I realize I have been breaking the promise of exclusivity in the last 5 years, but my wife's promise to care was broken years before that and has carried on for many years.

I hate to get all psychobabbly, but this really sounds like "enmeshment." Can we talk about one person's failings without talking about the other person's failings? It doesn't matter why. What matters is that nearly 100% of women hurt terribly from something like this.

This is like saying "My marriage had a broken leg, so in response I broke both of its arms, the other leg, and shot it in the chest." If one person makes a mistake, the other person doesn't make it better by bringing in additional mistakes. "My wife has a cigarette addiction, so in response I took up heroin."

I'm betting your wedding vows didn't include anything about weight but did include the phrase "forsaking all others."

Marriages don't get better unless you start correcting the problems, one by one, and in the right order. Dragging in another problem in defense just makes the whole thing unsolvable.

Do you know what Dr. Harley says about the contrast effect?

I have read all of the articles and links. I did give up the DVD player and have resolved to stop all angry outbursts. That is my part, I am not ignoring it. But what about her show of good faith in meeting my emotional need for an attractive spouse? She is neglecting my need. Yes I know about the contrast effect.

You have no reason to separate. I lost weight when my H and I were separated too, because I was emotionally devastated. That is not healthy.

Two wrongs don't make a right. That kind of thinking will harm your marriage, not help it.

I agree and realize two wrongs don't make a right. I am owning my part in the increase in problems and have remedied my part. The problem is that my wife has been overweight for many years, and I have told her how much this hurts me many times. I didn't always communicate it well, but am trying to do it better now. I need her to care about me in this way. If she can't or won't, what am I supposed to do?

Her being overweight does not "hurt" you. Let's stop with the drama. And you don't "own it" when you use her failure to meet this need as an excuse for your poor behavior. Much of the behavior on your side has hurt her terribly. It just impacts your desire. I would put aside your punishment approach and try something new. You will never motivate anyone to meet your needs by punishing her.

So what does Dr. Harley say about the contrast effect?

At this point, I wouldn't expect a show of good faith from her. You've probably devastated her. If you make enough love bank deposits to get her to fall in love with you again, she might become willing to meet your need. Without that, she never will.

Which is what I said earlier:

No, you haven't.
Have you read Lovebusters?

Did you see this?

I have read Love Busters and have implemented the program. Sex is not directly the issue, but my need for an attractive spouse is, which affects sexual arousal. It becomes more difficult to have sex with someone who is not physically attractive to me. I am not aroused by her visually. This is extremely important to me. It definitely does hurt me and thus our relationship. Harley talks about separating for emotional abuse and this feels like abuse to me. I understand now that he does not recommend that for men.

I do feel hurt. I have a pain in my stomach that started when my wife gained the weight back. How can you say there is no hurt going on here?

But not all of it. You still have quite a bit of learning to do. You are still very disrespectful of your wife, and it's going to take quite a while to fill her lovebank back up. But you must get her to fall back in love with you before she will be willing to lose weight for you.

Abuse is something that is done TO you, not the absence of emotional need meeting.

She is not abusing you by not losing weight. It may be something you desire, but is it not abuse just because it hasn't happened.

Abuse is the disrespect and anger you have shown her through the years over the subject. It is something you have DONE to her. Abuse is the demand that she lose weight or you will separate.

There's nothing wrong with a man wanting an attractive wife. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a man wanting his wife to lose weight. But when you start to get demanding, disrespectful and angry about it, THEN there's something wrong. I have 8 kids, and a lot of leftover pregnancy weight. My husband wants me to lose weight, too. And I'm gladly doing it -- but I wouldn't be if he treated me the way you have treated your wife over it for years.

So you might want to pay special attention to markos posts to you -- he's got a wife who's gladly jumping through hoops to lose weight for him.

Could you answer this?

How many dates have you taken your wife out on this week? How many hours alone with her do you get every week? Doing what?

That is silly. Abuse is something that is done TO YOU. Not meeting your need for PA is *not* abuse. It doesn't help the situation to dramatize the problem. We can help you get what you want without the drama.

Okay, here's my third time to post this. Hoping you will read it, respond to it, and do it:


If you want to get your needs met in marriage, this is what you'll need to do. Do you want to do this? I'll be happy to help you. If you don't want to do this, I'll find better ways to spend my time.