Elaina, yes- that's what I mean. And you're right, I don't have to feel guilty for my feelings on this. I'm trying to figure out how NOT to, when he's being nice and I'm not able to be nice back while I'm upset.

Unwritten, yes, I was in comfortable with his exchanges with the mom on our son's team. They were not obviously inappropriate or sexual, but they were warm and friendly.

Your poly experience is a wake up call here too, thanks for letting me know.

I'm still stuck with the issue- next time I see him if I bring it up he will get upset and he may not agree to a poly. Then what, let him know that I can't be with him until he does this? I'm scared and worried.

I think you need to grow a backbone here Kat. Honestly. I see so much gaslighting in your story, and it is quite clear that you are a bit brainwashed by it. You are unhappy and feel threatened, yet you constantly defend him when people point out the red flags, yet you still feel threatened, yet you don't want to do anything to upset him or make him think poorly of you....

If you want to just brush your instincts under the rug and take his word on things, out of fear of upsetting or disappointing him, go for it. I am pretty sure it is not going to work for you in the long run.

But if you want to find out the truth once and for all, then demand the poly. Just tell him you cannot feel safe until you are sure. If he refuses then he A) doesn't want the truth to come out or B) doesn't really care if you are happy or feel safe. Either one of those is a pretty big problem, don't you think?

We can go round and round with you about what you should do, but ultimately you have to do it.

Point taken- thanks unwritten.

I think one of your poly questions can be whether he had any kind of inappropriate relationships with women and another can be whether he has 100% truthful with you about OW during your M (you can hand him a list of questions if he agrees to the poly to answer before you guys go).

The thing is, most people who lead a SSL will reveal more information once a poly is scheduled so part of the goal here is to get your H to be more forthcoming and hopefully eliminate this whole SSL.

Without that step (asking for poly and getting your H to come clean about everything) it's going to be very difficult, if not impossible, for you guys to fix your M. Even if it happens to be the case that there is no A or OW being hidden, you are always going to be wondering.

And if you ask and he refuses, that is really in and of itself giving you some useful information about your H and the direction your M is heading in.

It's win-win. I don't see any negative here unless your goal is to keep your H happy at the expense of yourself and the M.

Let him be upset. That's not your problem. You can't make him do anything.

When my ex would start to gaslight me, I would 100% disengage and ignore him and his anger and or antics.

Honestly if he already agreed to this and he backpedals and starts displaying anger, then you know that he is gaslighting you, You see that, don't you?

Ok that's helpful Susie. I've been reading up on polygraph threads here and know what you're talking about by handing a list of questions beforehand. Do I leave it to the polygraph person to define inappropriate boundaries/relationships with OW or define it myself?

You will discuss the questions with the polygrapher, he will define it and help you.

Just to clarify, the questions you hand your H are NOT the poly questions. They are just designed to get information out of your H. The poly will basically be a follow up to make sure he's come clean with you.

Thanks Susie.

Have you seen this?
Polygraph Testing

Yes, I read through it this week. Thanks, Brain.

Any updates, Kat?