Thanks Prisca and Melody.
I managed to get her to tell me her bank account password (we share the account but she had split our access when we went to talk to lawyers, and my online account had some kind of problem keeping me from logging in). It took me asking twice and reminding her that we always only had the one online account.
I have only mentioned the social media passwords once, two days ago.

How do I go about telling her to give me passwords or get off social media or both, without her thinking recovery is a mistake and running back to OM? Do I just keep mentioning it like I did with ending the affair?

You keep bringing it up. Show her the checklist and tell her "This is what I need to recover." Repeat it daily. She may blow up. She may contact OM. Don't be scared of her reaction, just calmly keep telling her what it's going to take to reconcile.

And don't forget 20 hours of fun dates each week with no relationship discussion.

It's been 3 days since WW angrily and reluctantly sent the NC letter. I discussed the plan/checklist with her after she sent the letter, but she was still angry and fighting so it didn't do much good yet. We have been getting along very good though since she sent the letter. There has been no fighting or angry outbursts on her part. We have been talking on the phone a good bit while driving, and texting a good bit while at work during the day. But no talk of the affair or relationship. She still doesn't respond when I say "I love you" and she doesn't return my physical affection. It's hard because there is still very little transparency, so I don't know if my efforts are depositing any love units.

I haven't seen any evidence of contact between her and OM, but she doesn't seem to be having any withdrawal at all. From the messages I intercepted in the week or so before she sent the NC letter, it looked like their relationship had been dying down. So I'm guessing maybe that's the reason for lack of withdrawal symptoms. Either that or she is still in contact. She still uses social media, so I can't tell if they are still chatting on Instagram while she is at work everyday. I'm working on trying to get her to give me the passwords. She has a strong addiction to social media, that started years before the affair. So I think it will be a while before she will even consider giving that up.

I bought "His needs, Her needs" and I started reading it yesterday. I have "Surviving and Affair" coming in the mail.

Question:
While I'm still doing Plan A to get her to start recovery, how do I keep from looking foolish while basically waiting on her hand and foot? She basically comes home from work and relaxes while I take care of the kids and cook and clean. Or is that how it's supposed to be? I assume if this keeps up, she will eventually start treating me like a waiter and asking me to do more and more.

Keep making love bank deposits. When your balance in her love bank exceeds the romantic love threshold, her behavior toward you will shift dramatically. It is a sudden change. It is not gradual. There will be no sign ahead of time that it is coming.

What if she is still secretly communicating with OM? Will I even be able to make deposits?

I am planning on waiting until we both get home from work today and make a few deposits and then ask if I can see her cell phone. I want her to show me her Instagram so I can see the message history. If she refuses, it will start an argument but I will also know she is hiding something.
Is this a bad idea, as long as I don't argue if she says I am invading her privacy or something like that?

It's just aggravating and worrisome, because I have been in Plan A for about a month and definitely made progress, but now that she supposedly started NC, I lost my reason to mention it everyday. Since I started Plan A, everytime I mentioned NC, it gradually progressed from her ignoring it to getting mad and lying saying she did stop contact, to saying I wasn't worth giving up contact with him, to her saying she was trying to stop, to her telling him she had to stop even though she didn't want to, to finally this last time she angrily sent him the NC letter I had typed for her. I assume if she was serious about NC, she would have agreed to send the letter without fighting me about it.

Now, since I still don't have transparency from her, when we are not together I worry all day that she is in contact with OM. And I'm afraid to tell her this in case she really hasn't spoken to him since sending the NC letter, I will be making her angry and withdrawing a lot of love units. I also think it would be better to get her passwords without her knowledge, so I can see if she is lying.

First, you need to stop being afraid of her and what she's doing.

If you don't have transparency, you can assume she's still in contact. Bring this up everyday -- it's part of the checklist we told you to show her. Bring it up everyday. Insist that you need transparency in order to recover.

Keep snooping, but also keep on insisting she follow the checklist.

I talked to her about the emotional needs quiz in "His Needs, Her Needs" last night and asked if she would follow that with me. She said she would.

This morning though, I checked the voice recorder and GPS in her car. Her and OM had a nice long conversation on her phone on the way to work. They were talking about how he has to go to counseling now since he is depressed over losing WW. Then they just talked about some random stuff.

I want to confront her right now, but I don't want her to get suspicious and start digging around her car looking for the recorder and GPS. And it will also keep her from giving any new info on the recorder this morning. So I guess I will wait until she gets home this evening before I say anything. Going to be a long day.

When was the last time you spoke to his wife?

About a week i think. She said they are still seperated and getting divorced. She said neither of them want eachother back.

I don't like talking to her though, because she gets really crazy and scares me. I don't trust her. I get the feeling she would try to hurt my kids to get revenge on my wife.

When I was listening to the recorder, it sounds like she must have finally gotten another secret cellphone. I heard her tell him to hold on while she called me to say she was running late, and I could hear them still talking while the phone was ringing to call me. Also, there is nothing on the phone showing her calling anyone but me. Unless she has some kind of app where she can talk to him and call me at the same time. I could tell they were on speaker phone and some kind of screen chat where they could see eachother. So I'm thinking if it was a secret cellphone, there woukd be no reason to use speaker phone and screen chat. I'm leaning toward FaceTime or Skype or something. I have more to listen to, but I can't listen straight through since I'm at work.

I listened to some more. It appears it is an app. I heard her call him and he asked what was she doing. She said "I downloaded the app again to see if you messaged me."

I called just now and said "I love you but you are killing me." She asked what was I talking about. I said "you didn't talk to anyone yesterday?". She hung up on me and texted a few minutes later to ask what kind of spy program do I have on her phone?

I'm not texting her back though. She will probably start thinking and eventually go look in her car.

Just tell her that you are "having her watched" and you know what is going on.

Now she is texting all the typical things like "tell me what you have on my phone right now or we aren't working on things anymore", "I was going to tell you I talked to him but I didn't want us to fight", "I only talked for a minute but it wasn't bad."

Should I keep ignoring it or say something back?

I hope that you are working very hard at getting out of that town because you see how it will be living there.

Remind me, did you expose to the OM's parents?

"I am having you watched and won't reveal my sources. I am asking you to end your affair so we can work on things. You are hurting me terribly."

"we can never work on things until you end your affair and stop all contact with OM."

She just called and was wanting to know how I knew she talked to him again. I didn't tell her anything. Then she blamed it all on me and said she isn't living like this anymore. She lied some more and said she only talked to him a minute before she got home, but I know it was the entire 30 minute drive to work and the 30 minute drive home.
I didn't argue on anything. She said something about us working on our marriage the past few days, I just responded that I was the only one working on things if she was in contact with him. She said I will never trust her and that we need to call it quits because that is best for everyone. Then she hung up and immediately started texting pretty much the same stuff about me being a liar and never trusting her.

just be a broken record:

"we can never work on things until you end your affair and stop all contact with OM."

"I can't even begin to trust you until you end your affair and stop all contact with the OM."