Friday night, the kids and I went to Target to return some things and look at digital cameras for daddy's birthday coming up. After shopping, we swung by his office and saw his jeep in the parking lot. No lights were on in the building. Panic set in. I went to a nearby gas station and called his cell. He answered and said he was McD's and would be home in 1/2 hour. I asked him how he could be at McD's when his jeep was at work. HE WAS CAUGHT and he was with HER. AND McD's happened to be right next door to the gas station I was at. My dilemma, do I pull in there and let my kids see the woman who is destroying their little lives. Could have. Didn't. Got back on the highway to go home (actually got on going the wrong way and took forever to get off and turn around). He actually beat me home.<P>Had big yelling and screaming fight all night. The next day, my boys would not even look at their father. That burned him right into his soul. I left for Illinois (two whole states away), with the kids, not intending to come home ever again. By the way, I tore up 2 pictures of us, including a wedding picture, and my very first love letter from him that I have kept in my top drawer for 20 years. I was so utterly serious about filiing for something in Illinois. H was devastated I hadn't come home by Monday morning and called. While in Illinois, I looked at little homes in the area, talked to a lawyer who was a friend of my sister's. He actually talked me out of filing. Said to call H and make absolutely sure that was what I wanted, which I did. He began to realize that I was now making my own decisions and they were no longer based on his.<P>We talked in the evening and it was a GREAT conversation! He said he had stopped the affair. Told the OW his family was too important to him and wanted to work out his marriage! It was good and we talked about a lot of positive things. Came home today, Tuesday. I still have the nagging feeling that I can't trust him even tho everything we talked about was genuine and so good. I almost expected to be SERVED with papers when I drove up into the driveway, but that didn't happen.<P>Any comments? I'm sorry, but Plan A did NOT work for me. It made him feel like he could do what he was doing for an unlimited time and have everything he wanted. Not only that, while I was doing Plan A - he accused me of trying to brainwash him for the last few weeks. Great. Actually, that sounds more like the OW's comments than his. I actually had to show him my backbone before he took notice and paniced himself. The only thing tho was that I was serious. I only wanted the torture to end and was willing to live with my actions. It was no threat.<P>Well, I'm home now and we'll see what happens when he gets home later. We'll see if in fact he told OW goodbye, she LETS him alone now. After all, she works with him.<P>I have new hope tho, hope it holds out.

Hurt Bad:<P>I've got a couple comments.<P>First: you have no idea if plan A helped or not. If you hadn't been in plan A before the blow-up, he might not have even cared. Often times the benefit of Plan A is not immediate---although there are cases where the unfaithful spouse ends the affair on their own accord, there are plenty of occasions where they don't.<P>Second: you've forced him to make a choice. This may be OK, but the first time I threatened my wife with Plan B (a separation), she quit the relationship with the OM. For about 3 weeks. It's better when they actually decide for themselves that the marriage is what they want to work on. You do need to keep an eye on things, but if you discover the affair has started again, be "measured" in your response (like separation, but with no divorce threats).<P>See if the two of you can get into marriage counseling immediately. It'll help in the long run. And I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

I'm glad to hear some good news. Keep up the good work and I'm pulling for the two of you.<P>Lori

Thanks K-<P>I was not threatening him. I didn't go with the idea of forcing him. I couldn't stand the every day torture anymore and wanted to be where my friends and family were, and where I had help to continue my life somehow. I went from a size 12 (I'm a tall girl 5'10") to a size 8 in a month. I could not get my insides to stop shaking. The day I left was the first day I actually felt like having breakfast again!<P>I will keep up my guard. I really don't trust him at all. One thing he did tho that was kinda sweet. I had made little heart coupons for him good for one thing or another, and put them in his wallet and jeep. When I got home, one was taped to the garage door - the one that was good for unlimited forgiveness and didn't expire. I don't know if it means anything. We'll see. All I know is his kids at least mean the world to him, and I don't think he can stand the thought of not being in their every day lives. He also had a horrified look on his face when I asked him how he would feel one day when/if I remarried and another man was living with and raising his boys. In his fantasy life of the affair, there were a lot of things he hadn't considered that were made real this weekend.<P>I also have SO many people praying for us and I really believe that is my biggest asset. <P><BR>-- Kathy

Kathy, my H was horrified the first time I mentioned another man...he got over it and went back to her yet another time. Do keep your guard up, but in a soft way.<P>It may seem like yelling and screaming and leaving got the job done (whether that was your intent or not that seems to be your analysis). But all that does is leave scars. Been there, done it, have the scars and my H can't get over some of the hateful things said...and done.<P>Backbone is great, malice is not. If you want to go this route, read Dobson's "LOVE MUST BE TOUGH" for some pointers.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>