One week ago I confronted my wife about having an affair and she confirmed it. She works in a super high stress, high prestige job and the affair is someone in her office. Their work is only a year long and it is largely confidential so I can't really discuss much of it with her. The job ends in june (good news) but then she is free to move wherever (bad news) They work between 12-14 hours per day with about 40 other people and worked more closely on a big successful project together in early February. The affair started sometime after that. In February, my wife experienced three big deaths, 1 family friend. 1 a co worker, 1 a family member, all within a three week period. We got into a bunch of fights around this time related to the stress of the deaths, and I thought something was going on with her so was not as supportive as maybe I could have been. Turns out these two have been running together for for an hour everyday at work. And meeting up on weekends when I thought she was going into the office. (When I thought they were working at the office) to do whatever. Now I confront her. She tells me she is in love with this guy (after 2-3 months), and wants a divorce. My wife is a deeply religious person who has up until this point, never believed in divorce. Both our parents are together for 30plus years. We have been married for nearly 4 years, together for 6, and at least through December, she was signing the praises of how I was the most supportive husband ever.

I want my wife back. Both the OP and my Wife's jobs end at the end of June. He told his wife of 6 years (dating for 10) that he wants a divorce and is moving with my wife to her hometown when they finish their job in a few months. My wife is 31, he is 31, his wife is 31. According to both of them, they have not slept together, they have kissed, been over our houses a number of times but have not had sex (my wife waited until marriage to have sex, but i am 99% sure they are sleeping together). In December we started trying to have kids, but stopped in early February because my wife was worried the stress of the job might cause a miscarriage (a good friend had just had a miscarriage a few weeks before).

I sent out an email to all her family and friends letting them know about the affair and asking for them to help me get my wife back. Honestly it seems to crazy to me. 2 months, high stress, deaths, etc and winds up with someone from the office---its like a bad novel. Her mom is coming into town last week immediately after she found out and she told her mom she was acting crazy, was going to stop seeing this guy until after their jobs were over since if this got out at work it would ruin her career (she has very high aspirations). OM Wife initially wanted to work it out but has since kicked him out of the house. His parents think he is sick (previous bouts with depression and anxiety), and are getting him his own place to "recover". My wife told her family she needed some space and was going to stay with family friends for this week. On Sunday night she packed two bags and I know she had dinner with this guy and went to his hotel for a while before eventually going to stay at her relatives empty house. She lied to her mom and said she wasn't with him and was taking this week to "find herself" but they are commuting to work together. Her mom believes her.

I have not told her coworkers yet because if I did, it would likely make the news or at least the gossip. I would prefer to keep her professional reputation as intact as possible but I can't believe that a week after exposing the affair to her family and friends, she is still carrying on like this.

I am lost as to what to do to get my wife back and would appreciate any thoughts.

First off, this is a sexual affair. And secondly, you should expose it at the workplace right away. Not to coworkers, but to Human Resources. Your only hope is that she leaves the job. At the very least they may separate them at work so that will help oyu in the short term. This is hopeless as long as they work together.

There is so much superfluous information in your post it is hard to follow, but have you exposed to the OM's parents and family? Have you exposed to his facebook contacts?


If her "professional reputation" is ruined it will be due to her reckless, unprofessional behavior at work. She is very unprofessional and would be viewed as a loose cannon at any company. I am sure people at work know what she is doing and any hiring manager would not touch her with a 10' pole. The best thing for her is to lose this little job so she can learn to conduct herself in a professional manner in the future. That is in her best interest.

Have you spoken to the OM's wife?

Om wife and I have been in near constant contact. She initially wanted to work it out but as we put more and more details together she eventually gave up that idea and has kicked him out and is meeting w divorce lawyers

I emailed her family, friends, our wedding party, her mentors. I cannot expose at work. It would legitimately be national news and could impact sensitive political decisions (which makes the affair all the more reckless). He will not quit and she will not quit. Exposing to work would get the fired but it's not an option. It would also ruin the career that I hope she has...with me.

There will be no 'career with you' unless you expose at her workplace.

The affair must be exposed at the workplace. You have a chance to save your marriage or her job, but not both. If you research this enough you will find that your only shot at saving the marriage after an affair such as this is to bust up the affair.

Why can't you expose at work? And no, it would not "ruin your chances," it would ruin the affair. Did you want to save your marriage or not?

Have you exposed to the OM's parents and family?

Yes. The OM family and friends know.

His best friend just found out his wife was cheating on him and has told the OM he will never speak to him again. the OM parents are appalled, spent the weekend trying to talk sense into their son and console the wife. The families are super close and frequently vacation together. It's all crazy. There is not a rational thought being thunk between the two of them.

It will already damage their careers (going forward, bc this will get out), if it became public now (As opposed to in 5 years) it would be catastrophic but I know my wife would never forgive me and it would ruin and chance of reconciliation. Its a catch 22 I suppose.

You have this backwards. It will be "catastrophic" if the news gets out, which it will. I assure you coworkers are talking now. On the other hand, if you expose to HR they will quietly and discreetly manage her out. They are much more discreet than adulterers, who are sloppy loose cannons and walking liability lawsuits. It is likely many coworkers already know so it is just a matter of time before this info gets out into the wrong hands.

I don't agree it would ruin any chance of reconciliation; that is not how this plays out. A WS who wants to reconcile will not be deferred no matter what. Exposure will not stop that.

You don't need her "forgiveness," because you will have done nothing wrong.

You harm your chances of reconciliation by keeping her secret because she is free to carry on her affair at work. [and hurt her career and political organization in the process]

Let me explain why exposure does not "ruin" reconciliation. Anger over exposure is a sign of the fog. The fog only persists until the affair ends. Once the fog wears off, the anger evaporates and the WS is no longer angry. It is like cutting off the falling down drunk at the bar. Sure he is furious when he drunk. But he is no longer angry when he sobers up the next day.

Your most POTENT WEAPON against the fog is exposure because exposure ruins affairs. And lets say it doesn't kill the affair and she remains in the fog. You weren't going to reconcile anyway. But exposure gives you the absolute best shot.

Rest assured that exposure is your BEST CHANCE of reconciliation. In your case, the workplace exposure is critical because they work together.

If your wife continues the affair, divorces you and begins a long-term relationship with OM, you will not get your wife back. If you expose to HR and the affair ends, your wife will be upset at you for ruining her career (even though she's the one who did it). She probably will forgive you, though. You're looking at this wrong (as I did when I was in your shoes). Your marriage will end if she stays in that job. There is no scenario where she keeps that job and you save your marriage. That will not happen. As long as she remains in contact with OM their relationship will blossom. Eventually they'll get together full time and the fantasy will end, but by that time you'll have moved on and found someone else yourself.