The biggest issue I see here is that she does not believe there is a happy future with you. It sounds like she gave you a warning bell 18 months ago when she first asked for a separation but since there was no plan, nothing changed. Therefore, the most critical issue will be to sell her on the prospect of a happy, romantic marriage. If you can get her on board, we can help you through the program.

Here are some ways to get her on board:

1. email Dr Harley at the radio show and ask for his help. He can help you sell her on the program and will even talk to her directly. [this is completely free]

2. YOU sell it to her by bringing her this plan. Tell her the objective is to fall in love again and create a happy, passionate marriage. [that is the difference between MB and other marriage programs, they don't believe in romantic love because they have no idea how to achieve it] Show her the books, Lovebusters, His Needs, Her Needs, and most especially, whip out the UA time worksheet and explain this concept to her..

3. get phone coaching from Dr Jennifer Chalmers or Steve Harley, Dr Harley's children. I believe it is about $200 per session. They are very action oriented and won't waste your time with psychobabble. One of them could possibly sell her on the program and propose to hold you accountable.

NOW, once she agrees you have several different ways to do the program. 1. do it yourself with the books, workbooks and radio app, 2. Marriage Builders online program where they assign you a coach and guide you through weekly lessons [there is a charge and they provide the books and CDs] or 3. phone coaching with one of the Harley kids.


What you said about money was very disrespectful and I am sure she felt frustrated and insulted. All you did was tell her that your view is superior to hers and she is stupid. You lectured a grown woman on what is best as if you have this superior perspective. That is a HUGE lovebuster. Decisions like that should be decided TOGETHER, taking both perspectives into consideration.

I don't blame her one bit for not wanting to be dependent on you if that is how you treat her. Since her perspective is not taken into consideration, she needs to get a job.

check this out: disrepectful judgements

I think you've summed up the issue perfectly. I've been trying to show her that we can recapture the romance but she remains skeptical.

I will e-mail Dr. Harley. I've tried selling the program to her but have not been successful. In the mean time I'm trying to follow the program on my own.


You're very perceptive. This is a big issue for her as she says I have a tendency to be dismissive of other peoples opinions. I never realized it until she pointed out to me. I have a lot of work to do in this area.

Thank you for your insight. I guess I can't worry about her getting a job. I just need to focus on being the best husband I can possibly be and avoiding the love busters.

I am hoping Dr Harley can help you sell her on this program. In the meantime, I would go to her and tell her that you have been thinking about it alot and realize how you are in the habit of dismissing her opinions as if you had a superior perspective. Tell her how sorry you are about your reaction to the garage door discussion. Also tell her that you are aware this is a bad habit and are now focused on ending it.

I am hopeful that Dr Harley can talk her into the program and if so, he can address the night job situation. Send him an email here: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Tell him about your situation and ask him for advice is persuading your wife to do the program. Be sure and include your phone # because he might call you.

I spoke to Dr. Harley today. His advice focused on three points.

1) Do not to try to sell her on the program at this time. I should focus on making as many love bank deposits as I can. Don't worry about pre-scheduling UA time, but instead continue to ask her out frequently.
2) He advises focusing on developing my relationships with the kids and my granddaughter. Which is something I have already been working on.
3) Start tackling items on our home improvement list. Fix the garage door. There are a few other projects that I can focus on as well.

For those that have gone through this before, how do avoid becoming discouraged? Some of the affection I've given her makes her feel awkward and annoyed. How do I strike that balance between giving her affection and not annoying her further?

I heard your call. You did great! Isn't Dr Harley amazing at figuring out the marital dynamic?



1. Focus on good, sustainable Plan A efforts. Know that these changes are going to help you no matter what, married or single.

2. Try to be objective. Put yourself inside of your wife's mind, coming from her personality. Accept that she is led by emotions, and use that to your advantage. Take antidepressants if necessary to keep your own emotions in check.

3. While in Plan A, study Lovebusters and He Wins, She Wins.

4. Listen to the radio show every single day. It will help you understand and apply the concepts.

It is crucial that you are prepared for when your wife pokes her head out of withdrawal and into the state of conflict. The state of intimacy is what you never had, but where you want to arrive. So, you don't want to destroy all of your Plan A efforts by handling conflict the wrong way. Remember that signs of conflict can be good, even if they sting! In those moments, you have a golden opportunity to fill her love bank and give her more hope for a future with you. Dr. H said a sign would be for her to tell you the cold hard truth about her intentions to edge out of the marriage.

So, until then, practice asking questions to understand her perspective about anything, even as a course of meeting her need for conversation. Then practice the art of sharing with her how you see the value of her leanings, and harbor no judgment or criticism. Isn't that in effect, what Dr. Harley just did to create a roadmap for you?

Phx,

I caught your show yesterday as well. I don't have a lot of advice but did want to say I was encouraged by the advice Dr Harley and Joyce provided you. I hope you were too. Use that energy to keep yourself from becoming discouraged.

There's a path to your W's heart. You just have to find it.

As far as striking that balance you have to figure out what needs she'll let you meet. Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Family Commitment.

I really like Joyce's comment that while you've been providing financial support to kids and the grandchild that isn't the same as family commitment. If you expand or highlight the relationships you have as a father, step-father and grandfather your W, I would think, would take notice.

I was curious to hear what steps you were taking to fix the broken relationship you have with one of her sons?

DQ,

Thanks Dr. Harley not only zeroed in on what I've been thinking since this started, but also on what I've been feeling for a many years about my role in the relationship. He also confirmed that I'm on the right track with the things I've been trying to do. I just need to keep doing it, stay positive, be persistent with no further lovebusters, and keep probing for clues into what she's feeling.

MrA,

I am encouraged that I'm doing the right things. Every now and then she'll loosen up and start to share a little before she pulls back. You are correct, I just need to find the right path and choose my steps gingerly.

As far as her son, we have been talking and texting quite a bit lately. He's going through a divorce and ugly custody battle. I serve as a sounding board for him and offer advice only when it's solicited. I've learned not to give unsolicited advice to him or his mother in regards to any of the kids. He's been giving me encouragement, sending me scriptures and date ideas for his mother. He's told me not to give up on his mother.

I've also proposed organizing family day at least once a month, where the kids would come over, we can bbq or order pizza, and either play games or watch movies together. One of the things my wife mentioned is she misses the days when we used to play Clue or Monopoly with the kids on the old Sega system. If she could go back in time, that's where she would want to go.

Sounds like a wonderful time Phx. We're never too old to get together and have some fun as a family.

I'm hoping you guys will tell me this is a positive sign of conflict because right now this seems bad. Very very bad.

Wednesday I asked my wife if she wanted to go to a concert that is coming up on July 4th. Her initial response was she was not sure, which surprised me. About an hour later she opened up and said she wasn't sure because she didn't want to plan that far in advance. Let's just focus on short term and not plan anything too far out. This confirmed in my mind that she does indeed plan on having me out of the house by July 1st.

Last night we were talking about our son, who might be homeless come July 1st. I made the mistake of asking if that was putting pressure on her to have me out by July 1st and that I wanted to make sure we kept our options open. I know what your going to say, big mistake. It was both DJ and SD, and once again I should avoid talking about separation even when she brings it up.

So now she's upset. She say's I'm backing out of our deal when she agreed to wait to July and now I want to keep extending it. She says I didn't care about what she wanted, and that I had to do it my way regardless of what she wanted. She says she had tried to tell my what she thought would work(seperation), but I didn't care because I thought my way was best. She regrets not having seperated last year, she regrets not having seperated last month. It's not fair of me to keep dragging this out. The more she talked, the more agitated she got. At that point I wasn't saying anything, I just let her do the talking.

Like I said before, we never really fought in the past. I've never seen her this agitated and upset with me. She is really mad, and doesn't want to be around me today. We are not going out tonight like we previously planned.

What do I do to ease the tension? Do I just ignore the July deadline like it didn't exist? We have this cruise in mid June and I didn't want that hanging over our head during the cruise.

Everything I do, just seems to make things worse.

I don't understand this deadline? What deadline? And where will she go when she separates?

When we first talked about seperating I initially agreed to move out. After a couple days during which I found MB, I went back to her and told her I didn't want to seperate yet. I asked her to give it some time and wait until July after our cruise in June. In my mind we agreed to re-evaluate in July. In her mind, I agreed to leave in July. I didn't want to wait until July to resolve the difference of interpretation.

She's not planning on going anywhere. She wants me to leave. Although last night while she was talking, she threw in that at this point she's thinking of leaving if I won't leave.

I would go back to her immediately and tell her you won't be leaving. You have no reason to leave. Let her know you will be sad if she goes and can't stop her, but you have changed your mind about leaving. I would let her know this right away. Tell her you are fully committed to fixing your marriage and have no intention of leaving.

She will be angry at first, but it will cause her to rethink her whole strategy.

wow. I was hoping for a gentler approach. Tomorrow's a big family day. It's my daughters graduation party, so having that discussion before the party is something I want to avoid.

On Monday, I leave for a business trip. I will be gone Monday thru Thursday. I know Dr. Harley's position on spending nights apart. I'm not in a position to quit my job and I rarely travel. This is a rare exception.

I can see advantages and disadvantages to having that discussion before I leave on Monday. I understand what your saying, but I'm going to have think about it overnight.

Her whole strategy is to end the marriage, but try to do it good terms by easing me out. I fully believe that if she can't do it on good terms, she still intends to end it one way or another.

The longer you wait, the more resentful she is going to be. The goal is not to be "gentle," but to be honest. After all, you know she is making plans right now and even mentioned this to you today. There will never be a perfect time to tell her, but the sooner you tell her the better.

I strongly encourage you to not give into the temptation to avoid conflict, because it will cause more conflict later. She is going to wonder why you allowed her to go all this time thinking you agreed to moving out.

Just tell her and get this done before more time passes. The sooner you tell her, the faster you can move onto next steps. Get this out of the way. Don't delay, my friend.

She will surely end the marriage if you cooperate with her plan to kill your marriage. Just going along with her plan of demise doesn't demonstrate a very caring approach on your part. Complacence does not demonstrate care.

I know you're right. This will not be easy.

I know!! But the alternative is worse. Waiting makes it worse. It really is better to get it over with. You CAN do this gently and kindly. I know you know what to say, but I would frame it something like this:

Dear, I have done a lot of thinking and have had a change of heart about moving out. I would rather stay here and work on our marriage. I love you and feel like our marriage can be great with some work. I am committed to working on it.

Wife: but you said you would move out!!! Our marriage is over!!

NGUP: I have given it much more thought and feel differently now.

Wife: WELL!! I will just have to move out then!!!

NGUP: I hope it doesn't come to that. I would hate to ever live apart from you. I can't stop you, but just know I love you and would be devastated if you moved out.