I am a 44 year old male married for 17 years (together 20 years) to a 43 year old female. We have 2 boy's (15,13). 4 years ago, I participated in an alcohol treatment program. It was an outpatient program for 90 days (3 hours a session). I learned that I had been self medicating because of abandonment issues with my father, the stress of teaching in an inner city school district, and a controlling/nagging wife. Today, I am 4 years sober and realize the damage I did to my wife and our marriage. The more she complained, nagged, and tried to control me the more I neglected her emotional needs. I beat myself up everyday for neglecting her emotional needs. My wife has emotionally put up walls and refuses to be vulnerable again. I don't blame her either.

We are living in the same house but I feel like roomates. Their is no intimacy, sex, nor emotional needs being met (no hugging, no I love you's). I have read the basic needs articles and attempted to try several strategies with my wife. I folded laundry, set up date night, make dinner when she is tired, compliment her, take my boy's to practice/school. She told me,"Back off and stop trying so hard. I need to work through some things. You are pressuring me. I gave you 4 years to go through treatment/recovery. Also, Where was this when I was trying to save our marriage..."

This Monday, she has set up an individual appointment with a counselor. I see this as a positive step to helping her recover and maybe forgive me. In June, she is seeing her gynecologist for an exam. She maybe going through premenopause. Plus, she struggles with hypothyroidism. I am trying to be patient but I feel like I am on a emotional roller coaster ride. Any advice or comments would be appreciated...

Hi Kyle, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you familiar with the concept of lovebusters? How would your wife rate you in that regard? Have you read the book lovebusters?

Have you addressed and resolved all of your wife's complaints?

Hi MelodyLane,

Thanks for commenting. I do know the concept of lovebusters. I am not sure how she would rate me...No, I have not read the book lovebusters but I will purchase it and read it asap.

Thanks. What are her biggest complaints about you?

She says she doesn't know how to forgive me. Also, she is angry that there was no one to support her when she was trying to hold our marriage/family together years ago. For example, she knows my boy's look up to me now that I have gone through rehab/recovery. My son wrote me a poem to stay positive in life. She said, "No one was there to write me a poem?"

Gotcha. Spouses of alcoholics tend to make lots of sacrifices and people who sacrifice tend to keep score and nurse resentments when the score is not even. But this program can eliminate her resentment if you create a great marraige in the present. The mind does not wander to the tragedy of the past if is happy in the present.

Just like AA, we focus on the making the present and future great through action steps.

Are you doing anything now that triggers her resentment?

And I will warn you about her going to counseling. That is likely to make the problem worse, not better. She will become more angry if she goes to counseling and talks about the past. Counsellors have no earthly idea how to save marriages.

I sort of get where she is coming from. It is galling that you get all the credit when she is the one who put up with the hardship. You get the congrats and the poems and she gets taken for granted. I have been sober 31 years, but my grandmother has been sober for 101 years. And she didn't put her family through hell like I did.

I understand too...I talk to my boy's about how I neglected their mother and used alcohol to deal with my problems. I want them to know that I had alot do with their mom's anger and resentment in the home.

My hope is the counselor talks to her about how to forgive people. She has alot of anger towards her father and how he treated her mom growing up. Also, she holds grudges when dealing with my boy's. My oldest son argues with her when she is nagging/complaining. My other son hides/avoids her. She apologized to the boy's today but is still cold as ice with me.

But getting over her anger about the past will not happen unless that anger is replaced by something better. A better way to resolve her anger is not to do a pretend "forgiveness" but to create a happy lifestyle in the present. Saying "IforgiveIforgiveIforgive" will not cause her to get over her anger about her marriage. BUT, making amends to her by creating a great marriage WILL.


Hopefully, she doesnt' go there, because bringing the past into the present is a fruitless endeavor. If she goes to counseling and talks about her childhood, she will be MORE angry, not less. It is a waste of time and a distraction from making the present great. The only thing that benefits is the "counselors" pocketbook.


If your son is arguing with his mother, hopefully you are putting the boy straight. That is absolutely disrespectful and should not be tolerated.

It is also disrespectful to diminish her complaints as "nagging." Accusing her of "nagging" only makes the problems worse. When my husband has a complaint, I don't disrespect him by calling him a "nag;" I correct his complaint.

Complaints are an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage.

Here Beware of Bad Counselors

Also read this Resentment Type A and Type B

Forgiveness is something that the injured party gives if so inclined, once just compensation has been made, and the problems of the past don't exist in the present. Resentment from the past is an involuntary feeling that won't go away until the happiness of the present overshadows the pain of the past. You are on the right track, but not there yet. However, you are in the best place to move healing along.

From her perspective, you started a huge alcoholic fire that scorched and scarred her. She probably feels like nobody realized that she was fighting the fire for years. All they saw was this frantic woman. Then you came along, put out the fire by quitting, and became a hero. She is the unsung hero.

The fact that she still feels resentment means that she has a high need for admiration, and that you have more to do in making the present happy for her. Have you written her a letter thanking her for what she did by carrying the family and fighting for your marriage? For hanging in despite all of the chaos and fallout? Most likely, you were not even able to notice it. If you can take some time to thank her for specific actions, the written admiration will go far with her. At one point, my husband did this for me, both privately and publicly. It calmed my fears and comforted me.

Every point made my Mel here is so true.

When my boys argue with me, I feel horrible. When they argue with my husband, he hardly notices. But that doesn't make it any less real for me. What you call your wife holding "a grudge" is really your wife experiencing a terrible, persistent anxiety and pain, due to your boys' inappropriate behavior. Debating and arguing is very unsettling. Your wife cannot feel happy in this environment, with you looking the other way and avoiding the hassle of thoughtful discipline. Until you solve this problem, your wife will not recover from the resentment of the past. Discipline issues have occurred, because bad habits were established when you were checked out. (At least I imagine that she believes this.)

If your boys followed your wife's rules, and were respectful, helpful and obedient, then they wouldn't see an upset, frustrated mom. The best thing your boys can learn about women is that when they are complaining, there is something very upsetting for them, that you are missing. Figure it out and resolve it, and they will be happy. Blame them for being sensitive, and they will be miserable. It hurts to have your husband watch as the kids debate and ignore you. You gotta protect her from this, even if you think that she is strong enough to hold her own. She might not pass out, but she is getting hurt.

Now, some of this may seem harsh or unfitting. But you wanted advice for how to help your wife heal from the past. I have experienced a similar dynamic to your wife, and I can say that the resentment from the past is gone, because my husband learned to listen when something was hurting me.

Your wife's counselor can never solve your wife's problem, which is to make YOU change. So seeing the counselor will not solve this problem. Most likely, she will recommend that your wife do whatever would make her personally happy. The best thing for you to do is to change these and all other key complaints, which WILL make your wife personally happy. Work with your wife to come up with a plan of action for what to do when the boys argue with her. Make sure it's a plan that protects her from their bad behavior, but that works for you also.

When can you approach her to discuss this plan?

I do correct my son. However, my wife will get into a shouting match with my son. I have to stop my wife and son. My wife is modeling this behavior to my boy's. We have discussed the issue, however she continues to scream and shout at them.

The nagging/complaining is a symptom of her anger and control issues. It is almost like a drug or high for her. When she feels like she is losing control she will complain and repeat things over and over again. We have discussed this issue too.

Lastly, we have communicated starting our marriage over with a new chapter. I think she needs to learn coping skills when she experiences a trigger.

I will pray for a miracle and continue to try depositing into her emotional bank.

I think you misunderstood me. I don't check out with my boy's. I am a middle school teacher and discipline is my strength. I talk to the boy's and correct them. I have always supported my wife with discipline and expect the highest expectations for my boy's.

Also, the resentment from the past is an issue to communicates to me. A trigger will put her right back into the anger cycle.

Thank you! That was incredible insight and I will try your advice.

There is a lot mixed up here, some good and some bad. Complaining is a GOOD THING. A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. Complaints should be addressed and resolved quickly in marriage so they don't build up and cause resentment.

The term "Nagging" is a disrespectful judgement.

Psychoanalyzing her is very disrespectful: "anger and control is like a drug to her."

Anger is obviously an issue that has to be addressed and resolved.

Can you give me a specific example of what you consider "control?"


Would she come here and post to us? if so, we can guide you both through this program, starting with the book Lovebusters. I think lovebustres are the most critical issue in your marriage. Once you resolve those, you can start falling in love again.

Awesome!