Hello everyone. I've been married 30 years. We have three children. One is ready to graduate college, the other from high school and our youngest is special needs. . on the autistic spectrum. He's now 15. I work very hard, two jobs, to earn about $150,000 a year. Incredibly, with bills and spending we don't feel wealthy. I think we live comfortably and a good amount goes to retirement for us and setting up funds for our son for his future. I also don't ask my wife for any money for any bills. I ask her to work for her mad money. A constant source of our worsening fights is she wants, to my guess, about $30,000 to $50,000 for home redecorating . . .I don't have it. She also wants to stop working. She says, as a woman. She shouldn't have to work. In essence I'm told, by her, a REAL man makes enough for his wife to re-decorate and to be at home. As the fights start every word she screams at me seems to say " You're a failure. You may think you work hard, or that you're a good provider, but you're not!! You're a failure! " It hurts so much to hear this and it's happening more and more often. Any thoughts from any of you on how to steel my soul. . .my heart. . from these attacks? Thanks so much.

Hello SOS, welcome to Marriage Builders. The basic problem is that you and your wife have never learned to negotiate so you both fall back on a very unsuccessful strategy called dueling dictators. From reading your post, I can see that you feel you have the final word are not taking her feelings into account. She reacts by being extremely disrespectful and angry. Nothing will ever get resolved until you gain the necessary skills to negotiate win/win solutions.

This program can teach you how to learn those skills, but you are going to have to do some foot work. I would start by picking up the book Lovebusters, Fall in Love, Stay in Love and the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love. Another excellent resource is the MB radio program, which airs every week day. You can download the MB app [for free] and listen to it every day.

I would start iwth this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Reso...r Marriage Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Thank you for your reply. What negotiations can there be with " I want a new kitchen. It's $30,000. Give that to me." " What do you mean you don't have $30,000 to hand over to me?" " Get it!" "What do you mean you can't get it?" " God. . . how did I wind up with such a loser like you?" Doesn't sound like a dialogue open for much negotiation to me!

Like I said, neither of you are skilled at negotiations. It is a learned skill that this program teaches. Your wife will learn that making demands doesn't work and you will learn how to negotiate win/win solutions with her.

We are not here to resolve your conflicts for you, but can help you learn how to do this on your own.

I have an autistic son, too. He is now 33, and will be living with us for the rest of our lives.

It sounds like you have put your son's interests ahead of your wife's interests, and this has manifested itself in your present conflict. You need to realize that it is in the best interest of your children for you to put their mother first. If you did, you would likely find a willing partner in securing a financial future for your son. As it stands now, you are making disrespectful judgements and independent decisions that do not take her feelings into account. If you continue with these love busters, you will wreck not only your marriage and your family, but the future financial security for your son, as well.

Educate yourself on the policy of joint agreement. That is the framework you need to build your financial plans with.

I'm not in a position to say anything about your marriage. I can say though, man to man, dad to dad, husband to husband, that we are defined by far more than how we provide. And if you only measure your worth by your provision and your wife's approval or disapproval of it, you are selling yourself short.

In my book, Real men spend time with their families. Real men play games with their kids on the floor. Real men listen. Real men lead by example and keep their word. Real men are loyal and persevering.

I am helping raise my step son with special needs. How you handle that and the rest of your parenting says a lot more. And how you are to your wife says a lot more, than just how you provide.

That said, a lot of people borrow to renovate. If it is value-adding to your home, may be worth considering. Not suggesting irresponsible use of credit mind you. But we have made two borrowed investments in our home that have added value well in excess of the cost. And we paid both off quickly. Surprising how fast you can pay down debt if you focus.

I don't know anything about your situation apart from what you posted so who am I to say? Just look at yourself beyond being the tap for money. And if anyone else chooses to look at you as just that, it is their problem.