Do the same EP required for an adulterous affair also apply to a relationship prior to marriage? Do EP apply only to the ex or to others in the circle around the ex (family and/or mutual friends)?

I had a two year sexual relationship with a man just before I met my husband. In our small town, it has been very difficult for me to avoid his brother and sister-in-law. In particular, the sister-in-law and her children share many of the activities that the kids and I do. The children in the two families have developed friendships with each other, but we have avoided situations (birthday parties, etc.) where the ex might be around. The family has shown the sensitivity to not mention the ex or my past relationship with him. I occasionally see his mother and step father, but there is nothing more than a polite hello before we all move on. I have not had any contact with the ex since marriage (15 years).

Going through MB has brought to our attention that the contact with the sister-in-law and her family may need to end. It will take a major re-haul of our family activities and community involvement to avoid this family, and could include cutting off other relationships that are mutual between the two families.

Is it possible to have firm boundaries regarding no friendship and still participate in events and organizations where this family will be? Or should we be avoiding contact with this family no matter what the cost � even to the point of leaving an event if they show up unexpectedly? Does the level and extent of avoidance depend on whether it is a trigger or not?

There is no reason you can't be in touch with this ex BF's family. [unless your spouse objects] The rule is to not have contact with any former lovers and no opposite sex friendships. That applies to all marriages.

What's your reasoning for thinking that perhaps the family should be avoided?

Reasons:
1) I have seen other posts on the forum where people have advised that contact with the OM/OW relatives should also be cut off.

2) The more contact our families have, the closer the relationship between me and the sister in law, and our kids. Our families are very compatible and without restraint everyone could easily become best friends. The thought is that avoiding the family would be the easiest way to make sure that does not happen.

3) While the ex does not currently participate in any of the activities/organizations that we are involved in, there is always the chance that he could show up to support his nieces & nephews. This would put our family in a very awkward position of having to leave abruptly and potentially abandon responsibilities that we have at the event.

4) Our kids do not understand why they cannot go to the birthday parties of their friends because the ex might be there.

5) (Most importantly) DH is reminded of my past relationship when he sees this family and finds the potential gateway of contact disrespectful and hurtful.

I am hoping to find options other than to uproot our kids from their current activities and lose a support community that I have developed over the past 7 years because they are mutual friends of this other family. The selfish part of me is saying it�s not fair that the kids and I should have to suffer because of a relationship I had before I even knew DH. The ex was a horrible person and abusive and I have zero interest in him.

Previously, we maintained distance with the family, but this last year the sister in law took a leadership position in an organization I was already leading in with my kids, and there was an extended amount of contact between us and our kids. The resulting friendship has led to frequent requests from all of the kids to get together to play and it is awkward to find excuses to keep them apart. Due to the sister in law�s leadership position in the organization, it would be difficult to avoid her even if I stepped down, and it is certainly difficult to keep our kids from playing with each other while we are at meetings and events.

The other family has tactfully avoided mentioning the past relationship, but they do not seem to understand why we would avoid them. We have not had a conversation with them on this topic, but I feel like it is the responsible thing to do to explain our separation from this organization and other common events. I don't feel like it is fair to expect them to change their lives to accommodate us, but I fear being continually uprooted if they again joined an organization that we are involved in.

I feel like under the POJA and to give extraordinary care, I need to make the changes that are causing DH hurt regardless of what the �rules� are. It is hard, though, and I am struggling. I need encouragement that this is the right step and the benefits to our marriage will outweigh the pain of uprooting our family from the organization/events/friends shared by this other family.

You are absolutely right and I agree with your reasoning. When you think about your children, think about what is the MOST IMPORTANT THING in their little lives. It is not their little friends, it is their parent's marriage. You should do everything in your power to protect your marriage. Your husband sees a risk here and I can understand why he sees that. Even so, if this growing closeness bothers him, the rule is to eliminate it.