What do I do if she actually moves out?

You do your best to woo her back. Take her out on dates, do things with her children and your grandchildren. Make your home inviting and warm.

You have a better chance at NO separation if you just stay put. That is the ultimate goal. But it will be easier to attract her back - if she does move out - if you are in the marital home. On the other hand, if you move out, her life will go on as usual and she won't miss anything.

If you don't make it so easy for her to destroy your marriage, it is less likely to be destroyed. If you stay there, you have a better chance at leading your marriage out of the ditch.

I strongly suspect dates will be off the table if she leaves the home. They are a strong possibility if I leave, but if she leaves, then I think that will be the end of it.

One thing I haven't mentioned. When I met my wife her mother and step-father were married but lived seperately. I think my wife wants this type of arrangement at least in the short term. I've told her I wouldn't be happy with it. This is basically what she has been pushing for so that we can work on the relationship from the outside.

yes. I'm waffling already and getting weak. Bear with me. I will work through this.

I seriously doubt that. Like Dr Harley mentioned, she is being nice and cooperative now in order to get you out. As soon as you are gone, you will be out of her life. You need to stay there if you want to have a chance.. You have no logical reason to leave your home. She will get over her temporary anger, but you will have a much harder time overcoming the separation.


That doesn't make any sense. If she wanted to work on the relationship, she would work on the relationship. If she wants to fix the relationship, she can't do that while separated. She has no intention of seeing you once you are gone.

I think you are getting sidetracked by your anxiety over her potential anger. Your marriage can overcome her temporary anger, it will be extremely hard to overcome a separation.

So you understand, it is CLASSIC behavior of a person in an affair to want to "separate to work on the marriage." It makes no sense. Ask yourself this, If your car is broken down in the garage, do you drive to Dayton, Ohio? Or do you go into the garage and fix the car?

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Why do you want to move out so badly? Surely you can see that it is better for your marriage to stay there.

I don't want to move out at all. There's a part of me that knows separating is the end. Then there's a part of me that is afraid drawing a hard line on seperating will accelerate the end and wants to believe she is being honest about wanting to date after seperated. I know it's ridiculous, but that part of me doesn't want to give up the back up plan of trying it her way if this way fails.

First off, she has no plan to save your marriage. Her plan is to divorce you. That is what you will get if you cooperate. Don't draw any "hard lines" at all. Don't fight with her. Just lovingly and politely explain to her that you have had a change of heart.

From a strategic standpoint, you have a better chance just staying there because the longer you live there, the more opportunity you will have to make her fall in love with you.

If you move out, it is likely over. I assure you she won't be dating you.

If your wife were serious about working on the marriage, she would not ask you to move out. She is throwing you crumbs, "we will date in the future" to get you out. That is all that is happening here.

Is this your show?

Radio Show of NotGivingUpinPhx

Here Men, do not leave your home!

Yes and thanks for the link.

You're welcome.

All of these fears are normal. You can't control her reactions, but you CAN control the message you send to her. No matter what, moving out sends a message of agreement to separate. You should not leave. Moving out also sends your wife the message that you are willing to be married at all costs. Don't go there. Stick with the plan and let your intelligence override your emotions. All you have to say is that you don't feel good about moving out after all. If she gets mad, just tell her that you are sorry to disappoint her and then change the subject to offering her a beverage.

It will help the marriage for you to draw a hard, clear line ands for her to picture a difficult dissolution. Gradually, along with your increased plan A efforts, she will see staying as less work than leaving, then staying is more tolerable than leaving, then staying is more pleasant than leaving, etc.

It does sound ridiculous. Separate to Date? The only time a couple should separate is when a Plan B is being exercised (abuse, ongoing infidelity, etc).

IMHO, all of these things she's saying are to get you out the door so she can move on. She has zero intention of dating you once you are out the door.

I wouldn't wait any longer. If you haven't already you need to let her know you've had a change of heart.

I fully understand how her words make you feel. "I want to do it my way but you ALWAYS insist we do things your way". You just keep telling her the only way things are going to change for the better is if you stay together and work at it. FYI separation doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It creates more separation.

I told her this morning.

She didn't get as angry as I thought she might. But she did get more frustrated as she went on. She kept wanting to pull me into a discussion about how I'm not even giving her an ultimatum, instead I'm just telling her we're doing it my way and she has no say in it regardless of what she wants. She also kept wanting to talk about what happens if she doesn't change her mind in 6 months, 12 months etc. I told her I don't have an answer for her, all I can tell her is my heart is telling me that I can't leave, that I needed to stay and keep working on our marriage and that I wanted to be honest and let her know everything I was thinking and feeling.

She did not threaten to leave, but I could see her starting to think, trying to calculate her options and her next move.
She mentioned several times that I was insisting on doing it my way even if I was shooting myself in the foot. I interpret that as her warning me that there will be no more dates or other interactions if I don't change my mind.

I leave for the airport in an hour. Hopefully she doesn't change the locks while I'm gone.

Where are you going?