Short version of VERY long story
I cheated on my than fianc� of 3 weeks gf of 11 years. The cheating that had been happening was with a long time friend and arguably at the time her best friend since us and them were so close and all new each other for many years. Her and the ow went to school together and the ow husband and I went to school together. We went out together quite often. During the first few years of our relationship I kissed the ow once on drunken night. Never discussed it again or thought about it. Fast forward to 2011 the ow pursued me into a friendly texting fiasco that was wrong but I didn't stop. This progressed into us meeting and kissing 6 times on my way from work stopping for only 1-3 minutes. There was a moment early on in the texting that I said this is f******* wrong and the ow woman replied that if you hurt me I will ruin you. I broke off talk with her by saying I was afraid to get caught. We didn't speak for the entire winter tan texting started in the following summer. My first thought was (a very weak response by me) she is going to ruin me if I don't respond. So I did . Than my gf got pregnant with our 3rd child and the next text I get from the ow is you mother f****** so she was irate. I didn't care I love my gf and the ow meant nothing to me. Ow and I did not talk for over year now. Than 2014 happened and I was sick of it I wanted to get married to my beautiful gf. In November of 2014 I told ow I couldn't text anymore. I was secretly buying a engagement ring for my gf (how effed up does that sound :() on May 1st 2015 I took her away to a resort on a island knowing where I was gonna propose on the bottom of a long stAircase looking back up at resort. Of course we said yes. Than memorial weekend happened and I was ruined. We went out drinking the ow was with as we were a close couple friends and somehow I got black out drunk and was making out with her at 4am when I got caught. The next day I did not remember anything so I carried on the day playing with the kids as my fianc� rested. That night found out something happened when she left and told me what had happened the night before.

Aftermath
It is now 11 months later and we still live together but work opposite shifts and she goes out drinking till bar close at least once a week since it's happened. We have not gone out in public on our area since October 2015. We have done a hotel twice far away from the public eye. I confessed everything after it happened. I apologized constantly to the point she told me to stop. I signed a relationship agreement that if I ever cheated again she gets 50% of my salary gets to stay beneficiary on life insurance policy gets to have full custodial control of our children who I love very dearly. I have been doing exactly as she says since. I am open and she checks my phone when ever she wants. I will add more in the coming week. For now that is a start on our situation.

Are you getting married?

After it happened we are no longer engaged and our future is still in the up in the air. We Barely get any ua. Last time was February 13 we were alone out of the house with out kids. Before that was December and before that was October and August. She goes without me and kids at least once a week to the bars. I try so hard to apologize and get those ua times because when we do get then the following days are all about us and doing that more. Than her friend comes along and she sees her and her attitude instantly changes. I am starting to find and see little hope.

Why have you dated for so many years, having 3 children together, without getting married?

Dr Harley calls that a renters relationship, he has written a book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" regarding these type of relationships and I would suggest your read it.

It sounds like your girlfriend continues a relationship with you, despite your long term lack of commitment and fidelity. So if she has continued to stay with you, what is your question here?

I have been browsing marriage builders for some time and looking to find hope in real life examples. I finally can not find any similar situations as ours so I posted. I did not get to cover everything as it just seems like so much to our story, I am willing to answer anyone's question pertaining to our situation. Still living together but she does not know if she wants to go forward or not. She did break down a couple months ago and told me had she not have told all her friends right away and wasn't being told to leave constantly that we would probably be in a different rebuilding phase. After the infedelity came out she mentioned that if she cheated on me that we go forward. Well needless to say at that time I said fine I just want us to be us again. She told me once when we were alone that she had cheated on me with a guy and that she lets her female friends touch her. She has now recanted this and is now pushing to do the whole she has to cheat and be with another guy. So my dumba** said ok well if you want to discuss this than how does that change us going forward. She said we will go forward together. So I had asked so than we get to go out and do stuff get our ua time? and you will start telling your friends about our current good times and not just about them wanting you to leave? And also give us more ua time than your friends ? She immediately shot that down and said I am not giving up that. I will still be gone once a week. I had asked her so what would the point of me agreeing to be ok with you cheating than to see it as a eye for an eye if nothing changes ?please any direction advise would be great I love this woman so much and am so sorry for what I did.

Going back to the beginning when we started dating she insisted that I didn't buy her a ring as she would say no. (Found out the reason was she cheated on me with my roommate, another mutual friend, and had another bf she lived with all of which I forgave her for instantly and is not why I'm here but I believe this to be the reason she didn't want to get married) She is not going to do it because other people think we should. After the kids were born she had given me the specs on a ring must be over 1 carat not 1 flaw and be completely clear. It is quite a pricey ring that was very hard to afford.

You both sound like you have a problem with alcohol.

I'm way more concerned about your three small children and your drinking than about your relationship at this point.

I have had 1 drink since last August. I felt I was doing really well at changing myself. It feels the end is nearing between us. I am at a loss lately at what I can do. I have been sympathetic, I feel so horrible about I did it is driving me mad. I have cried everyday except about 10 days when we vacationed to Florida since last May. she gets so mad at me when I cry but I can not help it. I ruined our relationship our family everything around me and I feel like absolute crap. i don't know if she will ever decide on moving forward and making a better future. I do truly believe ua is important. The only thing I haven't done is not listen to her. Just now we had plans to go to a resort for the weekend and now she suddenly changed plans to go to a party without me. I do not know how to react to this. I did it like she said we made plans I asked her friends if there were any plans and they said no. She was excited. Suddenly her friend has a party to go to and our resort is put on hold until May sometime. Which also means we will not be alone together until than . What do I do

You should read Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, then decide which you want to be.

I will also point out. She is not married to you. She doesn't have to coordinate plans with you. Thats why being a long-term renter is so risky.

What does marriage mean to you? Why get married?

I ask because your present situation is pretty much an inevitable outcome of what you have been doing. The dynamics of a relationship are established fairly early on. Either you develop an integrated lifestyle that is based on a committed marriage, or you end up in a renter lifestyle that proves unsustainable. At the point you are now, the horse has long ago left the barn. Simply marrying your girlfriend would be far too little too late. You need to completely reorient both of your perspectives.

It is as if you have driven a long way down a dead end street. How can you back all the way out and get headed down the right way? It will not be easy, and if you try to take a quick shortcut, you will just get stuck.

Here Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I have always wanted to marry her. She has always been apprehensive about it. Yeah it definantly seems like a very long dead end road. Not really sure what I can do to change that.

You could start by making the only "relationship agreement" that you will sign up to be a real marriage. Anything less is unsustainable. Your girlfriend has no business demanding exclusivity from you if she will not marry you, and you should not agree to a pseudo-marriage contract without the full legal protections of a real marriage. Your problem is grounded in the fact that you are willing to settle for less, so less is what you get.

I would suggest you start by not living together, and that you also stop having children together.

Ask her to marry you, and if she says no, then move on and co parent your kids.

You have created such a crazy lifestyle for them to be witnesses to at this point, living together for years with no real commitment, both of you cheating on each other, negative friends influences that you cheat with and party with...and it looks to me like at least she has no intention of changing any of this for the time being.

If you really want to change the situation, and she will not do it, then YOU need to change it by moving on and role modeling better relationship behavior for your kids.

Marriage Builders is a program to build great marriages, but it is not a 'marriage at all cost' program. You are not even married, so this would definitely apply to you too.

Your kids are destined to grow up and have the same renter/freeloader relationships where they play house without commitment because that is their only exposure. You can change that.

I would say you are playing married by living together,raising kids and without the commitment of marriage.My advice is to stop apologizing for cheating and to not continue asking her about what she did or did not do. If you don't forgive and let go,it will find its way into every fight.Tell her you would like to get married in (Month) and would like to start planning the wedding,or just not get married at all. If she takes the second option. I would suggest moving on while still remaining a co-parent.

Do you attend church? Often a pastor will suggest premarital counseling before marriage,It helped us a ton.

I am curious about typically how long after a person cheats does the relationship start rebuilding and you attack the issues together? For instance i ask myself alot if we will ever be back to normal again. Will she start to come to me again with problems so we can work them out together or does the constant going out on weekends not end? It will be a year at the end of the month for us. On the d day anniversy she said she diesnt want to see me or do anything with me she wants to make new menories!! Is this normal at 1 year?

None of this is healthy. Normal is irrelevant right now.

Marriage is a vow and legal agreement to extraordinary care. You are not yet bound legal partners.

I think that you should email this question to Dr. Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. He might be able to answer this on the radio show. Include your phone #just on case.

You are not 'rebuilding' anything here. You are continuing down the same path you have been on for years. I am not sure why you are expecting a different outcome.

I dont know why either. I still feel there is a strong hold and it just needs time. But than i think im just wasting my time. Idk

I dont question what she did i know what she did. I know what i did and have been open about it. She tells me people cant get over it and i try to tell her look what i forgave it can work if you let it. At the same time she says i just need to know that i know how much i hurt her for me to feel pain. Ive been on both sides and i tell you catching someone was far less painful for me than being tortured all year by the one you love.