I have a conference beginning this evening and returning home Thursday evening. I know, Dr. Harleys position on this but I can't avoid it right now.

You did just great!!! And actually, you are not doing it your way, you have just made a decision not to move out of your own home. And if she wants to date you and work on the marriage, nothing will stop her. WE will see what she does!

Why is that?

I'm at the airport and will be home in a few hours. We haven't talked since I left, but I've been texting or emailing her four times a day. I have been apprehensive all week about how she would respond when I got home. Today I sent her a text asking if she wanted to go to dinner and a movie tomorrow. She must have thought I meant tonight because she responded with "maybe just dinner depending on what time you get home". I responded with "I'd love to take you to dinner tonight".

This is all to say that I'm encouraged and excited. I was worried that she would shut me out when I got home. Thank you all for your guidance, encouragement, and for pushing me forward when I needed it. I've still got a long way to go but I want everyone to know how much I appreciate your efforts to help me.

You are very welcome!! Keep us posted. You are not out of the woods yet..

So exciting!!

Look good, smell good, listen well, smile often!

(And next time you have to leave town, buy 2 tickets and take her with you, okay?)

Two weeks ago I offered to take her with me but she was not interested.

I realize I'm no where close to out of the woods. More like still wandering around lost in the woods. But I'll take the small victories and keep trying to take small steps forward. It's not all roses, but the fact she didn't freeze me out is encouraging.

Last night went ok. She agreed to go, but made sure we kept it short by having to bring dinner back for our daughter. She was cordial, but not very conversant. I asked a lot of questions about her week and the kids, which were usually met by shrugs and short 1 to 3 word responses. She agreed to dinner and a movie tonight.

During dinner last night she said we need to talk about what I said before I left. She wants to revisit the discussion of me moving out. I wanted to keep date night positive, so I asked if we can defer that conversation until today and she agreed. So sometime today, she�s going to want to talk and I�m going to have to go through the conversation all over again. I�ll probably have to have this conversation on multiple occasions over the coming weeks.

It�s still possible she will go into shutdown mode if I don�t give in. Any advice on how to continue holding my ground without drawing a hardline?

But it is a hardline. You do not want to move out. You want to stay in the home and make the marriage a great one.

Soft-shoeing this isn't going to work. If she insists on splitting up then she'll have to do the hard work involved with that. Don't try to make it easier on her. You'll just be aiding her in her wish to end the R.

Draw the hard lines by meeting her needs as best as is possible.

Her: I would like you to move out.
You: I am not enthusiastic about that idea. I want to stay together and make this marriage a great marriage.
Her: You're being stubborn and always need to have it your way!
You: I love you. I want to stay together and make this marriage a great marriage.
Her: Maybe but I don't love you and I want out.
You: I promise you I will do what it takes to make you happy and have you fall in love with me. I just need the chance but we have to stay together to make that happen.

Then invite her to do something fun as you were prescribed.

What I meant here by hard clear lines was that you should be clear about your intentions to stay. Don't engage the idea of moving out any more. Just say that you don't feel good about that. Naturally, she will start to realize on her own that her plan to leave will not be simple and she might give second thoughts to that plan.

Thanks. I'm going to mentally rehearse to make sure I can practice making my position clear without sounding like I don't care. I agree that I can't leave any wriggle room.

You CAN sound like you care. Just be loving and let her know that you would miss her too much and that your marriage is the most important thing to you and you don't feel good about moving out. Repeat as needed.

She says: Well then I'll move out.
You: That is your choice. But I must tell you that I would be devastated. I love you and my plan is to create a marriage with you where you never want to leave.

That is interesting that you say that because agreeing to move out indicates you don't care. Staying in your own home reflects a caring attitude. Just keep in mind that you have no reason to leave. It is your home. Why would you leave? If you up and decided you wanted to separate would she leave? OF COURSE NOT!

So we had a talk this afternoon. She�s not happy. She�s very dejected, and obviously frustrated. I tried to be cheerful throughout the talk but the overall tone was solemn. It's difficult for me not to get emotional during these discussions. I tried to express how much I care and love her and how that was the reason I have to stay to work on the marriage. She tried several times to ask about what if her feelings don�t change, I just kept repeating that I love her and intend to stay to work our marriage.
Here are several points she raised. (note all the questions below are not from my point of view, they are the questions she asked me).


1) Why did I feel the need to raise the issue before I left instead of waiting to see how things went first? I�m trying to rush things too much.

2) She feels overwhelmed by the attention and affection. The multiple texts a day, the compliments, the number of times I say her I love her. It�s too much. It�s smothering. I was never like that, she was never like that. If that�s what I want, what makes me think she will ever be like that? She appreciates the effort to change, but I�m missing the mark and her feelings have not changed. Affection and spending time together are not going to magically make her love me again. It's there 24 hours a day and there's no way for her to escape from it.

3) Stop reading books. I won�t find her in a book. It�s not the first time she�s made that comment to me. If I�m getting my advice/ideas from the books it�s not working.

4) Have I ever considered that if I don�t move out that eventually she will? Yeah she loves the house, but at some point maybe she will leave if I�m not willing. I responded with the advice given here. I don�t want her to leave, I hope it doesn�t come to that. I can�t control or stop her if that�s what she feels she needs to do. I would be devastated if she left. I plan to stay to work on our marriage so that hopefully she never wants to leave.

5) Even if her feelings were to change, there are too many issues. What makes me think she is going to be willing to change after so many years of independent behavior. The same issues are going to be there, what makes me think she�s going to want to work on the issues now? She�s too set in her ways. She wanted me to identify the issues that I felt we would need to work through. I deflected by asking her what she felt we needed to work on. I realize at the current time she�s not interested in meeting any of my needs and would only use them as an excuse of why this would never work.

6) I don�t care. I�m not listening. I�m hyper-focused on not moving out, and that�s all I care about. I don�t care about her. Nothing matters anymore. I asked what she meant by nothing matters, she just said none of it matters anymore because all I care about is NOT moving out. I don�t care about her or her feelings or what she's telling me will/won't work.

You want to avoid getting into debates with her. You don't need to address or counter every point she makes. I realize you didn't do that, but want to make sure you realize it is not necessary.

Your affectionate overtures are making her uneasy and uncomfortable because she WANTS to be checked out. You need to KEEP doing this. A lack of affection is PART of what has led to this, and you must turn that around. Even though she rejects you now, you need to paint a picture of what the future will bring if she will work on the marriage.

You did GREAT by telling her you won't move out.

My wife continues to express her frustration at my decision not to leave the house. She's mentioned on two occasions that at some point something is going to have to give. She's even mentioned at this point she's even thinking about just selling the house. This tells me she's thinking further down the line and may be starting to plan for divorce or legal separation.

From a MB perspective, what do I do if she requests legal separation or divorce and wants to sell the house? I know I need to protect myself from a legal perspective.

Just tell her you are not interested in getting divorced or separated. If she does actually file, then you would hire an attorney to defend you.

Your best shot is to stay there and do your best to soften her up. You have all the time in the world! If she truly wants to separate, she can move out herself. But you should not move out.

In short, don't move out unless and until you are provided with a LEGAL court order. A wife cannot just kick her husband out. That is your home too! And since she is the one who wants the separation, she should be the one to move out. Let her do all the work.