Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#2873810 01/05/16 12:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
My Husband and I have been married almost 11yrs now. We have 8yr old triplets and I have an older Son from a previous relationship. My husband litterally walked out the front door last Feb. 28th and hasn't lived with us since. I've struggled with addiction since about a year abter the kids were born. Fast forward to the walk out day, I was a drinker. Never had been but I was so emotionally screwed up that I just didn't want to feel anything. I drank pretty much every day for about 2 yrs. I stopped cold turkey one day. Things were going great! Then my older son's heroin addiction was revealed to me. I was devastated. I cannot put into words what I went thru. It took over every cell in my body. I was obsessed with his addiction, getting him help, and his 3 overdoses. Thru all of this my husband wasn't supportive. Sure he stayed. But he hates my son. Stealing and lying has ruined the fragile relationship that they had. I started drinking again. I'll admit that I had no clue how to handle this. I hadn't even met anyone yet who had a child addicted to such an ugly drug. Well, my husband asked, begged, and pleaded with me to stop drinking. But by then HE was the reason i was drowning my feelings. Very cold. Wandering eye for a younger family friend. So, he told me a few times if i didn't stop he was leaving. I honestly didn't believe he was a runner. I was dead wrong. He left.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the day he left. Went from staying home for almost 8 yrs raising the triplets to a full time job. AA meetings 2 times a week. Basically his leaving kicked my butt into shape. He says he doesn't want to be married. Says that if you slam your hand in a car door, you don't put your hand back there. He hasn't and won't file the paperwork. Doesn't want to go thru all the "legal" crap. And I've made it clear that i do not believe in divorce and I will not be the one to file. I don't want to be not married. I got married to a man who swore that marriage was a one time thing! No divorce. My view of him is shattered. How do i fix this?? So much more to the "story". We're in a good place now. I'm clean & sober and handling the kids, work, and the house on my own. He's around all the time. We haven't been this friendly or communicating like this for years. And we're still intimate. We basically seem to still be a married couple, but there isn't affection or living together.I LOVE HIM!! Even though we've seen a couple counselors over the years, I want to try! I don't want to just let this go. And most of all I don't want my children to grow up this way!! I'm completely devoted to fixing this. How do i convince him.....

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What is the status of your older son? And how old is he?

What does your husband say the reason is that he won't come back?

Quote
I'll admit that I had no clue how to handle this. I hadn't even met anyone yet who had a child addicted to such an ugly drug. Well, my husband asked, begged, and pleaded with me to stop drinking. But by then HE was the reason I was drowning my feelings.

So, it was your husband's fault that you drank alcoholically? You go to AA twice a week and you blame your husband?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Skidgel5
HE was the reason i was drowning my feelings. Very cold. Wandering eye for a younger family friend.

What is going on here? Is he having an affair?

oh boy, there is a lot of blaming going on here. Your husband did not leave because you were singing too loud in church. He left because the situation at home was intolerable.

Quote
And I've made it clear that i do not believe in divorce and I will not be the one to file. I don't want to be not married. I got married to a man who swore that marriage was a one time thing! No divorce. My view of him is shattered.

Just because you don't "believe" in divorce does not oblige your spouse to stay in an intolerable situation. Unconditional love leads to neglect and abuse and it sounds like you greatly neglected your marriage. Why would you expect anyone to live like that? Do you think its pleasant to live with an unpredictable drunk?

The way to save your marriage is to create a plan to make you both happy. You can't expect your spouse to be miserable and stay with you. Living with an alcoholic is an absolute nightmare. And having to deal with your son had to have been horrible too.

I would start by showing some empathy here and come up with a plan to make him happy. Stop trying to make him feel guilty for wanting to escape a bad marriage. You will not get him back on guilt.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
Believe me I have done nothing for the past 10 months but try to make up for my mistakes! I've owned it, begged forgiveness, apologized countless times and turned my life around. And yes, He actually cheated on our 10yr anniversary! That's a hard one to swallow don't ya think? I'm in NO WAY trying to guilt him into staying in this marriage. And I understand that living with addiction is horrible. I've done it. What i'm saying is there are plenty of reasons to STAY married. If I had known that I would get beat up and put down on my first post here, I would have steered clear of this site. I thought it was for help. I thought this whole site was about STAYING MARRIED!!!!!

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
And one more thing I need to make clear. I DO NOT BLAME MY HUSBAND FOR MY DRINKING!! It was my choice to pick it up. Did his treatment of me and our family contribute to me wanting to drink? Absolutely.

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
You repeatedly blamed your husband for your drinking in your first post.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Skidgel, you are in the best hands possible - if you will listen to what MelodyLane says, answer her questions, follow her advice, and not fight with her, you will end up with the best chance possible of keeping your marriage and making it great.

I'd advise you to calm down and not fight with MelodyLane even if her questions upset you. She is a true expert. Saving a marriage usually involves discovering mistakes you are making and have made, and talking about those. That's usually pretty unpleasant. Let MelodyLane guide you.

Try to stay as calm as possible while writing your responses, and use paragraph breaks so your responses are easy to read.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Skidgel5
And one more thing I need to make clear.

I have seen a lot of people come here and a lot of marriages saved and far more not make it.

If you are here to make stuff clear to strangers on the internet, you will not save your marriage. I am sorry, but that is the way it is.

MelodyLane knows the questions to ask. Trust me. Trust her.

The way you write frequently makes the mistake of speaking as if your husband is to blame for your choices. You may feel that you don't believe that - but frequently you are making the mistake of blaming him. A marriage cannot survive with the habit of blaming; it is a love buster. You have to learn to recognize and eliminate this habit.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Skidgel5
He hasn't and won't file the paperwork. Doesn't want to go thru all the "legal" crap.

This is a recipe for disaster. It gives him the chance to do whatever he wants to you, no matter what. He can have affair after affair, without consequences. That would destroy most women.

Quote
And I've made it clear that i do not believe in divorce and I will not be the one to file. I don't want to be not married.

To save a marriage it is usually necessary to raise your standards for the marriage and let your spouse know that if they want to keep you they are going to have to do MORE. This works. Telling your spouse you believe in marriage and won't divorce them no matter what doesn't work - it results in a long string of painful episodes where your spouse puts you through hell, and the marriage is lost.

Dr. Harley has a great article on when it is and is not appropriate to separate or even divorce:

Part 1
Part 2


Last edited by markos; 01/05/16 03:10 PM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Skidgel5
Believe me I have done nothing for the past 10 months but try to make up for my mistakes! I've owned it, begged forgiveness, apologized countless times and turned my life around. And yes, He actually cheated on our 10yr anniversary! That's a hard one to swallow don't ya think? I'm in NO WAY trying to guilt him into staying in this marriage. And I understand that living with addiction is horrible. I've done it. What i'm saying is there are plenty of reasons to STAY married. If I had known that I would get beat up and put down on my first post here, I would have steered clear of this site. I thought it was for help. I thought this whole site was about STAYING MARRIED!!!!!

You will need to steer clear if you think for one minute I am going to tell you what you want to hear. YES, you did blame your husband for your drinking in your post:

Quote
"I hadn't even met anyone yet who had a child addicted to such an ugly drug. Well, my husband asked, begged, and pleaded with me to stop drinking. But by then HE was the reason i was drowning my feelings.

And here you try to guilt him:

Quote
"And I've made it clear that i do not believe in divorce and I will not be the one to file. I don't want to be not married. I got married to a man who swore that marriage was a one time thing! No divorce. My view of him is shattered."

So, if you want help here, you need to knock it off. Why don't you go to an AA meeting and tell them this crap? Go tell them that your husband "was the reason" you were drowning your feelings in alcohol. MrRollieEyes

You might want to cut out the self pity too. crybaby You are not the victim here.

I am here to help you but you need to take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth first. If I - a PERFECT STRANGER - can see how you are blaming the victim here then he surely can. Until you stop doing that and start taking full responsibility for your bullcrap, he should RUN for the hills.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
And by the way, I have sober in AA for 30 years so I am very familiar with the blame game, guilt manipulation and self pity. It won't help your marriage and it won't help you. All you are doing is running your husband OFF by being a drama queen. If you can't listen and stop doing that, then I give this very little hope.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by Skidgel5
I thought this whole site was about STAYING MARRIED!!!!!
Actually, no. This site is about building great marriages, even when the marriage is in a terrible state to start with. Marriage Builders does not advocate marriage at all cost. If the participants won't do what is needed to recover their marriage, then divorce is an acceptable alternative to a broken and dysfunctional marriage.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
I have been thinking about what you said non stop since you said it. You're right. The situation for him was intolerable. It was. I didn't take care of him or our marriage. What you said has had me reflecting quite a bit. I apologize for speaking to you that way. I was very angry at your response. But like you said, not what I wanna hear. But I'm willing to take responsibility for my shortcomings as a wife & mother. Things between us have completely changed. Our relationship now is what it should have been the entire time. He's scared. And I fully understand why. There are a lot of "what if's" for both of us. I'm taking responsibility & willing to do and listen.

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 5
When I get to my computer I will go through EVERYTHING you have said & asked. And I'll answer all your questions. Thanks for not writing me off as an ignorant person who doesn't want to hear the truth. For myself, my husband, & my family Is more important than blame & pride.
By the way, my husband and I have therapy later this morning. Not marriage counseling, family Counceling.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Skidgel, good girl! Glad you came back.

When you come back, please also tell us everything you know about his affair. Is he still in touch with the woman? Has the affair been exposed? Was this his first affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 2
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 2
I agree with the other answers posted here. You have to understand that it is you who make your marriage. You have neglected your husband and your marriage for a long time now. You believe you had many reasons to behave the way you did, like you blamed your husband for your alcohol issues. That's not fair - that's no way to deal with issues. What you already had was a big enough concern with your eldest son. You should have focused on helping him out. I'm sorry to say that you made matters worse. First, by drinking every single day, then blaming your husband, then completely throwing away your relationship. How did all this even remotely help your son? It made things worse in your life. How is your son doing now - what is the status on him?

As for your own marriage, you need to understand that no amount of pleading and begging works sometimes. If he screwed up (by cheating on you) then you did too. Now, you cannot say that since I let go of the cheating matter so he must stay in a bad marriage. Living with an alcoholic is no easy matter. Things must have got unbearable for him; and he decided that it was no way to LIVE. Which is fair.

No body can tell you now that by doing this or that can save your marriage. The fact that you have stopped drinking, are thinking clearly and able to handle work and home better now is great. It really is great for your future. You need to acknowledge your role in what has happened and he should too. However, just because you changed will not make him come back to you just like that. If he has a change of mind and really feels that he can give this marriage another shot, then he will let you know. Right now, you should just focus on yourself, the kids, your home and other habits. You cannot make another person stay in the relationship if they don't want to. Give him time, if he really thinks things can be made better and the relationship can be restored, then he will come back. Just right now don't push him much.

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
SS - Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You are responding to an inactive thread. While your advice could have been useful to this poster back in January, it is now likely not so much so. People move on, and giving out-of-sync advice can actually cause setbacks. That is why you will find that Marriage Builders Radio rarely repeats a show that features a caller, because Dr. Harley does not want to cause the callers to experience setbacks due to hearing the show rehashing the past for them.

You should start your own thread and tell us what brings you here.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 17
My solution to D 15 years ago was to drink my way through it. I discovered I couldn't stop. Now sober over 10 years. AA ... Still a member. Still sponsor and attend meetings. Not as much but for 2 years probably 2+ per week plus 90 in 90 at the outset.

Took a long, long time for people to trust me again. Sorry to be the bearer of this news, but few people trusted me after few months sober. Couple years, mind you, people stared to. Now, for most people in my life, it's like it never happened.

How did I get them to trust me? I didn't. I just became a trustworthy person and let them draw their own conclusions on their own timelines. They decided to trust me, I didn't persuade them. The only thing I did was get busy with life which I suppose gave people a context to observe who I now was. A proving ground of sorts.

I was 100% reliable with my commitments of all sorts... Punctuality, financially, returned phone calls and emails, responsible in my job, etc, etc. I wasn't putting on a show.... I just "was".

I barely know the first thing about you or your H, but I am willing to bet he is looking for something to trust. Yes, he's enjoying some of the benefits of your relationship without the responsibilities (I'd be cautious of that btw... Just sayin). But perhaps there is more to it. There is every chance he wants to believe again. But it takes time, time, time. I recognize this is probably agonizing to hear. It was for me. But if you want to know how fast a year passes, just look at the year that just passed. Zoom.

And you will be the one who benefits from regained trust no matter what your H does. May sound like small consolation, but it helped me build a new and wonderful life regardless to what my ex did.

One of best pieces of AA I use in so many areas of life is "one day at a time". Sounds painfully slow, I know. But God as I understand him teaches me to pray for my DAILY bread. To me that's a pretty clear instruction. One that I can trust. And have lived it in every area of my life since. Every day that you ARE a trustworthy person gives opportunity for others to trust. Don't tell them, just be.

Sorry for the epic reply here. I'm new to this discussion board so I am not wishing to offer advice as much as simply share how things worked for me.

Will believe the best for you in our situation. Lots of good advice from people in here. Lean on them. I do.




Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 17
C
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
C
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 17
Oops. Just read the thread out of date post. Duh. Sorry. 😳


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,116 guests, and 67 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5