Agree.

Why is she so against me confronting OM? Anytime this past month that I mentioned trying to find his phone number or address she flies into a rage like she is scared I am going to hurt him or something.

Also, her biggest thing is saying how OM is such a kind and caring and good person, and I am a bad person for wanting to confront him or getting angry. It's so frustrating that she thinks I am the bad guy. This dude has cheated on his wife once before this time. He is also trying to break apart my family and take my kids' father (me) out of their lives,yet he is a good person. She says people change. Just because he had two affairs doesn't mean anything, but I am always going to be a bad person. I don't understand how an educated 30 year old woman can be so blind to logic.

If we go into recovery and have a perfect reconciliation, is it likely she will ever see logic and have remorse and guilt?

Also, 6 weeks ago when she first told me about the affair, we decided to reconcile and everything went perfect and she did everything right. We had sex a couple times and would shower together. This lasted a few days until we fought and started talking about divorce and seperated off and on. Now we are back to trying (me way more than her) and living together. But why is it now that we are both ashamed to see eachother naked? We spent the past 15 years together but now it just seems weird. Is that normal for us both to feel that way?

How is your exposure going? It is really unproductive to post about her wayward behavior. That is about as productive as posting the antics of a falling down drunk. What is critical right now is that you pay attention to the advice we have given you. We don't care about wayward antics, we care about saving your marriage.


I don't understand why a grown man would argue and debate with a falling down drunk. This is all a waste of time.

I get the feeling that we are taking this more seriously than you. Are you here to blog or are you here to follow a plan? just so you know, this is not a blogging forum. If we take our personal time to help you, it is expected that you will take it seriously. If you don't take it seriously, it isn't fair to ask for help.

I'm sorry. I have been taking the advice given. Yesterday I exposed to everyone. I even spoke again to the people I had already exposed to.
I called her job and made sure it was true that OM's wife had already exposed to them. I assured them it was true and OM's wife isn't just crazy. I also spoke to her parents and sisters, Facebook friends, martial arts class members and our neighbors. I told the daycare to be aware in case her or OM tries to do something crazy with the kids. I spoke to some supervisors at OM's new job. OM blocked me from Facebook since D-day, but I got with his wife and we were able to tell his friends and his mom who he now lives with.

I also got OM's number and asked him where I could meet him to talk. He wouldn't tell me. He said I didn't need to meet with him. He said he will no longer contact her. I told him that I will be monitoring all communication to make sure he doesn't.

She was angry all day yesterday and last night and was asking why I did that since she already stopped contact with OM. I simply told her it was because we can never reconcile as long as her and OM see a chance of a relationship. She said she hated me and some other mean things. She said if I mention OM again, she is going straight to him to have sex.

By bedtime she was calmed down a lot. She does seem to be sad like the withdrawal is starting now, but she also seems defeated like she sees no other option but to stay with me and try to make it work. She definitely doesn't seem like she is with me because she loves me.
What do I do now? If the affair is really ended and she is in withdrawal, am I supposed to be telling her I love her and trying to meet emotional needs, even though she ignores it? Or am I supposed to wait until withdrawal eases up?

You told him that you would be monitoring your wife?

How is that going to help you, exactly? What do you think they will do about their communications now?

Now you keep doing what you are doing and start following the rest of the plan to change how she feels about you. She doesn't love you, and this plan will change that.


Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Do you have the Marriage Builders app, and are you listening to Dr. Harley's show daily?

Yeah, I wouldn't have told him that - I would tell him to stay away from my wife or there will be terrible, terrible consequences, and I would make it abundantly clear that I love my wife and that I want to stay married to her and that he must get out of the picture or else.

And I'd be sure to tell his mother and his boss and his preacher and his wife and his other girlfriends what a slimeball he is.

I was afraid to threaten him too much since he is a police officer now. I did insinuate there would be consequences though. I was hoping he would try to be agressive or something, but he just said ok and that he understands. My wife already told him I could see all of their communications when she told him not to speak to her anymore. I just made sure he knew not to talk to her even if she tries to contact him.

I am going to order the books when I get off work today. I keep forgetting about the radio show but I will look into that now.

I am worried that if I am too affectionate while she is in withdrawal and ignoring my affection or not returning it, that I will appear needy or scared or insincere. Is this not the case, or is there certain things I shouldn't do?

That was not wise to talk about the monitoring. The other posters are trying to tell you it will just drive their communications deeper underground.
It happened to me. My WW found out I installed a spyware on her phone and she got her Enabler friend to buy her a Secret Second Phone. I was doing a great Plan A but she was not responding truly to R. Turned out she was continuing to communicate with OM and at the same time plotting to file for Divorce. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't responding until a did I spent a lot of time searching our house and found the evidence.
Definitely also get a VAR and strategically deploy it.

I'm still confused about plan A. I just re-read the article. If plan A is to get the WS to stop contact with the OP, what do I do once that happens. Obviously this is only day one and they could already be talking again for all I know, but do I just keep reminding my WW everyday to not talk to OM, or do I just keep meeting her needs while she appears to be in withdrawal?

Would you care to answer my post?

I may be safe on what I told OM about monitoring their communication. I just told him that she is letting me see everytime he contacts her and that I can see texts and calls on the phone account. WW already knows everything shows up in the phone account and I'm sure she told him, that's why they had recently only been communicating through Facebook messenger.
So they can still talk on facebook messenger without me seeing. She told me her password the other day, but I don't know how to log in to look without her getting an email saying someone logged in from another device.

Surely you can see my point - you are not safe at all.

All you've done is alerted him to the fact that he needs to communicate with her in a way that you do not know about. You've alerted her to that, too, which is why she is using FB messenger.

You need to become smarter about this, and not give away the fact that you are snooping.

You are nowhere near being in Recovery yet, and your wife has not agreed to end the affair and live a transparent life with you. Therefore you need to treat any passwords she gives you as useless, and find a proper way to spy on her communications. And here a tip: if you tell someone that you are spying on them, you are a rotten spy. Don't give up the day job, if that's what you understand by "spying".

I understand what you are saying about the spying and that I made a mistake by mentioning it to OM. But I'm missing something else here. Does plan A continue until WW agrees to live transparently and start recovery?

Usually Plan A for men continues for 6 months

And what happens right now if I spy and I find out they are still talking?. Do I confront WW about it or is it just so I will know she is still lying to me?

You continue to confront her - without giving up your sources - and raising hell with the OM. Is the OM back with his wife? What is his marriage status?

Once again, this will be your life forever if you don't move away. Are you ok with an on again, off again affair for years? She is very addicted to this man and will remain in a state of perpetual withdrawal until she is far away from the OM. The fog will never end. NEVER.

I think you believe you can skip this step, but it won't work.