She is perfectly free to get a divorce. She is not free to kick you out of your home. If she is truly being "held hostage" she should call the sheriff.


Stop being afraid and tell her the truth, if she doesn't end her affair this will lead to divorce. Just say it. Otherwise, she will continue to use it as leverage. So if she responds that she wants to be divorced, ask her what her plan is.


So let her know that you are watching her [you don't have to tell her how] and you know she is still in touch. The point of intel is stop the affair, NOT for voyeuristic purposes.

Is there a reason why she doesn't want you to contact the OM's wife? She seems pretty concerned about that for some reason.

Ok prisca. That sounds exactly like what I have been saying. I have slipped up up few times and argued a little bit, but not much and I haven't been mean or raised my voice.

Oh well. She got home from work and was being friendly. Then she asked what are we doing? I repeated all the same stuff about stopping the affair and quit lying. She told me she talked to OM today. She was still lying about talking to him yesterday though. Finally she said she doesn't want to fix things and that she is going to meet up with OM right now and have sex and will send me a video and she is getting divorced Monday. She said she is happy when she talks to him and not with me. So I showed her the proof I had. She laughed, said "i knew you were sneaky" and left. She left the kids with me.
I guess that is probably it for good this time. Should I move out and go no contact, or wait it out or just give up or what?

Update:
She left and kept calling me from her mom's house to ask a bunch of questions about me catching her lying. I just kept telling her it was painful for me and I didn't want to talk about it. After about 45 minutes she came home and was trying to talk. I kept telling her it was painful and I didn't want to talk about it. She asked what did I want to do? I said all I wanted was for a real chance with her not talking to OM for at least a few weeks to see if we could rebuild. She tried to talk some more but I said it was too painful and I didn't want to talk about it. Finally, she said "I guess I'm going to go stay at mom's and I'll be back in the morning. Maybe it will be better tomorrow but I doubt it."

You REALLY need to stop thinking of her as some rational logical person who has things all planned out. She is NONE of the above. She is the equivalent of a drug addict who will do or say anything to try and get you in line so she can get her fix and carry on her affair without disruption.

If she really wanted a divorce, she would have filed already. Until she does, if you want to fight for your marriage you need to just plug your ears to all her silly fogbabble.

Stay the course.

She is working very hard to get you to fight with her. The reason is because it is much easier for her to run to OM if you are being a terrible person. If you are being calm, cool and collected, and simply telling her you want to create a great marriage, it is much harder for her to reconcile her actions in her own head.

Don't take the bait.

I believe you are right.

Suppose WW decides to follow the plan for recovery and gives me passwords for everything, am I supposed to give her access to all my stuff too? Seems like she could trick me and pretend to be in recovery just to sabotage me, or if I dont, she can say she won't build my trust if I don't build hers.

No, you wouldn't give her access to any spy resources and certainly not access to your account with MB.

You don't give her ability to sabotage you.

Also, what if she goes Monday and files for divorce and I am forced to leave? Do I go plan B then or does that mean it's game over?

Why would you be forced to leave your home? You should not leave unless you are presented with a court order by an armed sheriff.

You might want to pick up a little pocket voice activated recorder at Walmart before you speak to her again. I would start recording your conversations in case she makes false allegations of "abuse." If she is that hell bent on getting you out [so she can carry on her affair] she may do that to get you removed by the police.

Here Men, Don't Leave your Home

Yeah. I told her I am not leaving unless the police make me leave. Unfortunately, due to the laws in our state and how the mortgage is set up, the lawyer said it would be better for me to leave if we end up getting divorced. But Today she has been back to acting un-hostile. We bought some new couches and it was almost like a pre-affair day. Maybe OM is with his kids today or something.
She has $2000 in our joint account that she is saving in case she decides to pay the lawyer (my mom is holding my money in case of a need to pay the lawyer). Should I withdraw that money and hold on to it, just to make a future divorce harder for her? Or is that bad?

Melody, suppose she does end up paying the lawyer Monday and filing for divorce. At what point could I be forced to leave by police? Would it be immediately or would it take a while?

But, you are not divorced, so I am confused why you said this. Are you divorced?


Honestly I don't understand why you post things like this. What does her mood have to do with the situation? The Titanic is sinking and you are posting about the weather. Please keep your focus on the AFFAIR and saving your marriage. Can you do this?



I would take half the money and stop your paychecks from going into this account so she doesn't wipe you out.

Ask your lawyer. However, I am not aware of any spouse who was able to kick a spouse out of his own home in the absence of extreme abuse. Typically, it takes the COMPLETION of the divorce, which can take months or years. And even then, she may end up being the one who has to leave.

I guess me and WW are both just ignorant on divorce. We both assume that as soon as one of us files, police come and force the other to leave. So everytime she gets mad she says she is going to file and that I need to have my stuff out of the house by the time she gets home. I have been assuming this is true. T

The house is in her name, but we closed on the house after our marriage. In our state, that makes it half mine but after a divorce I woukd have to refinance it to keep it. I don't have credit or income enough to keep it. Neither does she, unless her mom moves in with her as per her plan. There is more in my 401k then there is equity in the house. The lawyer said she is entitled to half of my 401k. But her lawyer said they will just keep the house and forfeit the portion of my 401k. All of this was was a month ago when we were both wanting to divorce. This was before I found this website. Neither of us have talked to lawyers since.

As of now, we are not getting divorced. But she is still thinking in her mind that we can stay married and her and OM will just be friends and as long as they don't have sex, everything will be ok.

I don't know why I focus on her mood so much. I guess I am hoping someone will recognize some of her behavior and say it's a sign that she is moving in the right direction.

You know that is ridiculous, right?


As long as she is in touch wtih the OM, she is not moving in the right direction. This is why you have to continually demand she end her affair.