Little history...I will try to make it short and sweet. I will answer any further details as needed.

I am 40...my wife 36.
Met her 16 years ago on the internet.
Married 15 years.
2 kids. 9yo girl...12yo boy.

Like all marriages, it has had its up and downs I suppose. But in my opinion is has been 90% GOOD. I truly love my wife and will do absolutely anything to stay married to her. I truly thought she was my soul mate and my destiny. I still WANT to believe all that good stuff anyways. I REALLY love her.

2 years ago in February of 2014 I had a blood clot in my leg that turned into multiple blood clots and 9 surgeries and 14 stents from my heart to my chest. Found out I had vein and artery issues since a very premature birth, and they finally decided to say hello at 37.

The 2 years after that have been very dark and depressing for me. I lost my job...lost my way in life...and became mentally abusive. Not physically...just mentally. I called her every name in the book. I told her she wasted 16 years of my life and told her to leave me 100 times because I was worthless and full of blood clots etc etc blah blah. I was the worst person in the world to my best friend and a person I truly love. I AM SO ASHAMED OF WHO I BECAME.

She would literally fall to her knees and tell me to stop saying it because she knew I did not mean those words. Of course I did not mean it. I was having some ptsd crap or whatever. I was literally stuck in depression and self hate for 2 years.

She had enough and filed for a divorce after a huge fight. I walked out halfway through the meeting since I couldn't handle it. That room was terrible. Woke me up instantly to who I had become. I have worked out 12 days in a row....lost 15 pounds....gaining muscle. Mentally trying to be a better man for myself and kids.

In the following week of the divorce request she confessed to having an affair.

Guess they have been texting each other about 6 weeks. She confessed and showed me a few texts and admitted she deletes them daily so I won't see. Told me they had met and kissed, told me they had said they loved each other. 6 weeks and in love....yeah buddy.

This by far was the worst pain I have ever felt. Chest crushing hurt. I have never felt betrayed like this. Oh wait....my ex wife cheated too...and left me. But I love my current wife 100x more than I did my first. Feels that way anyways.

So in the following week I have told just about my whole family and friends about it. All of her family and friends know too. Told them all the terrible stuff I said and how I checked out mentally. Told them she cheated on me in return.

Here is the confusing part.....

She said she wants to come back to me and work it out. She texted the guy and apparently he took some pills and drank himself into a hospital. She got mad and told him farewell after he recovered. He was upset but said bye as well.

She was very "into it" when she texted him. She even ripped up the divorce papers she filed and wasted 230 dollars on. She was telling me everything I wanted to hear.

Now suddenly 3 days later she is as distant as she can be. A stranger basically. She still talks to me civilly and all but only if I speak first. But she refuses to hold my hand and touch me. She will NOT make any attempt to make contact.

She straight up told me she is not feeling it yet and will need some time to build the love back. That I hurt her so bad she needs time to repair and trust me again as well.

I do not think she has gone back to the other guy as she was truly mad he tried to off himself. She hates drama like that. She also realizes I would never do that. The other guy has kids too...so she was mad at him for that as well. But who really knows....the trust is gone obviously. So maybe they are still talking. Her phone has been very silent lately however. And she no longer hides it like she used too.

So where to from here. I try to be VERY kind to her. Tell her she is beautiful and a great provider etc etc. Trying to make love deposits. None in return though. Brick wall.

Obviously I am looking for a job ASAP since I have finally been working out and feeling better. Feeling I can be a man again to my kids and myself. Also just in case she tries to file again and I need to show I am capable.

I was truly lost.....still am.

Any help would be rad....I want my wife back at all costs.

She probably has buyers remorse and doesn't believe your marriage will really change. Are you following the MB plan? If so, what step are you on? What books do you have?

I have not read any of the books yet. I am afraid if she sees me reading them she will be driven further away. What book should I start with...I will order it ASAP.

I should be keeping MB a secret for now yes?

I guess I am going to start at step one. I read and read for hours but in my current mental state (crushing sadness) I find retention to be an issue.

To be honest I feel that I just blew it a few minutes ago. I pressed her pretty hard to let me know how she is feeling or what she is thinking. But she has some walls up that I just cannot penetrate. I pressed her harder to just "give me something" and she screamed at me that she does not know what she is feeling and to back up and give her time.

How can I make love deposits if she won't talk to me or even touch me?

I truly feel she has lost her love for me..and it is killing me inside. Almost feel it is too late to even try. I can barely say anything to her without crying. I just want her to hug me and hold me again. How do I stop the emotions from overtaking me?

Great, that is where you should start. I would buy 2 copies of Surviving an Affair and 1 copy of the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. You should be reading the program together and going through the lessons. they sell the books cheap here or you can get at least one free if you email the radio show with a question.

Another great resource is the MB radio show. You can download the app free on your smart phone and listen every day.


Oh no. I would bring her the program and tell her it is a plan that will create romantic love in your marriage.


This is an action program, not a reading program. You would do lessons. You can also listen to the radio show every day.


Big mistake!


you can slowly but surely, WITHOUT DEMANDS, start meeting her needs. Everytime you make selfish demands and lovebust her, you push her away more.


WE KNOW. But that is what this program will change for you. We can show you how to bring back the love in your marriage.

Who have you exposed to on OM's side and besides your family have you told WW's parents?

How about your children? Have you told them?

I have told my children. Her parents and brother...and just about all of our mutual friends.

The other guy...his kids and wife know. They were already separated and getting a divorce on that end.

Got a bit more complicated this morning. She came and sat down on the bed and told me she did indeed have sex with him. In a truck at the park. She says that is eating her up inside and why she has been so distant.

I kind of figured as much...but it did hurt finding out.

I told her I have forgiveness and we can work this out. But her walls are still there and she is VERY ANGRY as to why I would forgive her. She is in a pretty guilty spot it would appear.

Going to do alot of reading today to see what "actions" I need to be doing. I just say...I just want to fall on my feet and beg. But I realize that will do nothing to improve things.

I just want my wife back...cheater or not. I truly feel we can recover and forgive. But how if she refuses to even let her walls down and participate in recovery?

What EXACTLY did you tell the OM's wife? When someone tells me "she knows" I am concerned. What did the OM's wife tell you with HER LIPS?


You need to do 2 things: 1) make sure the affair is dead. Call the OM's wife and make SURE she knows about the affair 2) sell your wife on this program. this program will really work. the GOAL is create a passionate, romantic marriage. She doesn't believe that is possible now

Did you order those books?

Have you presented her with the checklist rom Surviving an Affair?
Also have you read all of the coping with infidelity articles? You cn read that in about 30 minutes.

The hell with it...I bought a bunch of books.

His Needs Her Needs...Love Busters...Surviving an Affair...and the Workbook.

I am dead serious about keeping her in my life at all costs. If this does not work...perhaps the tools will be in place for the next go around in life.

As far as the other guys wife...she would not talk to me or even care. They are already in a divorce on that side. He is living in the garage for quite a while now. I have no way of getting her phone number that I know of.

My wife has deleted her Facebook account in shame. She is in the middle of what appears to be a mental breakdown. Shaking and tons of crying...still very distant. Says she ruined everything and how could I ever trust her and forgive her again. She also feels I will revert back into the monster I FULLY admit to being. Cannot blame her. Why should she believe me. Or me her? Is our trust gone forever?

Here is a fun fact. My ex-wife who cheated and left me 16 years ago contacted my current wife and told her what a mistake she was making. To give me another chance and to stop cheating and acting a fool etc etc. I have not talked to my ex-wife for 16 years and suddenly she is my current wifes life coach? WTF!!!!

Not only that...she seems to want to get some help now after talking to my ex-wife. WOW.

What should I think about this? Apparently a friend I confided in told my ex-wife what was going on....and she in turn contacts my wife to help out. Shudder...

Will your wife come here? What is very important right now is that you sell your wife on this program. She has no hope right now. Since there is no plan, she believes she is facing a future of hell. And I can't blame her. I would START with the book lovebusters and read that together. YOU read a chapter and then have her read it after you.

Ask your wife to fill this out and give to you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/MaritalProblemAnalysis.pdf

Then both of you can fill these out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html

Ask her to read through these links: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

HOW do you know any of this if you have not spoken to her?

And how close does the OM live?

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Don't take what I am saying to you negatively. This is all constructive criticisms....

Tones like this, when either one of you are upset, will get you no where.
EXACTLY! Keep this attitude at all times. Any time you get upset, remind yourself of this.
STOP THINKING LIKE THIS! You are setting yourself up for failure before you even begin! You have one marriage, one relationship, one wife! Your future goals are all about her. The end.

Be there for her at all times. Comfort her like she has for so long during your recovery. This is her recovery. You may not notice any love deposits right away. Every kind gesture is adding to that bank. Start taking her out. Spend every moment you can with her. Like MelodyLane told me, Ask her EVERY DAY to do something alone with you. No kids! You will be turned down more often than not. Don't stop! Be her rock! Be her friend.
Angels come in all forms! As long as it's not a man! DO NOT START TALKING TO YOUR EX!!!!!!!

So she changed her phone number as well. A sign to prove to both us she wants to work it out. Been a great week..connecting and staring into each others eyes...great sex...great time alone together. Reading the books etc etc.

Just this morning I now know why the phone is silent. I uncovered some new emails on a new account she created. They were actually going to meet at the park today on lunch. Probably are there right now for all I know. I called her on it right there in the bathroom - she starting crying saying she was only going to meet him to break it off. LMAO....yeah.

I was not even sad. Kinda just numb lately to it all. He can have her. Why the hell should I fight for her if she does not love me and wants to have sex in a truck at a park with her new lover? Screw that nonsense.

Time to just take care of myself and the kids. They realize who she is now anyways and want to move if I do. They are both pretty pissed.

You guys are doing a great thing here. You should all be proud of yourselves for the help you offer that usually succeeds. I really wish she would have given MB a fair shake and a chance. She is not even trying.

Take care guys. You are all awesome. I really appreciate you guys. Love to all.

If you don't want to go through any more of this, that's perfectly fair enough.

What's your next move?