Independent Behavior

Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make. So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.

I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.

My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.

Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.

A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior. here

So you agree that he is capable and IS acting out of his normal nature?

Wow you sound like him,was it worth it lol? Yes and no,did he get mad,more then I thought he would for sure.Did he over-react?Yes he did,he threw things across the house and broke stuff and put a hole in the wall,never will I put up with that crap,he is five times stronger then I am,what if I happen to be in his way next time. I left and went for a walk when I got back he calmed down and apologized for over reacting but it wasn't sincere and kind of cash,he said I owed him an apology.I said no that I didn't after the way he acted and he knows that I told him if he did that again I was filing for divorce. He has done it once before though it was more then 10 years ago and he knows how I felt the last time it happened I left for a week.The only time I have ever seen him cry was when I finally gave in and came home. This wasn't like that he was feeling no remorse and left and when he came home we acted cordial in front of the kids,he left the next night and the last night I slept on the couch and he told me to come to bed.I finally apologized this morning,it took me awhile because I was so hurt by his actions.

I"ll post this again because I think we cross posted.

What he did was wrong, but so is what you did. Your controlling, independent behavior greatly upset him.

He probably needs anger management training to help him deal with his anger.

Here is what Dr Harley told me several years ago when we were in a similar situation:

Exactly!

Does your H know about MB?

Anger Management 101

The books alone did not work for me. I had to have the Marriage Builders Radio Show, too. Today there is the Marriage Builders app to bring the radio show right to you wherever you are.

I installed the app yesterday and downloaded the audio book on iTunes. Listening to both and shared. Thank you all.

MelodyLane.You have given me great advice and I am so happy,I found marriage builders it has given me hope for a passionate and long lasting marriage. I would like insight on a few topics and I am wondering if there is a way I can reach out to you or someone else without having to overload the forums.

125, the forums cannot be "overloaded". Nobody has to reply to a post if they don't have the time or interest - that's illogical. Indeed, you would be at risk of overloading an individual if you corresponded privately with them alone, putting the full weight of your recovery in their hands.

And anyway, the forum, as a public arena, keeps the advice under scrutiny. It keeps posters accountable. Who knows what could be posted to you via private message? It could be anti-Marriage Builders. It could be a harmful personal philosophy. It could be the kind of chatting up that results in affairs. Affairs between board members are frequent on forums that allow private messages.

For those reasons, the private message system is disabled here, and we are not allowed to post our email addresses, either.

Oh dear,no none of that.I was just curios if there was someone to reach out to for a long winded question,that is totally understandable. Thanks

You've got a whole board to reach out to. That's what it's here for.

I will make it short as I can.My dh is a successful business owner is gone on trips bimonthly most of the time I go and its my favorite part of being his wife,we have alone time and its always great. He is the main provider so much that I do not handle any of the bills or finances,I have two credit cards and access to one bank account.In the early years I paid the bills and would forget one or made a late payment. He is so focused on good credit and being on top of finances that it almost caused a divorce,he took it over and I have never offered it back and I am greatly ok with it (terrible with money). I have no idea what is in his bank accounts.Here is one example, mom wants to buy a new car asks could he lend her the money. He says I should be able to work that. Here is where this bothers me, he is always handing out money to his family, I say can we afford that. His response,they will pay us back.That is true,His mom not so much.This is an annoying problem that has been going on for years, she is so bad with her money and he is always the one to bail her out.

We have an easy marriage and usually get along, last week we got in a fight,the reason I am here.What I am getting at ultimatly is how do you get such a busy man to get involved.I asked him and he said I will think about it. We went to a counselor in the fifth year of marriage,I was pregnant with dd and upset that he was not as interested like he was with the first. Well,my husband is so honest and straight that it got the dang counselor laughing, this man would listen to me and then laugh whenever my husband spoke,afterwards we both decided to never go back.
I had him download the show,if he listens that is another story.We do have some things to work on and I am hoping to get him on board any advice on how to present it,is greatly helpful.

He will probably get on board if he listens to Dr Harley, because men like Dr Harley. He has an engineers mind and everything he says makes sense. No psychobabble and pure precision. You can also email Dr Harley and go on the radio show. Dr Harley can address your issues and you can play it back for your husband. [it is free]

I am going to look into that, would I email them directly? I am not sure if I have one issue to implement,a long relationship has may issues I do know my main one,except throwing stuff when angry,I am not waiting 10 years for another blow out.He needs anger management. No, I have not told him about this forum, he would be upset with me for getting others involved in our drama.We both felt bad and talked a long time about what we both did wrong,the sex has been non stop for 3 days and I am exhausted.He is out with friends tonight and I am relived, though I a may go rescue him.He is with a friend that is dealing with a wayward hubby,she just texted me to come.I am heading there to stop this in its tracts. You have all had me on my toes lately.

Good. He shouldnt be going out with other women. If its one-on-one, it is a date. Even if there are others there, this only leads to misery, especially if she is confiding her problems in him.

Email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Your lack of knowledge of the financials and his going out without you where other women will be makes me very nervous for you. You need to start reviewing the financials.

There are many issues in your marriage and this program would resolve them all. But FIRST you have to get your husband on board and get him into anger management. Dr Harley can help you with that.


This is EXACTLY how affairs begin.