and I are about eight months post disclosure of his affair - and our relationship has never been better in many ways. However, there are still bumps in the road mainly related to my fears he will abandon me again and my anger that the ow still works for him. I consider us a success story and I believe you will be too.<BR> Simone

I am a plan A success story. You are doing it all right. I did my best to make home a nice place to be. I did not nag, whine,or complain to him. I did not allow him to treat me like dirt but I did put up with alot. I let him know I loved him but i didn't push the issue. Begging is a big no, no. We have been back together now for almost 2 mos and things are very good. It took this to wake us both up and relize that we really do love eachother very much.<BR>Don't give up she is just confused and this will take time. One more thing I learned is that the affair has to run it's course. If she breaks it off before she is ready it may just cause more problems.<P>Good Luck<P>Jill

Ok, Joe John. I've been Plan A (even without knowing MB) for the better part of 18 months, just tried B...and well, ick.<P>SURVIVING THE AFFAIR is the tip of the iceberg. Do you have HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS and the rest of the Harley books? (and here's a thought: the library...)<P>Try:<BR>Love Life by Wheat<BR>Women in Midlife Crisis by Conway<BR>After the Affair by Springs<BR>Torn Asunder by Carder<BR>Divorce Busting by Weiner-Davis (also has a great web site, frequented by names you may or not recognize)<BR>How to get your lover back by Harris<BR>Light her Fire by Kriedman<BR>Ten-second kiss "<BR>The Five Love Languages by Chapman<P>I guess I'm saying that reading some of these will get you through those rough patches. It isn't easy. Not at all. Some of these books saved my sanity on some days, so has the forum. But all you really have to get through is today...<P>Get counseling or a good, solid male friend, pastor, prayer partner (any or all MALE)<P>You might need anti-depressants. Do it if needed. <P>You take care, no more screwing around, that won't help anything.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

JoeJohn -- I guess that my W and I could be considered a success story. Others here at MB have called us a success story anyway <P>The others who have responded to you have given good advice. The thing you need to remember is that this is a slow process. Both you and your W have a lot to work through. There will be good days. There will be bad days. But the goal is absolutely worth the effort.<P>God Bless

Well I have a success story and a bit of advice that I learned through all of this. I found out about the affair last Mon. It had only been going on for a month. After a very brief seperation (I just had to run) we decided on Plan A. It was very hard at first. I was showing all of my emotion, and being there for her and not getting much in return. After some research on this site I realized that she was in withdrawl. And like Dr. Harly stated in one of his posts during the withdrawl stages the betrayer is in depression. Depositing love units during this time doesn't do much good. So I just backed off. We talked constantly, I made sure she knew I was there for her, but I didn't push. Last weekend she came to the realization that she did want to be with me and he was just using her for sex. The withdrawl is now over and we are doing better. In fact our relationship now is the best it has ever been, I actually miss her when I'm away from her. I look forward to going home and being with her. Sure we are both still dealing with a lot of pain, but we are doing it together. I know it is hard to stand back, and I know you just want it fixed. I felt exactly the same way, unfortunately it just takes time, and until she realizes what she wants and is over the OP things won't look that much better in your eyes. But remember, chosing you and choosing to work on it is a step in the right direction. It just takes time.

KLS, I'm delighted your relationship & recovery is going well. I don't want to burst your bubble, but withdrawal tends to last 3-6 months, maybe less if there really wasn't any emotional ties. So if it gets rough or isn't the way it is right now, that too is normal. 10 days really isn't enough time for her to have dealt with guilt/remorse. And you will have to deal with grief & anger at some point. DO NOT bury it, but use the Harley principles to get through it.<P>Keep on with Plan A and it sounds as if your recovery will go very well.<BR>

Yes, I do know this. I didn't mean to sound like it was all better and its over. Lord knows that I continue to deal with it everyday and I know she does too, but we are finding new strength, both in ourselves and each other. It will take time to get over this. I think one of the main reasons for her speedy (partial) recovery is that she realized he was just using her for sex and not the emotional support that she thought he was providing. Those feelings will come up again I'm sure, but now we are both better prepared to handle it, together.

Joejohn, I was in plan A. I am a success story. It happened almost 2 years ago, and our marriage is even stronger than before at this moment.<BR>It can work, but it does take some time.<BR>I'm sorry I just came here for a minute, I have to go back to work, but I'll be back later.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.