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We talked about moving last night because we passed OM on the road the other day. Well, she shouted "he is always going to be around. What are we supposed to do, move?" I said yes we are going to have to move. She didn't respond.
She messes with my head so bad because up until last night, every time I mentioned stopping the affair she would get mad and say she doesn't want to or its not worth it to be in a bad marriage. But last night for the first time she said she doesn't want to be with him and is trying to stop contact but doesn't want to live the rest of her life with me constantly accusing her of talking to him. She also said she told him we have been getting along really good lately. I trust the guidance on this forum, but it makes me worry because she plants that little seed of doubt and scares me.
Can you not see the logic in moving? You accuse her of talking to him BECAUSE SHE IS TALKING TO HIM and she can't stop talking to him because she is addicted and the source of her addiction is right there. She can't ever get over her addiction because she is triggered every day by his presence.
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I trust the guidance on this forum, but it makes me worry because she plants that little seed of doubt and scares me
What worries you specifically?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I said yes we are going to have to move. She didn't respond.
What is the plan?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I trust the guidance on this forum, but it makes me worry because she plants that little seed of doubt and scares me.
Yes, what little seed is she planting? Is she convincing you that the best course of action, what is best for your marriage, is for her to continue her affair? Of course that is silly. You are a rational man, you know that there is no way your marriage will survive with her continuing an affair.
What can she possibly scare you with? That she is going to end your marriage? She is currently having an affair, THAT is going to end your marriage. There is no 'scare' in that, it is fact. A marriage cannot survive with a third party involved. So there is nothing for her to scare you with. You are taking steps to end the affair, that really is the only option if you want to save your marriage.
She causes me to doubt because she says she is working on ending it herself and me bringing it up causes us to fight and for her to not want to be around me. I know it sounds illogical, but there is still the little voice in my head saying what if she is right. Plus, it is misreable getting yelled at and put down and not fighting back, especially when I am the one that is in the right. Also, she said she called OM yesterday because she heard through second hand info that I called OM's boss yesterday (sheriffs office) and told him of the affair. I didn't do this and have no idea who it was. My only guess is that OM made it up so that the info would make its way to WW and cause us to fight, since they have been communicating less and less. She accused me of lying about it. She said she doesn't care if I did it, she says she is just mad that I am lying about it. I told her OM must have made it up, but of course she thinks that is not even a possibility. I did expose to his job about a month ago, but they were both already aware of this. This new exposure has to be a lie. I want to talk to her this morning and tell her to end contact again to see what she says, but when we went to bed last night she was yelling and cussing and I feel like I should be quiet for a while today until I have a little more time to "plan a" her back into a good mood. Then I will demand it again tonight.
As far as plans on moving, I have applied to a bunch of jobs in an area about an hour from here. I guess that woukd be far enough to keep from accidentally bumping into OM, but it's also within a reasonable driving distance for both of them. I also found a couple transfer opportunities with my current job that are in different states. I've been researching the quality of schools around the area.
She causes me to doubt because she says she is working on ending it herself and me bringing it up causes us to fight and for her to not want to be around me. I know it sounds illogical, but there is still the little voice in my head saying what if she is right.
You are being silly and need to start employing some logic. Phrases like "working on ending it" are weasel words employed by an addict. It only means she is still in her affair and wants to shut you up. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated. We have told you she is addicted so you can expect her to do everything in her power to get you off her back so she can continue her affair.
If you were my son, this is what I would do to you:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Refresh my memory, have you told your mother about this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
If your wife were serious about ending it, SHE WOULD END IT!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I want to talk to her this morning and tell her to end contact again to see what she says, but when we went to bed last night she was yelling and cussing and I feel like I should be quiet for a while today until I have a little more time to "plan a" her back into a good mood. Then I will demand it again tonight.
Stop fearing your wife's anger. Stop waiting till she's in a good mood. Stop letting her control you, and just do what needs to be done.
Your marriage can survive her anger. It will not survive her continued contact.
Drive her mad on the issue, man. Be a broken record. Annoy the heck out of her by refusing to let it go. Don't back off just because she throws a hissy fit.
Drive her mad on the issue, man. Be a broken record. Annoy the heck out of her by refusing to let it go. Don't back off just because she throws a hissy fit.
yup!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Ok. I know. It just helps to have y'all snap me back into reality occassionally. I'm definitely making a little progress I think, since her arguments have changed from "he's my best friend and I don't want to stop and I am going to the lawyer tomorrow" to "I don't want to be with him and I am going to end it my own way and you just need to quit aggravating me about it." So at least the threats of divorce have stopped.
I put a voice recorder in her car and a GPS tracker early this morning before she woke up. So I will check that this evening. I can also access the phone records to see who she is calling/texting. That's the extent of my snooping. I can no longer open her social media accounts. But I did notice that since she said she told him she can't talk anymore last night, OM's profile on instagram still says WW is following him. I was thinking of texting her a screen shot of that and asking why she is still following him. Is that a bad idea or should I just be vague and tell her she needs to block him on all her social media?
And yes, I did expose to my mother and his mother. I have exposed to everyone I could think of.
Please follow Prisca's suggestion and strenuously ask her to eliminate all social media. Send the screen shot of IG and tell her this means her affair is still active. She must cut off ALL contact with her OM.
Can your mother help you navigate your wife's manipulations? You seem very ill equipped to deal with manipulators. Can your mother help you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I could try to ask my mom for advice, but she is very similar to me and is naive to bad behavior. She is also very old fashioned and fairly simple minded. But maybe she will have some wisdom in her old age.
Of all the friends and family I have exposed to, I haven't found anyone that gives the kind of advice I get on this forum. Everyone I speak to in person either says to divorce her, or just stay with her and never mention the affair again.
I have been following all the advice from this forum though, and I've definitely noticed a positive change. I can tell WW is confused and torn, because she expects me to have my normal reactions and fight with her. But I've been the perfect husband 99% of the time and it is moving her closer to wanting to reconcile I think.
