Seven years ago I was discovered in an emotional affair by my husband. He blew up the affair in his own forceful way, and thankfully offered me the opportunity to earn back his trust. The affair ended the day he took action, driving my AP into running for cover, back to his then-unsuspecting wife. AP died within a few months of these events.
My BH and I worked hard to rebuild what I had damaged. I answered all his questions, and provided details he hadn�t thought to ask about. We looked for every chance to spend time together, carefully explored what was important to the other, and strived to supply those needs. It seemed we were destined to become a success story. I make no claim of credit for the progress we made. My husband drove the process. How he developed the faith to start us on the path, I may never fully understand.
All of this crashed down a few weeks ago. The BW had decided to move from our area. In doing so, she explored long-ignored storage boxes in their attic, and discovered boxes of copies of emails that my AP had stored away � emails that he and I had shared in the �fantasy� that we had nurtured for years. In a final act of retaliation she sent the copies to my husband.
There was nothing in the hundreds of pages that was materially different than what I had admitted to seven years ago. It was the sudden presentation, and the volume of the evidence that crushed my husband�s will to go on with me.
He told me he had died a little bit the first time he read the one love-note he had discovered, leading to the long-ago confrontation, and reading the piles of emails, all obviously dated, was just too much to recover from now. He said he hadn�t the strength to bury the new hurt brought by the new evidence. Similar to a picture being worth a thousand words, the �pictures� of printed words made more �real� my betrayal than all the words I had used in my admissions.
My husband moved out of our house last week. He won�t answer my calls or texts.
I don�t exactly know what I think can be done in my case. �Cleaning up my side of the street� was done years ago. I guess I just needed to tell someone, and urge any FWS reading to treasure every moment of recovered union they are granted by their FBS.

When did the OMW find out about the affair? Did she send the emails because she just found out about the affair?

Also, have you been snooping? This discovery sounds awfully convenient.

She knew of the affair years ago, because my BH told her. I don't know that she believed him at the time as to the extent or duration of her husband's betrayal of their marriage. My husband did not have the documentation (because I no longer had it) that OM disastrously (to us) preserved. I don't know what discussions took place between OM and her after BH's disclosure.

Gotcha. First off, I would stop blaming the OMW. She and your H are the victims here. There would have been no emails to send if there had been no affair. This is a direct consequence of your affair.

That being said, all you can do is hope your husband can recover from this trigger. Did the emails indicate you were lying about anything?

It sounds like you followed the Marriage Builders plan. Did your BH post on these boards at all? If so what was his posting name?

P.s. It is tragic that the emails were not shared with your husband 7 years ago. He could have made an informed decision at that point. It truly is too bad he was triggered in this way,

I am not blaming the OMW. I'm sorry if I came off that way; I tried very hard not to. I accept full responsibility for the injury to my BH - then and now. That's why trying everything to help him get over this new assault is so much my task right now. Coming here was my best option, I thought.

1. Snoop.
2. Consider drafting a letter to him reiterating an offer of a romantic marriage. Post draft here.
3. Let your H contact you.
4. Consider writing the radio show.
5. Were you getting at least 15 hours of UA and no night spent apart?

Regardless of whether you had given your BH all the information about all of what was written in each of the love letters (which honestly I find hard to believe but anyway...), an affair is so incredibly painful for a BS...that any triggers are extremely dangerous to ANY recovery.

That's why moving is so helpful and often recommend, etc.

Your poor BH.

Agreed.

I really do think there was something in these emails that was different than how he had perceived the affair from your description.

Does that include saying things to him such as what you have written here, like that you told him all of these details, you have done everything that he asked, etc etc?

If so, please don't do that.

He's going to need time and patience.

Hindsight being 20/20....this might have been valuable, assuming she didn't somehow (friends, work contacts) discover our new address, and mail the package anyway.

But with OM gone, "exposure" performed, and our marriage flourishing it seemed unnecessary to move away from our children and grandchildren, my job, and his businesses.

As for any suggestion that BH is conducting something that would be discovered by snooping...anyone who knows him would know the impossibility of same. In almost forty years of marriage he has never swayed from his devotion to it, even as I drifted away before my affair.

Indirectly, that's why I came here...so I could focus on thoughts and efforts without contacting him directly. I can imagine that my presence would act as a trigger that he doesn't need.

You all are the "veterans" whose thoughts and ideas I needed to access to have any hope.

If I were you, I would write him a love letter telling him how deeply sorry you are and how much you want your marriage to work. He needs to hear that you love him. I am sure he read those letters and came to the conclusion you never loved him.

I did write a letter such as you advised, and included within it some photos of family and friends that might remind him of the marriage we had rebuilt after 2009.

I know I shouldn't tell him anything, but I hope he can make the connection to the life we had before the package arrived.

Read this and listen to the clips in here.
What is Just Compensation?

Each of the clip URLs failed.

Where is your husband living now? Is he living alone? or is he living with a friend or family member?

He is staying alone in a studio apartment in a building he owns.