Looking for objective opinion from the experts that provide advice on this forum. Here's the gist of the issue. I am twice divorced. Second husband was a serial cheater. He was emotionally abusive. I was not perfect and did not deal well with his two children. We divorced after 10 years, but due to my own issues I maintained contact; could never shut the door. He remarried after we were divorced for 5 years. He was somewhat secretive about dating her and then I found out about the engagement through my family. That marriage (#4) ended after 3 years. The day of his marriage he was emailing and texting me that if I would give him one glimmer of hope that we could reconcile, he would call the wedding off. Of course I said nothing and he married. All during his marriage he continued to contact me via email and text but I never responded to any of it (yes I should have blocked - I have my own issues). He divorced and is now trying again to get me to reconcile with him. We do talk, go to dinner, etc. but nothing further. He tells me he loves me constantly and is constantly pushing me to involve him with my family. They don't want me with him. He is in poor physical health; multiple back surgeries and in a lot of pain. He has made poor financial choices; I am financially secure and have good retirement plans in place. I am in good health and young hearted and want to travel, etc. Not sure what he will be able to do long term.
Even reading this I can just imagine what you all will say, but I do want some unbiased advice for how to shut the door on this as I believe that is what I need to do. I believe I am just opening myself up to a lot of pain and heartache, but want feedback. I have not dated anyone since our divorce. Wanted to but was never asked out. I am in good shape and not bad looking; not beautiful but reasonably attractive. Not sure why I was never asked out, but wasn't.
So, bring out the 4x4s. Need to see this from an objective viewpoint of the issues.

You were given hours and hours of unbiased advice for how to shut the door on this, in your last thread, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2702430&page=1

You just need to follow that advice.

Can people change to the extent that relationships such as mine can be repaired and put back together?

Sure people can change, lots of people on here have done just that. But what has your serial cheating abusive wayward ex husband done to indicate that he is a changed man? To me, it sounds like he has done nothing.

You were advised to go into Plan B years ago, why did you not follow that advice and start a new life for yourself? You talked about wasting years of your life for nothing, yet it seems you have continued to do just that.

There are changes. He is much kinder and more patient than before. He was very sick last year and, according to him, almost died. Now, he is very tender-hearted. Easy to hurt his feelings. He makes me feel like the biggest B in the world because he says he loves me, but I am not in love with him. As of Sunday, he has walked away again because he says he can't keep waiting on me to decide if I can love him again and he is going to find someone to love. This has been a common theme throughout the time I've known him. There's always been statements made about the fact that there are women that want to go out with him or that he wants to move away so that he doesn't run the chance of running into me if we aren't together.
I know this all sounds crazy and I know that I've been given good guidance here. I just don't know why I keep hanging on. As I said in first post, I've never been asked out. Is that because I am supposed to be with him or have I so closed myself off from others that there's a wall that people can't see past? I don't know. I do know that I want love as well and he is offering that, but I'm having a hard time taking it at face value. A lot of the reason is because of our past.

Because you keep hanging on. That is a bad decision that you have made. You should move on with your life. He has shown you in a million ways that he is not marriage material.

I think I hang on b/c he was my one true love. Yeah, sad I know. I think I hang on b/c there is no one else. Yeah, sad I know. For the three years he was married I was never asked out. I've discovered that left to my own devices, I am a loner. I thought about online dating, but could never bring myself to actually do it. I am a young 57 year old with lots of things I want to do, but with no one to do them with. It's nice to have SOMEONE. Yeah, sad I know.

No, you hang on because you hang on. It is not a mystery. You have hung onto a dead, bloated body for years and years. If you make a decision to "hang on" to something, you will "hang on."


The reason no one has asked you out is because you are not making yourself available. Again, not a mystery, but a foregone conclusion because of your inaction.

I think the main reason you are so STUCK in limbo is because you are making life decisions based on emotions rather than logic. Logically, you know there is nothing here but you hang on over silly notions like "my true love." What does that even mean? I would suggest that your emotions have led you into a ditch and there you have remained for years and years.

Your logic can help you out of this. Logically, you know this relationship is a dead end. Logically, you know you can't meet other candidates unless you put yourself out there. Logically, you could have probably met and married a loving man with better character traits if you had changed your focus.

When your emotions are telling you to do crazy things, the solution is allow your reason and logic to rescue you.

Yes, he sounds very kind and patient.

He was a serial cheat when married to you. He then made you the OW (probably one of) with his wife following you. Now divorced again but guess who is still there...you, only he is threatening to go 'find someone else.' Sister, LET HIM GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. Yes, I'm yelling at you. Because life is way too short to waste this much time.

Yeah, my exH said he developed rheumatoid arthritis because of the deep remorse he experienced about something he did. Yet that didn't help him treat me any better - it made it much worse. He used it as a club about how he couldn't get stressed out so much (i.e. had to have his way more). Sounds like your exH has a good start on this. Welcome to your life with him. You will be wrapping yourself in pretzels to not feel like a B.

Can I ask, why does he want a relationship with the biggest B in the world? Is it because he can control you with these tactics and he knows it?

(Also, BTW, a very tender hearted person does not project a B label on the object of his love.)


Again, welcome to your future. Isn't this fun? My ex-H threatened the foundation of our relationship in a similar manner for our 25 years of marriage with increasing frequency. It was his club to keep me in line and not challenge his selfishness or anger. Just in case you're confused, it's not YOU he's protecting with these threats!


In my circles I would probably encounter a man who was in the range of my age and available about once every 10 years. So, I signed up for ChristianMingle - which is TOTALLY out of my very conservative, traditional character.

Within two weeks a number of local men who seemed very nice had reached out to me, one of which was the perfect match for me. I never experienced anything like the maturity, stability, Christ-like thoughtfulness...and on and on, in a committed relationship. !!!WOW!!!

Why don't you just try this before making a decision to keep hanging on to your very skewed perception/dreams about your ex-H?



He is not offering love, my friend. He is offering to place you back under his control. He is asking if he can use you once again.

I'd recommend stepping out of your loner comfort zone, sign up for a dating site and give it a couple of months. It was WAY worth finding the nerve to do it.

I don't think you should waste your time pschyoanalyzing your ex H's behavior. Some people are just not marriage material. Obviously your ex H is one of these people. End of story.

If you were to talk to Dr Harley I believe he would tell you that you need to stop thinking about your life in terms of only being worthy or happy if you have a man. I've heard him say women who think like this are the ones who put up with men who treat them poorly and can't let go.

I think you need to recognize and acknowledge that as long as you have contact with your ex you are going to keep getting sucked in. Just cut him off already and be done with it.

Please don't post anymore about him and any drama involving him. That's just feeding into the problem.

I would highly recommend online dating, just be safe about it and have reasonable expectations. If you decide to do it, there are lots of us here who can give you more advice about it.

What do you do in terms of self-care and hobbies and for fun?

**edit**

Dr. Harley's practice is based on observing outcomes that become predictable, and structuring strategies around that. Her ex displays similar SDs and DJs as mine did.

The outcome of resuming this relationship is predictable. I experienced the outcome of the exact behaviors her ex is displaying after far too many apologies/chances/years. Just like all of the MBers predicted I would. I wanted to reinforce that for her.

I did not state anything about being only worthy or happy if I had a man (that was not a very nice fabrication), but responded to her disappointment that no one had approached her to date and also to this comment she made:

"I do know that I want love as well and he is offering that."

**edit**

life2short,

Just want to point out: I have done the online program, have been on the radio show numerous times, including regarding post divorce issues.

I can almost guarantee you that Dr Harley would not advise you to obsess one second longer about your ex H.

He's not the problem any longer.

Looking for some suggestions from mid 50s aged women for trying to find someone to date. I'm a bit of a loner, probably due in part to the way relationship with ex husband went.
I go to a local gym 3-4 times per week, but don't usually run into many guys - go early AM due to work hours.
I go to church, but don't have any friends there so don't stick around after service.
I work at a large company, but seems everyone my age is married.
I know that's not true, but just seems that I am at a point where all my friends are married and everyone has a life - but me.
Suggestions for places that all medium sized towns have that would be a good meeting place for quality guys? I don't drink so that's gonna eliminate a lot of guys, I think.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Don't know about the online dating thing.

Try changing the hours you go.

Start sticking around after services and make friends. Check and see if they have a singles ministry. Volunteer for a ministry in which other people your age are also working. Check other churches in your area and nearby towns.