I suggest you finish reading Surviving an Affair. Normally plan A should be in effect for 3 months for men. 3 weeks for women. Do everything you can to keep from being controlling. I realize that you have to demand no contact... be nice about it. It will help if you quote the book and let her know that YOU are following the program. As stated before. You have to start working on you first.

Plan A is 6 months for men.

Just get the devices in the car. She is unlikely to find them.

The devices have been in the car for about a week or 5 days. The only problem is that instagram is their primary source of communication and she changed her password about a week ago. Do you think if she refuses to quit social media that I can compromise by asking for passwords, at east temporarily?

I was able to get the password to the phone account by putting a keylogger on my own phone and getting her to log in to the account on my phone. But I haven't figured out a non suspicious way to get her do the same with social media.

I expect maybe they will eventually get prepaid cell phones, and I will pick that up on the voice recorder in her car. So far I haven't found any contact though, unless they are using Snapchat or instagram. I just have to find a way to spy on those again.

Many people use the same password for several accounts. Have you tried that password?

NO, don't ever ask her about it. TELL her about it when you have found evidence.

STOP, It is not "controlling" to ask her to commit to extraordinary precautions. Don't "casually" ask her to commit to recovery. Pull out hte checklist and tell her this is what it will take to make me feel safe and is the first step in creating a great marriage. I am asking you to eliminate all social media accounts and give me access to your account... etc, etc..."

I don't think you understand what "controlling" means. SHE IS CONTROLLING YOU by subjecting you to her marriage wrecking behavior. Controlling means to FORCE her to do something. Asking her to stop doing something is not "controlling." Forcing her to DO something is controlling. For example, if you FORCED her to wear a black dress, that would controlling.


It means that spy method is finished and you need to find a better way to spy.

This completely misses the point. The purpose of eliminating social media is to stop contact with the OM. How will knowing the passwords achieve that?

Ok. Good info. Thanks

And Bob, we don't give ONE SINGLE CRAP if she catches you spying. You have a right and a need to know everything she does. It is WRONG to have an affair; it is NOT WRONG to catch her doing it. It is WRONG to hide her activities from you. If she would be open and transparent, you would not have a need to spy on her. No spouse has the right to the privacy to destroy her spouse behind his back.

If she catches you, then tell her "I am sorry you put me in that position. Do you think I want a spouse who hides things from me?"

Only a GUILTY spouse would object to her spouse spying on her. Just think about it for a minute. What would you do if you caught her spying on you? Wouldn't you respond by being MORE transparent so she would feel safe?

You are right melody.

Many years before we were married, the roles were reversed and she was wanting to snoop on me because I was lying and hanging out in bars with friends instead of with her. She offered to let me have all her passwords and read through her phone because she said she had nothing to hide. I said no and that couples needed to have some privacy. Now that we are married and she had an affair, it's the opposite. I want to be transparent and she doesnt.

Should I start by giving her all of my passwords and being completely transparent, to eventually coax her into doing the same? Because ever since the affair, she is constantly accusing me of doing something sneaky. She has accused me of talking to random girls, trying to have a relationship with OM's wife, and all kinds of things. I guess this is just to take attention off of her being sneaky.
My only fear with giving her access to my accounts (not including MB or my spy tools), is that if everything falls apart she coukd use that to sabotage me.

Don't do anything like this NOW because she is not safe. She would use them against you and you would lose this place as a resource.

She accuses you of "trying to have a relationship with the OMW" because she does not want you in contact with her. That should tell you that she is worried about that, so you should stay in touch iwth the OMW.

You can listen to the archives with the mobile app. You do this by selecting what you want to listen to ahead of time and building a playlist. The playlist then plays hands-free so you can listen on the go. The playlist is stored on the server, so you can select and change it from any device, including your desktop computer.

It used to be that the only way to listen to archives on your phone was to download the mp3 files on you computer and then sync through iTunes. This latest change is an attempt to improve from that.

This stage is harder than when I was telling her everyday to end the affair. At least then, I could gauge her reaction to me telling her to stop. But now, since she has supposedly stopped, I can't mention the affair and it drives me crazy thinking her and OM are supposedly still talking. Everything is all clear on the GPS and voice recorder in her car, but I can't see what she is doing on Instagram or Snapchat or work email.


Her mood is way more different than it has been since the beginning of the affair. Considering she emailed OM 2 nights ago and stopped all contact, she seems to be way too happy and energetic and friendly with me. She still shows me no affection, but isn't being mean or short tempered or anything. She also hasn't been keeping her phone glued to her hip at all times like before. But it's locked anyway, so I can't access it.
She showed me her and OM'S last few messages the other night where he was mad that she wouldn't divorce me and he told her he hated her and all this stuff. A week before that, she still said he was her best friend. So it seems like she should be depressed over all that and not acting so happy since cutting contact.

Can you check the phone bill records?

Yeah. I can check the phone records and think she is aware. That's why all of their contact has been instagram or Snapchat.

Ok, so get out the checklist and the MB material and tell her what it will take to recover your marriage.

Ask her for full access to her phone. Since she wants to be trusted so badly, this will help you trust her.

Until she proves she is not in contact by giving you passwords to all her accounts, then you can assume the affair is still on.

You are not in recovery until you have complete access to everything.

Show her the checklist. Work down it. Insist that it all must be followed, including giving you access to all her passwords.

Also insist that all social media be done away with (including instagram, facebook, etc).