In order to listen to the archives you pay about $50 per year. Best money we ever spent. The cost is less than one counseling session to hear the MB principles applied to real life marital situations. It is very helpful to listen by topic.

Suppose eventually she says she ended the affair and I keep snooping and don't see any contact. How do I know that she didn't just find another way to stay in contact?
Before I found MB, one of the other message boards I was on had a few people tell me it took 5 or 6 months AFTER the affair ended for their spouses to actually show remorse and a real willingness to reconcile.
I hear everyone say she has to stop all social media and read and follow Dr. Harley's books, but everytime I mention any of that stuff right now she wants nothing to do with any of that. From what I can tell, even when she ends the affair for good it may be a while before she agrees to do any of that stuff.
Does that sound about right?
It sounds like I should keep bugging her about ending the affair and once she finally does, keep snooping for a long time to make sure it's real. So at that point, do I stay in Plan A until she shows real remorse and a willingness to change? Or would I move to Plan B even if she ends the A but doesn't seem fully committed to reconciling?
I am wondering all this because I just read the thread about False Recovery and I am worried about that now. I guess once we move though, a false recovery would be less likely.

You have to continually snoop.


Don't expect her to show any remorse for years, if at all. Women don't typically show remorse and it isn't necessary for recovery.


Just let her know that will be a deal breaker if she doesn't do that. If she doesn't get on board with recovery, you should plan to go into Plan B after a few months.

I showed her this evening how my instagram account shows she is still following OM. She said it was a mistake and she logged in with me watching, and showed that he is not one of her followers and how he actually is blocked. But she admitted that somehow he is still able to send her messages. She showed me the message he sent earlier saying how he hates her and she means nothing to him now, and all this stuff. Then like usual, she got very angry and started cursing and said how I am never going to trust her and life is going to be like this forever with me.
I responded with "then show me how to trust you." She said, "I'm not going to beg you to trust me. That's what you want me to do." I said, "I don't want you to beg. I just want you to never talk to OM again. That's all you have to do." She yelled, "I don't know why we have to talk about this everyday. I don't even want to look at you or be around you."
Then I went to lay down in the other bedroom. The kids came with me because they were afraid of her yelling.

While laying in here in the other bedroom, I'm thinking of texting her on the other side of the house to say she needs to get off instagram and other social media if he can still message her while blocked. I don't know if I should do that or just let her cool down or go tell her in person. I assume it will make me less attractive if I keep the argument going though.

Why are either of you still on Instagram? You need to get rid of social media.

Don't argue with her, but demand that she delete her instagram account. It is a simple fix if she is serious.

When the conversation stops being productive, end it. Dont re-start an argument. Also, avoid discussions late at night. They are generally unproductive, discouraging and exhausting.

Also, have you done anything fun in the past few days? You need to be offering a better alternative to the OM.

We have been doing fun stuff together, but not as much as I want. I have been doing as much as she will allow. We went to the movies a few times and I joined her martial arts class with her, we have fun doing that together.

She ended up coming back in the room where I was and started fighting with me. I didn't fight back, but I did say she needs to have no contact with OM so we can eventually start recovery. Finally, she texted him the pre-written letter I had given her that says basically "I want to work on my marriage. I will no longer respond to any emails or texts or phone calls." Once she sent that letter, she went from angry and yelling to down right crazy. She was standing up by the door shaking and crying. Then she ran in the bathroom and started puking. She repeated the stuff about hating me and being miserable that she ruined her life and has to live with me not trusting her for the rest of her life.
I calmly told her that all she has to do is have zero contact with OM and just simply tolerate me while getting over the affair so we can start to rebuild after that is passed. She yelled at me to shut up and we both went to bed.

When I said she needs to get off social media, she responded by saying I am taking her life away and she will never be happy. I do feel a little conflicted about that, because she can't be on social media if he can message her, but she is also a photographer and gets lots of enjoyment from putting pictures on social media.

But at least she seems to have finally went no contact for real now, if she can maintain it. Also, OM is finally being mean and hateful to her and isn't perfect like she used to maintain. But it worries me that if they are fighting, once he finds a way to sneak a message through and apologizes for being mean, they will make up and the affair will be back in effect and stronger than before.

We were supposed to go have fun today by going to the lake with her friend and her husband, but I'm not sure if she will still go after being so upset last night. Not sure if she will feel like it either, if she is really in withdrawal now.

Dont' agree to any "enjoyment" that is harmful to your marriage. She has already shown she should not be on social media. Don't cut corners, because you will just cut your chances of saving your marriage.

In the meantime, you should be selling her on the prospect of having a happy, passionate marriage. Tell her that is your goal, but she must first end her affair.

You should also get rid of social media.

Keep being pleasant. If the two you can take a get away trip, that would help a lot. Also change phone numbers and emails. Strongly consider moving.

Thanks for the advice.

Since she told OM it's over and seems to actually be in withdrawal, do I still keep mentioning for her to stop the affair or bringing it up in anyway? Or should I just keep spying and following plan A and telling her my plan for a happy and passionate marriage?

Melody, I see what you mean about not agreeing to any "enjoyment " that is harmful to the marriage. Now I remember hearing Dr. Harley saying the same thing on the radio show.

Also, it will be easy for me to quit social media, I never use it hardly now. Her on the other hand, that is going to be a battle I think.

If she has stopped the affair, then don't keep asking her to stop it.

What you can do now is tell her that you want to create a happy, passionate marriage. Tell her this, "you have said many times you want me to trust you. Let me show you how to build my trust." Then whip out the checklist and talk to her about moving and all the other items on the checklist. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you shown her the book?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I still haven't got the book. It's been on my list but I will definitely get it today or order it.

I doubt she is prepared to make many changes right now, but I'll keep trying until maybe the fog lifts enough and she is willing to try.

We have been getting along ok this morning. She left to go get some stuff at Walmart and called me 30 minutes later and seemed to be in a much better mood. Not sure if this means she contacted OM or not. I am going to check the GPS and voice recorder in her car when she gets home.
If she was telling the truth the past few days about not wanting to be with OM, plus him messaging that he hates her and is done with her, could that make her withdrawal less severe? I'm just wondering because I assume if she isn't sick and laying in the bed all day, that maybe she is lying and isn't in withdrawal. Or can the withdrawal fluctuate daily and her moods constantly change?

Another question I been wondering about: D-day was over 2 months ago and I was miserable and devastated and thought about the affair everyday. But since I have been doing Plan A, I haven't thought about the affair much at all. Could I really be over it already that quick or is it just because my focus has been on saving my marriage, and all that depression and resentment will eventually hit me again? I worry that once we get in recovery for a while and I finally started to relax a little, all of the affair thoughts will hit me and I will do or say something mean to her.

good!


So show her the plan and start planting the seed now. She will never be prepared if you never paint the picture.


Her words mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have to pay attention to her actions.


The affair is not over. You are just distracted because you have a plan now. Affair thoughts will continue to plague you unless and until you recover your marriage.

Thanks for the info and the quick response Melody. You have been very helpful.

Dollarbob,

Like you I am on the verge of recovery. When my wife came back home, it was short lived. I went through the steps listed by MelodyLane, yet before I could cut all communication, he seemed to have gotten to her and apologized for his actions. That was all it took. Yet I made a grave mistake. I tried to "force" my views of this program on her through lecturing for an hour or more each time we talked. It wasn't till I stopped myself from trying to force her into it, that she actually started to open up to me. My suggestion would be to back off. Show her, don't tell her! Get yourself on the program and start being the best husband you can be. Believe me, you still need to snoop, but every time you bring up the affair or trust, it withdraws Love Units. I learned this too late. I still have time to make my marriage great and so do you. But don't push her away. Try planting a seed in her head and let it grow. Keep your boundaries though, but there are ways to avoid Judgments and selfish demands. Allow her to have an input in the recovery of your marriage.

Last night she said she cut contact and she was miserable and definitely beginning withdrawal. Today she seemed fine for the most part. I haven't found anything to be concerned about during my snooping, but I am still worried. Is it OK if once per day I ask her if OM tried to contact her, even if she will probably lie about it? Or will that just cause her to pull away more and question her decision, even if that's the only time I mention the affair daily?

Continue to quietly snoop but otherwise, focus on Plan A.

Ok thanks

I'll have to start off slow I think, just casually mentioning the plan and getting off social media and all that. But how long do I keep up with that before changing tactics? Everytime I mention social media and changing emails, she is going to keep saying I am being controlling and she doesn't want to live like that. Also, what do I do about her work email? I have no way to stop them from using that, that I know of.

Also, if she ends up finding the GPS or voice recorder in her car, does that pretty much mean we are finished for good?