As far as being controlling, you need to rethink this ideology.

Setting the bar high means to create boundaries of what YOU will accept in a marriage, it does not equate to trying to control your H. In the past maybe that was...don't beat me, don't cheat on me, provide for our family.... whatever the boundaries were, you can see they were not enough and have led you to unhappiness. Now you are setting the bar higher, requiring things that will sustain romantic love and make you both happy. You are simply telling him that these are the things that you need to stay married to him. Control is making someone do something. You are not making him do anything, you are simply telling him your boundaries and what you require to stay married, he can choose to participate or not.

This makes a lot of sense. Dr H said off air that he suspects my H identifies w our 12yr old. That's why he's so willing to accommodate him. We are not doing our son any favors by demonstrating that a M puts a 12 yr old above the M.

I need to figure out how to separate as a stay at home mom. And how to plan legally. What about advice here for men to not leave their homes? My H will not willingly go. He sees separation as throwing in towel. He will not understand that if it came to that, it would be to give him chance to have stronger M w me.

If you separate, you don't need to worry about what your husband thinks about it.

If you were to separate, do you think you would need to work in order to support yourself?

How many and how old are your kids again?

This is what I don't know. My kids are 12 and 9. They will be home all summer and one does an independent program and is home 3 days per week. The other does after school therapy and gets out at 2:00.

You would need to check the laws in your state, but some states have legal separations that would provide for custody arrangements, child and spousal support, and the division of property.

He's doing everything I've asked and seems enthusiastic about it. He seems really happy about it.

I'm having a hard time not bringing up past hurts and talking about how much it upset me that he was not inviting me to yoga class or making me feel welcome but he was happy to talk and meet other women there.

I know it's important that I don't. I think how I addressed the issue with him has a lot to do with his reaction. I couldn't have done it this way without everyone here and the nudge to call Dr. H.

Not bringing up the past is important. Distract yourself if you need to. As time goes on and the marriage improves, it becomes less difficult.

So things have been great until this morning and I need some input on how I could have handled this better.

Over coffee, H says to older son that they need to get in an activity that he does with our boys. I can come too, but usually don't (I don't enjoy this activity).

After son left, I brought up the activity and said instead, I'd like us to do a family activity. H said we can add that in the plans too, but he didn't do anything wrong by planning this activity with our boys. I could tell he was getting very defensive. I wasn't trying to make him feel defensive. I explained that we haven't done a family activity in over a month since travel sport and practice has taken up all free time. H argued that we do plenty of family activity, that I'm focusing on negatives, that I'm welcome to join them but I don't like to go.

When I said we could negotiate and come up with a family activity to do together that I actually enjoy too, he got up and left the room, saying that I'm making everything difficult.

I did not get angry. He things I'm unreasonable and he can't make me happy. I told him I want to be the priority, that I want him to make plans to include me.

Not sure how I could have handled this better. Please help.

Kat, you need to tell him that ALL the kids activities, and what he considers to be family activities, are wiped off the week's chart and that you start with a blank slate.

On that chart, your UA time with your husband is the priority. Schedule 4 dates of 3-4 hours each, or 3 dates of 4-5 hours each. Do not allow fewer than 3 separate dates.

Schedule kids activities and family activities once your UA time has been completed.

If there is enough flexibility, then of course you can schedule your UA time for times when you know the kids do not have classes - but only do this if it is easy. In fact, as an alternative, you might find that when they are doing stuff, this is a good time for you to get free babysitting and go out also. (I forget how old they are.) However, the principle is that your UA time comes first. Do not allow the kids and family activities to come first.

If your husband won't agree to that, you are back to where you were when you came here, and you know what you need to do when yo get back to that position.

What your H is demanding is not good enough. Don't put up with it.

He should have handled it better, not you.

Raise your standards, kat.

Thank you for both posts helping me this morning, Sugar Cane. Your perspective helps keep me on track, knowing that I'm not being unreasonable.

I need to let him know that all family/kids activities are off the table until we have scheduled 15 hours a week of UA time. If that requirement is met, he can take the boys to do an activity with him that I do not enjoy?

This explaining and arguing your point will just keep the argument going. Try to repeat your original feelings instead. Example: I still don't feel good about that idea and would love it if you could respect that. Repeat if he continues to argue.


He is gaslighting you every time he says, " but you don't like that activity."

Obviously what Sugarcane posted is the solution. If you guys can get planning then he will learn to prioritze you, then the kids next, all activities mutually agreed upon.

Thinking ahead can be difficult for some people. But if he can do that then maybe you can both set aside one night a week for him to do that with your son. The goal is win-win.

Is there a time this weekend when you would be enthusiastic about him doing that activity with your son? If so, maybe offer that alternative.

My husband used to have an aversion to planning. It was very taxing on him. One thing that helped was to use the UA sheet. We also used actual planners instead of phones. We had one planning meeting on Sunday afternoon and one at lunch on Thursday. We used Thursday to fine tune things because over the week things come up and we needed make sure that we stuck to our priorities. Otherwise, extracurriculars and external forces would creep in, especially over the weekend. The order of priorities is written right on the UA sheet.

Can you see if your husband will sit down with you today at lunch and plan out your weekend? If so, make sure to include a meeting on Sunday in your plan.

We need to sit down and plan. I'm glad you mentioned the UA sheet. I haven't tried this yet. So far, we've been discussing the week and figuring out time to be together verbally. We've come up with lunch time (1.5 hours- hike together, then out for lunch), and date nights 2 times a week, and morning coffee (1.5 hours), and before bedtime.

He is wondering what he did wrong by asking my son if he wanted to go to this activity. It wasn't for this weekend, he meant by the month's end, before their passes for the activity run out. I'm actually the one who said I don't like that activity, can we pick a different one that includes me?

It is a daytime activity that takes 5 hours.

I will print out the UA sheet today and go over it with him this evening. Thank you.

There you go Kat. I see nothing wrong with him making plans with your son so long as you two agree it is OK. That would mean that you and him have planned your hours together first and he could plan this event around your UA time.

I'd get that alone time with him scheduled first then let him negotiate with you on when he does these other things. Optimally if Family Time is important to you you'd be finding things you all enjoy so I understand your request to change the activity. If you can be happy with just the UA time then maybe this other activity happens at a time outside UA time.

Great opportunity here for you and him to learn how to negotiate and navigate in your UA time. This should be a regularly scheduled habit you and him get into. A partnership.

UA time needs to take place outside the house to be effective. Is your coffee time at home or at a coffee shop?
Time together in the house before bedtime also will not count.

UA time should be about 4 dates a week, 3-4 hours at a time. They should be out of the house, and include intimate conversation, affection and recreational companionship. The only time that you should count any at-home hours is for sexual fulfillment, that should take place AFTER one of your 3-4 hour dates.

The first problem is IB. He is planning activities without talking it over with you first.

The second problem is that UA time with you has not been fully established and he's already chomping at the bit to run off to do activities without you.

The third problem is that you have a need for Family Commitment. Dr. Harley has said that after you have planned your 15 hours a week UA, you should then plan 15 hours of family commitment time. This activity that you do not enjoy should not be included. You are not enthusiastic about it. You two need to be planning 15 hours a week as a family that you DO enjoy.

Prisca, you summed it up- this is why I tried talking to him about it. And it didn't go well.

I'll print up the UA sheet and try tonight. I'm starting to get tired of being the only one who is trying. He just doesn't get it.

This is why Dr. Harley recommends Plan B sooner rather than later for wives. The longer he drags his feet and causes trouble, the more of a drain it will be on your emotions and on your willingness to recover your marriage.

Are you still preparing for a separation, or did you drop those plans when he initially indicated he would do what you need? At this point, it's impossible to tell if he's really going to do what you need or if he's just trying to placate you while hoping this all blows over. That's why it is crucial that you follow through and make your separation preparations and be prepared to follow through with separation if needed.

I would suggest you set a deadline that you don't tell him about - say, three weeks from today, if he is still dragging his feet and arguing with you, you separate.

Markos, it's almost like he is reading here so I'm hesitant to answer your questions above. I just got a text from him, very loving, Can't wait to see me soon for our hike/lunch. Followed by another one saying he made reservations at a nice place we usually save for our anniversary.

And all week he's been sending me notes about how much he's enjoying our hiking/lunch together. Not one word or complaint about missing his R class.

To be fair, he's always sent me a daily loving text. But I know he is making an effort here. I don't want to discourage him and if he is reading here (wouldn't be too far fetched since I've sent him Dr H's articles recently), I don't want him to think I have one foot out the door.

For the record, my H does not make reservations except on our anniversary (not even coming up). He resists planning a lot. My scheduling the kids is one major issue he had with me and why he wanted to take our son on tourney's alone.

I'm so confused here. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.