Ok. We were having a great evening and getting along good. I calmly told her I need all her passwords. She flipped out instantly and said she is done and said she already told me from the beginning that she will never live like that. I said for her to show me a better way to rebuild trust. She said she isn't interested in rebuilding trust. She said either I trust her or I don't.

I didn't say anything else and tried to lay down, but she told me to go sleep in the other bed. So here I am. I guess I will see where it goes from here. If it's anything like it was when I kept bringing up NC, she will be in here in 30 minutes to tell me to get back in the bed.

We still haven't talked since last night. I got up to go to work and she was still asleep. Right now is the time of morning when she wakes up and starts getting ready for work.

Should I call her and be nice and act like nothing happened last night, or wait and see if she calls me first? Our last words to eachother was her telling me to sleep in the spare room last night.

You should always act nice, cool, calm and collected.

I'd send her something that sends a message that you need a relationship that is totally transparent. That you cannot live a life where your spouse needs to keep secrets from you. Then tell her you love her and that you hope you and her can live this transparent life together.

She called to ask if I knew where the kids booksack was at and that was it. I called back later to try to make small talk but she was not wanting to talk and was being mean. So I just told her I would talk to her later.

I'll try sending the message Mr.Alias suggested and see where that gets me.

I just sent the message like Mr Alias recommended. She responded that she isn't keeping secrets from me. I told her I'm not accusing her. Then she said she isn't talking about this anymore and for me to bring her IPad home.
I've been having her IPad since she never uses it. She thinks I am using the IPad to spy on her (I was until she changed the passwords, but she thinks I'm still using it). I don't want to bring it home and make her think I am giving up my ability to monitor her. But it is useless to me until I find her new passwords.
Should I just bring the iPad home, or keep the illusion that I can see everything she does on her IPhone with it? She doesn't want to use the Ipad, she just doesn't want me spying on her. All she will do if I bring it home is bring it to her job and lock it up so I can't spy.

Don't sleep in the spare bedroom. You are still married, so sleep in your bed. If she doesn't want to sleep with you, she can move herself to the spare bedroom (don't tell her that, let her figure it out on her own).

I wouldn't respond about the iPad. Don't worry about it right now. Spend the rest of the day sending her pleasant texts, and plan on trying to do something special for her this evening.

Ok prisca. Thanks

Have you installed spyware on her iPad? If you have to give it back then you'll have a way to check on her.

I tried to install spyware on the ipad, but it says I need to jailbreak it and there is no jailbreak for this particular operating system (ios 9.2)

Today she is pretty much acting the same as she did in the weeks before I started plan A. Everytime I try to text or call, she acts bothered and not in a mood to talk. My questions only get a yes or no response. It's depressing because it feels like we erased all the progress we made the past couple weeks.
Should I back off a little today and not contact her so much until her mood improves or until she contacts me first?

She is actually busy at work today, but she is never so busy that she can't talk for a few minutes or answer texts more often.

She commented this morning that she needed some windshield washer fluid in her car. So when I got off work I drove to her job and filled it up for her. She didn't say thanks or anything. She was still acting tired or mad or sad.
Can I ask her what's wrong if I do it in an attempt to be caring or comforting, or just ignore it and keep acting positive and happy and nice?
Another question:
If I don't find any evidence of contact today and she seems to be starting withdrawal, should I try to help her through it by making little comments like "I know it's hard but just stick with it and I promise we will build a great marriage when we get through this", or do I not say anything?

I also received "Surviving an Affair" today. I read the first 5 chapters immediately. It answered a lot of my questions. I would probably read the whole thing tonight, but my wife is about to be home.
Should I try to avoid reading books like that around her? I would love for her to read the first few chapters to show her that her affair is not unique and special. But I don't want her to see the parts about plan A and plan B.

Well, something felt fishy on her way home from work. She said she was stopping at Wal mart so I hurried and drove by there. Sure enough I see her and OM's vehicles. She came home in a quarrelsome mood too.

Should I confront her immediately or wait an hour or two until we both calm down?

I confronted her and she swears she didn't see or talk to OM. She was very convincing. I was certain I saw OM leaving walmart with WW driving right behind him. And on the voice recorder, as she was parking and getting out I heard her laugh and say "you weren't watching where you were going" as she shut the door.

So I could have been wrong. But she got mad and went to stay at her mom's tonight. She repeated the usual, that if we stay married her life will always be like this; constantly being accused. Hopefully I wasn't wrong though. I would hate to destroy all this progress and lose her because I mistakenly accused her.

Bob,

"I would hate to destroy all this progress and lose her because I mistakenly accused her."

Progress Bob? What progress? Because she threw you a few bones last weekend to get you off the scent from her very active affair, and you felt that because you two cuddled for a short while that's progress?? You have to soon realize that she is meeting with her OM and denying it to you because she does not respect you.

Look Bob, it seems to have come to the point way beyond soliciting hour by hour advice here that you need to assert yourself and tell (demand of) your WW at this time that 1) you have evidence of contact and continued affair (including today's observation, 2) that you desire to rebuild your M, but it will take her commitment to do the same and to no further contact with OM as a condition to stay in the M, 3)that she agrees to total transparency regarding contacts, passwords to enable you to monitor her social media contacts, and her whereabouts, and 4) that she willingly sends a no further contact letter (via FedEx) to the OM, this letter approved and sent by you. You have to stop with the constant accusations and state your love for her and your conditions for remaining in this M and leave it at that, besides of course with your doing as good a Plan A as you can. Your WW does not respect you, and she is trying to divert and manipulate you, so you need to listen to advice here and chance your approach.

Tom

I showed her the checklist last night instead of just mentioning it. She said it is ridiculous and that she will never follow it. She said the checklist only works for someone that wants to save their marriage and she does not. She said she is going to show it to everyone at work today and that they will agree with her. She said a couple people at work that had affairs told her they wish they would have gotten divorced because their spouse never trusts them and makes them miserable.

When I demand she stop contact she says she has, until I come up with proof. And when I demand we allow transparency she says no or that I just need to trust her. Then I usually say something like "that is the only way for us to get to the point of recovery and for me to feel safe." I feel like a weak fool unless I say something like "well get your stuff and leave. This cannot work otherwise." I don't know how else to respond.

She texted this morning and said "don't you think you owe me an apology? Don't talk to me until you come to understand that."

I don't know what to say. I thought I saw OM in his truck leaving walmart with her 2 cars behind him. I'm not certain it was him because he has a very common vehicle. And the time frame she was at wal mart didnt leave any room for anything other than a very short contact. I assumed they were meeting to get prepaid cell phones. She showed me the receipt though. So he could have bought it or I could really be mistaken. Every other time I caught her she admitted it, but this time she is adamant. I won't really know until I listen to the recorder for a couple days.

Even if I was mistaken, her reaction to me definitely warrants an apology. She should apologize to the kids for yelling and yanking the blanket off the bed with us in it too.

She also broke no contact last night because she called OM to ask if he was at wal mart, in an attempt to prove to me I was mistaken.

Assume she is in contact, until she gives transparency.

What is your goal? To save your marriage? Or to divorce?

If you want to save your marriage, then continue with Plan A. That means keep bringing up the requirements for recovery (the checklist that we've been hounding you about). At the same time, keep trying to make lovebank deposits and avoid all disrespect and angry outbursts.

If you want to divorce, then go with your instinct and try to "appear" strong by telling her to get out.

She's not going to. Don't ever expect an apology, you likely will never get it.