Well, I wouldn't be satisfied with that explanation, but you are.

So you need to move past the online sex, since you can see why he did it.

"Touching" is sex, by the way.

We don't do the Clinton defence around here.

I do agree with you.

There is only so much I can explain and write but you have to trust me when I say I am sure. I am not naive ir gullible and know 100% I spent months in detective mode and learnt all sorts of ways to read deleted stuff etc.

I am having a hard time over the EA not cyber sex stuff I have already explained this in a previous post.

But wasn't the EA "cyber", or did I miss something? Did they ever meet in person?

I was lumping all the events together. As someone said to you above, your posts are hard to read because you post as if you are texting, without breaks. I could not read through all the details of everything you wrote.

Does he explain the EA as being caused by the assault?

No he says everything he did has various factors.

He was not on dating sites just a picture site where you could comment and follow people. This is where outrageous flirting happened and EA started.

It was th whore who got him to download the private app and although no cybersex happened between them it did with the other people on the private app.

The cybersex happened 1 year after the incident I observed that picture app was a very gradual flirting then innuendos, then came the EA. a total of 18 months. Then the cybersex had been going on for 3 1/2 months when I found it.

He says things just got gradually out of hand and used the whole thing as an escape from all his worries. He felt a failure and was depressed. On the apps he could pretend to be anything.

The real question is Are BOTH of you willing to work the plan? If y'all follow the plan, you will be happy. If you can't follow the plan, expect to be unhappy.

What items on the checklist have been completed?

FYI - this is an action oriented forum. We discourage frequently discussing problems with no according action.

Sorry I am really not good with this stuff.

I wanted advice and people have asked questions and I have answered them.

The advice I need is how to deal with triggers etc and I have been trying to read all day the articles that have recommended by other users.

I apologise if I am coming across in that way but I thought I was answering questions?

How can I delete my account?

I thank everyone who tried to help but I don't think this is for me.

Why not?

Did you listen to this radio clip?

Has it not helped you?

No, you are welcome here. I was letting you know why people keep focusing the actions you should be taking. This forum is far more focused than most.

Dr. Harley has found that focusing on past pain doesn't fix current problems. You must do things differently to feel differently. Feelings follow action.

The concern I have for you with the counseling is that there is an awful lot of psychoanalyzing of your WH's behavior that is really not necessary according to Dr Harley - in fact, that kind of "talk" could come off as a huge love buster to your husband.

Let your H's actions speak for themselves. He had multiple online contacts with women and some kind of incident with a man - it was not an assault. Yes, he was drunk and it's not clear exactly what happened but it was of a sexual nature. There is really no reason to justify/explain any further. That kind of psychoanalyzing is a distraction and waste of time.

The MB approach to this would be:
1) for you to get a poly if you are not satisfied that you have the full truth
2) implement EPs (extraordinary precautions) to prevent this from these types of incidents from happening again.

The transparency and limiting of his online activities have been discussed.

Regarding the sexual incident with the male, you would look at the conditions that made that last incident possible and eliminate them. i.e., your H should not be alone (without you present - you going next door to a neighbor's is not present) drinking with men like that again etc. He should probably not spend any of his leisure or recreational time with other men either. He shouldn't have time for that anyway because you two need to be working on rebuilding your romantic relationship by spending plenty of UA time together.

This is the MB approach. It worries me because the trap I see you falling in will lead to cutting corners with EPs and other MB principles because you think this situation is special somehow. It is really not.

The "why" about why these things happened is as simple as (1) there was opportunity and (2) it felt good to him to get his EN's met outside the marriage.

Your WH could completely resolve his depression and feelings of being a "failure" and he would still be at risk for having online (and other) affairs if the opportunity is there.

The "why" doesn't need to be explored any more than that and I would not focus on this at all. Don't get sucked into that cycle, gem.

I don't understand this kind of communication.

I am taking everything on board and answering questions as briefly as possible, but I am finding this frustrating because it's hard to put 15 months in a nut shell.

I've realised I have not understood the dynamics of this forum as apples123 pointed out.

You cannot delete the account. It is explained in the TOS (terms of service) for this site.

Don't run off. You need to be here.

It's normal to feel frustrated if you aren't getting the responses you are looking for - but the way we support posters is not by patting them on the back if we think they are not heading in the right direction....but rather to try to motivate/push them to follow this program, even if it is uncomfortable or not easy.

Ugh I wish I hadn't said anything.

I do not see depression and assault anything to do with affair. He knew damn well what he was doing. I am not under any illusions. I was trying to get across there was a hell of a lot going on to a question asked.

As soon as I can understand everything that happened I can move on and commit fully and I just needed some advice on a few things that was keeping me stuck.

I feel I have now gone totally off subject and the original reason I was on here.

We have put in all precautions and done the EP but I am not feeling better that's all and I was concerned why.

Are you spending 20-25 hours of fun time alone on dates each week? (20-25 hours is for couples who have fallen out of love, 15 hours for couples in love)

A great MB marriage has main 3 parts EPs, building a romantic relationship and avoiding Lovebusters.

Moving, getting rid of items associated with the affair, and never talking about the affair again will allow the pain to fade. A fun romantic marriage will make the wrk worth while.

You and your H should schedule 20 hours of fun dates spread out over the next week. You should also fill out the Emotional needs and Lovebusters questionnaires.

We have done that questionnaire last week and it was very inciteful.

My h has now started shift work and with my work and children it is going to be very difficult to get this time alone.

The spending time together has been a major issue for a few years and we have already recognised that was a contributing factor to our problems.

EPs regarding internet has been in place since I found everything and there have been months of honest talking about these issues. This is why I am as comfortable as I am ever going to be about it all.

I am going to re read the terms of these agreements and see what else can be done.