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Was IW on the radio, DQ?


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Yep.

kerala #2882018 05/17/16 04:01 PM
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Yes. smile

What an awesome radio show. Joyce even cracked a funny joke. Lol.
Would be nice to add the link to the thread on porn. Hint hint Brainy. smile

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Originally Posted by DidntQuit
Yes. smile

What an awesome radio show. Joyce even cracked a funny joke. Lol.
Would be nice to add the link to the thread on porn. Hint hint Brainy. smile
On my list. Thanks for the heads up.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by DidntQuit
Don't you just love how diplomatic and nonthreatening Dr. Harley can be IS?

I worded that as if it was an exception when it isn't.

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Wow you all recognized that it was me right away?!!!! Yes I had a very good conversation with both Joyce and Dr. Harley before the program and I was so glad for the clarification from "the horse's mouth" (said with great respect)! It is at times hard to know for sure how exactly a concept is to be applied, and while I am pretty confident in my interpretations of things I read, I was beginning to think I was losing it. I am grateful for the input from all of you and the Harley's. We'll see how things develop now.

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Of course we recognized you by your situation. I have empathy for your situation and seriously hope that you and your husband can get going in the right direction.

Often we interpret things the way we want to see them because we are blinded to alternative solutions which would make us happy. That is the case with your husband. He believes that his happiness can only be achieved if you lose 15 or 25 lbs. And he is so focused on that solution that he is making himself and you miserable.


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Bravo Indianaswife!! hurray What did you think about the advice you got? Did your husband listen to the show?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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IW, I can totally relate with your issues with weight loss. There is so much misinformation out there about weight loss. I started an intermittent fasting program last May and have lost 16 pounds and have completely reversed my Type 2 diabetes. I do fasting and eat low carb on eating days. Here is the program that has worked for me: https://intensivedietarymanagement.com/fix-broken-metabolism/


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Can someone post a link here so I can access the program I was on at any time? I will record it to my phone. My husband is listenening to the program right now.

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The show hasn't posted yet in archives so for now you can listen to it on rebroadcast. I thought it was interesting that Dr Harley identified that there is something behind his unreasonable expectations of your physical appearance. He rightly concluded that your husband is comparing you to someone else and that is a big part of the problem.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My husband says he is only comparing me to myself when we married. Which I think is just as bad, because I am not the same person I was when we married

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According to his previous posts, he is comparing you at least to the women he saw at the beach.

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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
My husband says he is only comparing me to myself when we married. Which I think is just as bad, because I am not the same person I was when we married

No, he also talked about wanting to be around other women in bikinis so that he can be aroused. That kind of comparison is going on there even if he doesn't realize it. The only way he can stop it is by stopping certain behaviors like Dr. Harley mentioned in the show.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
Wow you all recognized that it was me right away?!!!! Yes I had a very good conversation with both Joyce and Dr. Harley before the program and I was so glad for the clarification from "the horse's mouth" (said with great respect)! It is at times hard to know for sure how exactly a concept is to be applied, and while I am pretty confident in my interpretations of things I read, I was beginning to think I was losing it. I am grateful for the input from all of you and the Harley's. We'll see how things develop now.

I am so glad that you went straight to Dr. Harley! I'm curious: was your husband asked if he wanted to participate in the show?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2882051 05/18/16 12:17 PM
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For what it's worth I think your show was a particularly great one that we will want to hang onto for years to reference for people in similar situations. We have seen a number of "my husband says the problem in our marriage is my appearance" situations on this board.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
My husband says he is only comparing me to myself when we married. Which I think is just as bad, because I am not the same person I was when we married

NOT TRUE! He compares you to the women on the beach and the women in the porn movies he watched. He openly said he liked to get "aroused" by the women on the beach.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Indianaswife
My husband says he is only comparing me to myself when we married. Which I think is just as bad, because I am not the same person I was when we married

That is why I called your husband a "comparer"on his thread. My intent was not to be disrespectful, but to point out a disrespectful and self-destructive habit. It actually robs your husband of the positive emotional reactions he COULD have if he put all of his eggs in your basket and thought of you as his one and only forever. There is no good point in devaluing his prized wife, by pitting your qualities against various and sundry non-realities.

Let's just say that his only comparison was to you at your wedding day weight (which it's not). It is not helping himself or you for him to be lamenting that emotional loss, aka your weight gain. By focusing on that exclusively, as a reason for his unhappiness, he is going to continue to be miserable.

I can tell you from personal experience that depressed people tend to look for reasons for their unhappiness and notice how their lot in life is worse than others' or worse than it used to be. It's like crying over spilt milk. They want to go back to the "good ole days" or fantasize or escape instead of finding the good ole days in the present and improving on it. Yes, negatives they point out are REAL. Unfortunately, his wife gained weight. That is a REAL disappointment for him. But fortunately for him, his wife would like to lose weight. And if he stops comparing, this will help significantly with his own problem of disappointment and inner conflict. It will help him appreciate the efforts you ARE making to meet this need. How can he be turned on by someone he is judging harshly and comparing unfavorably to others or even her own more favorable state? He can't. And he needs to start solving that problem from other angles as well. (ETA ref to sexual trouble)

In addition to eliminating the contrast effect by controlling his environment and fantasizing, he needs to be exploring every idea that Dr. H brought up. I roughly summarized them for you a few posts ago.

One concern is that depressed people usually don't want meds because it is complicated, and they can't reason through things with a hopeful attitude. What I can say is that each and every step is important to work on. What makes the most difference in my husband's depression is the hormonal therapy, along with meds. A chemical problem cannot be solved by having your wife perfect her appearance to give you a temporary drug-like rush to compensate for depression or to compete with a comparison of any type.

You are a level-headed woman. I imagine that you have considered many of these things. Don't let this destroy you. You are beautiful and lovable. And you have 7 kids to prove it.

On a different note, you might consider contact lenses or Lasik so that hubby can focus on your pretty eyes.

flirt




Last edited by DidntQuit; 05/18/16 02:15 PM. Reason: clarity
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IW, what did your husband think of your conversation with Dr Harley? Is he going to call him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He emailed last night.

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