I separated from my (ex) WH six years ago, divorced him two years ago and broke Plan B only last week.

He is dying from cancer and was in the ICU of a local hospital.

I went with our oldest child and visited him for half an hour.

It was neutral ground and thanks to Plan B.....I have some love left for him in my Love Bank.

I liken Plan B to a "pause" button. You press the button and it suspends all love bank withdrawals.

I won't go into details about the visit but it made me very happy for the pause button.

Glad you had a pause button.

Thanks for sharing. Wow six years. Do you think it hurt or helped your personal recovery?

Helped.

It allowed me to avoid toxic situations and to be a better parent to our children.

Having an amazing IM and support system made it possible.

I think Brain might have meant - did breaking Plan B help or hurt?

Did seeing him before he died help, or hurt your personal recovery?

Seeing him helped.

I saw him for me. And, after years of healing, I know that my feelings count.

I am happy that this was good for you, Reading. I hope you're doing okay.

I do worry about the impact that this post might have on those in Plan B. We can see that another poster has come to the site wondering what to do about an ex husband who is in hospital, and I think that you might be giving the impression that visiting exes under such circumstances is an acceptable breach of Plan B.

I think that you and other posters are free to do whatever you like about an ex who is dying, or critically injured, but I don't think that the idea of a "pause' for Plan B should ever be allowed to take hold on this forum.

You haven't really explained how seeing your ex, and discovering that you still had love for him, helped your personal recovery, especially since you are fully divorced from him and he has not begged you to take him back. Your feelings of love for him have been revived; is that a good thing? Did he express feelings of love for you, and is there any prospect of your being reunited for the short time he has left? If not, do you intend to go back to Plan B after this "pause"?

Is he still in his affair?

If he is, then how does seeing him and feeling love for him help you, when he has little time left and shows no sign of putting right the wrong he did to you?

I really would not want other posters to think that a "pause" in Plan B will help their recovery. As a rule, it will not.

Where's the "Like" button for this?

YKW?

Feel free to criticize sharing my experience.

I am okay with that and understand that some people will never, ever, ever break Plan B.

I didn't break it for six years. I get it.

Those that are against the OP breaking NC fail to see that it is better to say their good byes to a terminal ill patient BEFORE they are dead.

The tend to hear and respond to conversation better before that time.

The OP's reason to see him are valid at this time.

So sez someone who has never been in Plan B himself. WE say "goodbye" to our x-spouses when we go dark. I don't fault reading for doing this, but my experience with breaking Plan B was very different. I saw my XH in 2010 and it didn't make me feel good in any way, it made me feel sick. All the bad feelings related to his affair and the death of our marriage came flooding back. I have helped many people in Plan B over the years and they had the same experience. Taking a pause is not something I would ever recommend to anyone.

Also, I don't know that "pause" is the best descriptor for Readings situation. The XWH is dying. Plan B will soon be a non-issue.

(not trying to put words in your mouth or be crass, reading.)

"So one of the most important reasons for a spouse, particularly a wife, to go from plan A to plan B is to protect herself from the physical effects of long-term and intense stress."
Dr. H

from
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Melodylane.....you can indeed be someone who stays in further Plan B. It is your situation and choice.

reading, you're reacting quite emotionally, and I am sorry that I upset you. However, are you able to respond to my points, which boil down this:

Is your ex still in the affair?

How, then, did seeing him make you feel better?

I think these are legitimate questions and I was wondering the same.

I don't believe Dr Harley advocates keeping your love bank balance neutral after a divorce from a wayward spouse in the hopes that you can someday respond to them with some love bank units left in your account.

I believe he thinks of Plan B post divorce as a protective measure, almost like avoiding a trigger of a bad memory or avoiding a abusive/angry person. I have personally had conversation with Dr Harley regarding my WxH and contact I have had to have with him post D (court issues - forced contact) and he basically indicated that I should avoid the contact if I could (I couldn't) and when I told him that my WxH was basically a whiny baby, he joked that maybe the contact wasn't such a bad idea after all.

He also told me that a WS that divorces due to an affair, that this is the kind of mistake that person will never recover from - that this WS will likely suffer from depression for the rest of their life, etc.

I can personally say that my exWH has a very typical wayward victim mentality - and in my interactions with him post-D he has gone from one extreme to another, apologizing for hurting me (with tears in his eyes - mind you, this was while in court one of the issues being that he had just filed for sole custody of DS) and wanting a hug.....to the following week allowing his wicked wife to send me yet another nasty email because he didn't get his way with a visitation change request. He's a toxic person and not someone I choose to interact with if I can avoid it regardless of any love bank balance. I think this is typical for a wayward spouse that end the marriage in divorce from an affair (from my experience, others that I know who have D from a WS and from Dr Harley's' comments).

I see this present discussion as more of a forgiveness discussion than just a Plan B discussion, in as much as the fact that the only true motivation for breaking Plan B is to offer an olive branch to the dying WS. I have heard many sermons and read many testimonials on this subject. Most advocate for forgiveness at all costs, as if universal forgiveness is what God desires of us. Well, we are imperfect sinful humans who are not capable of truly forgiving. In as much as God does not forgive those who do not repent, one can question the necessity for us to forgive in the case of infidelity, anyway. The best we can do is lay the whole matter at the foot of the cross and walk away from it. When you think about it, that is essentially what Plan B has you do. Does an impending death give you a cause to walk back to the cross and pick the problem back up for yourself? You can think so, if you think that you are somehow able to compensate for your own sin. I don't believe that any of us are. So, breaking Plan B is not a good idea. It is more likely to cause you sin through your own pride and self-righteousness, since none of us are capable of offering true forgiveness, anyway.

I am not emotionally responding at all.

I didn't break Plan B after six years for any reason other than.....

I have survived and healed.

I shared in the Divorcing/Divorced forum (not the Surviving an Affair one) because I thought it would be a good thing to share.

I won't go into details because......they don't matter.

I healed.

I survived.

Someone will understand and appreciate that.

I don't think you DO get it. You don't get that there are people here who are desperate to grab onto an anchor when they need to be thrown a life vest. You are throwing the anchor.

Getting your feathers ruffled when Sugarcane expresses some real concern really shows that you don't get it at all.