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You need to look. You also need to compare the accounts to the paystubs and possibly the tax returns. You may find another phone account.

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Yes I will read up on how to do that. I've already gotten so much insight here so I know your advice is important, even if just to rule out the possibility.

Last edited by Kat37; 05/13/16 02:32 PM.
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Originally Posted by Prisca
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Yes, he does travel without me, prefers that I not go because he doesn't want to negotiate bedtimes/meals.
This is another huge red flag. He travels to games without you, with other moms he considers friends, and he prefers you to not come along.

Please read these links:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

I see myself in the first link- like RJ, I'm with a H who isn't meeting my needs and would rather walk our dog than spend time w me. I am not at the point where I'm interested in someone else, but I do want my needs to be met. I have brought this to my H attention and he says he will try but without a plan in place, he's likely going to continue his IB.

How do I approach him w this plan without bombarding him with "please stop doing all the things you're spending your free time doing- travel ball and R class"?

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Originally Posted by Kat37
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
Yes, he does travel without me, prefers that I not go because he doesn't want to negotiate bedtimes/meals.
This is another huge red flag. He travels to games without you, with other moms he considers friends, and he prefers you to not come along.

Please read these links:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

I see myself in the first link- like RJ, I'm with a H who isn't meeting my needs and would rather walk our dog than spend time w me. I am not at the point where I'm interested in someone else, but I do want my needs to be met. I have brought this to my H attention and he says he will try but without a plan in place, he's likely going to continue his IB.

How do I approach him w this plan without bombarding him with "please stop doing all the things you're spending your free time doing- travel ball and R class"?

Kat you absolutely have to tell him "I can't put up with this any more." You asked this before, and my wife told you to say: "I am no longer willing to live this way. I am no longer willing to spend nights apart."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Kat37
We share finances and all account are in my name too. He owned our home before we were married and put me on the title to build my own credit (I'd recently graduated college when we married). But I don't check bank statements. He does the bill paying, my choice since I didn't want another chore and he has a quiet office to handle all of that, where I've had little ones underfoot, until recently (they are older now).

Have you looked through his office?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Kat37 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Kat37
Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
Yes, he does travel without me, prefers that I not go because he doesn't want to negotiate bedtimes/meals.
This is another huge red flag. He travels to games without you, with other moms he considers friends, and he prefers you to not come along.

Please read these links:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

I see myself in the first link- like RJ, I'm with a H who isn't meeting my needs and would rather walk our dog than spend time w me. I am not at the point where I'm interested in someone else, but I do want my needs to be met. I have brought this to my H attention and he says he will try but without a plan in place, he's likely going to continue his IB.

How do I approach him w this plan without bombarding him with "please stop doing all the things you're spending your free time doing- travel ball and R class"?

Kat you absolutely have to tell him "I can't put up with this any more." You asked this before, and my wife told you to say: "I am no longer willing to live this way. I am no longer willing to spend nights apart."

Yes, she did and it was helpful but I'll also need to add that "you can't do your R class anymore." And I wanted to make sure that's how this should start, rather than trying to sell him on MB first and do questionnaires. But I see now that your wife is telling me how important this is, to clarify this first.

His office is not in our home. I needed our online banking info last week for something related to my small side biz and he as no prob giving me access instantly. I'll review there again, the first time I was just trying to handle an e-payment. But he's not behaving like there's anything to hide there.

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No, you dont tell him what he can and can't do. You tell him what you can no longer accept - nights apart, opposite-sex friendships, and no time alone.

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Have you ever seen his paystub?

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Kat37 Offline OP
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Apples, yes to all of the above. I will tell him when he gets home on Sunday that I will no longer accept those 3 things. I never did accept them and the links Prisca sent are making me realize why those 3 things have hurt me so much and why they are damaging our M.

He will say no problem but then still go to his R class, and still talk to whomever is around at games, saying he doesn't see any of those women outside of class or have friendships w them (true not outside of class or games). He will say that I'm welcome to come to any tourneys but what about other son and his overlapping games, and logistics of bedtimes/food?

Yes I've seen his pay and just signed off on our tax documents last month.

Last edited by Kat37; 05/13/16 03:39 PM.
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Do I wait for his reaction before moving forward w MB concepts?

And really, thank you all for taking time to help me here. I already feel better knowing that I'm not being unreasonable and there are 3 concrete things that can change so I can feel better.

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rememberSTAY CALM. If the conversation becomes heated or upsetting, take a break.

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Also, you should consider having a PI check in on your husband this weekend. He is very likely in an affair.

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Kat37 Offline OP
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Apples, really? Very likely? With our son and his team? I get that the way we are separated and his lifestyle it is a risk but "very likely" is shocking to me.

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He is cutting you out; this is likely to make room for someone else. And yes, with the traveling group and your son around. How easy would it be for him to send your son off with one of the other kids and meet up with a woman?

Last edited by apples123; 05/13/16 03:59 PM. Reason: autocorrect issues
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You must definitively rule out the most devastating possibility. before you can effectively address minor issues.

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For your sake, I hope he is not. But for a healthy young man of 45 to not want sex all of a sudden. Without anything else you have said, this would be a serious red flag.

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Kat, don't whistle in the dark while Rome burns, okay? Quit trying to decide how likely it is, and just take care of what needs to be done.

I would encourage you to reread your thread and make a todo list.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Kat37 Offline OP
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Agreed, making list. Thanks.

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Like apples said, I truly hope it doesn't turn out to be an affair, but, I can tell you reading your thread is like hearing my husband talk for the last two years.

Like your husband he would give me access to what I thought was everything. I had passwords, access to his phone, I paid our bills, I watched our money. He told me he was "stressed out" and that's why he wasn't interested in sex. Then it was "physical". He always had "nothing to hide"
"Nothing to hide" was a burner phone AND a whole other cell phone plan with the OW, it was giving her money, it was gaslighting, and gaslighting.

One thing I don't often see mentioned, which, if I had pursued at the time would have probably led me to discovery much sooner, is getting a credit report on your H. You can get the basic info for free at credit karma if you know some basic info. My H had an unexplained hard inquire from a phone provider, he told me that he tried to get a phone but was declined, which was a lie. If I had done the leg work then, I would have discovered his hidden phone and the affair years sooner. It might be a very good idea to look in to it in your case if he has been gambling and not tell you. You might want to do it for your credit as well to make sure there hasn't been anything taken in your name you are not aware of.


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WH - 46
D day 3/27/16
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Kat37 Offline OP
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Thanks for sharing your story, FL. That does make me think even more.

I've made a list and will try to stay calm. Do you rec I wait until he returns or text him now that we need to talk tonight on the phone? Otherwise he will just text goodnight w pic of hotel and son and game.

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