Keep bringing it up.
"We can't recover our marriage unless we move."

This falls under the "Allow technical accountability" part of the checklist.

Keep bringing it up, once a day.



Don't try to get her to do it gradually. That's not how addiction withdrawal works.

You need to insist that she needs to give up all social media for your sake. Otherwise, you send the message that this is negotiable.

Will it be gradual in practice? Probably. But if you ask for "gradual" you will get "never." You have to ask for "immediate and total" to even get "gradual."

I complained about giving up social media, too. I was addicted to facebook. My complaining didn't hurt our recovery.

I been wondering, if running into OM can send WW back into the affair, suppose me and WW recover perfectly and everything is great and a year or two from now she accidentally bumps in to him. Is she likely to try to secretly contact him again, or start thinking about him for a month after that? It just seems like we can never really have a great relationship if seeing one person like that can instantly split us apart.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair?
Yes, it says even seeing someone 20 years after the fact has caused a re-lapse. It is why its called "EXTRAORDINARY" precautions and not simple...

IF you have a good relationship, you won't think about that.

I don't know if it helps, but what if your wife was abused by someone? If seeing that person triggered her and could hurt her and your relationship every time she saw that person.... would it really effect your every day life? Would you think about ending things with her because this was true?

Go to great lengths to make sure she never see's or talks to him again and create a romantic relationship and the pain of the past will fade.
Dr. H has counseled many many many couples who it is true that seeing the OW/OM might break them apart, yet they have wonderful, romantic relationships anyways.

Which is why you need to make "bumping into him" an impossibility. Which is why you need to move.

She's an addict. He's her drug. You don't let an addict come anywhere near her drug if you expect her to stay sober.

I just worry that she is always going to be thinking OM is the greatest guy on Earth, since they didn't get to have have a real relationship and see eachother's flaws. So it seems like I will always be 2nd class.

It does help thinking about it as an abuse, like Elaina7 said.

I'm thinking though, if she moves with me, we recover perfectly, but 2 or 3 years from now we return to town to visit family and bump into OM on accident. Could all of this pain be for nothing? Is it a guarantee that an accidental run-in with OM will cause us problems for the rest of our lives, or does it all depend? I know alcoholics that quit drinking but after several years they were able to start going to parties and places with alcohol again and remain sober. Couldn't it be like that one day?

No.

You will need to make "accidentally bumping into him" an impossibility. Which means you will need to move, and never return.

You cannot "recover perfectly," as you say, and remain "2nd class." If you recover, she will be in love with you. The only reason she'll still be thinking about OM is IF YOU DON'T RECOVER.

We had a huge fight last night. It started yesterday morning when I brought up the checklist. She got mad and I ignored it and acted nice. She eventually calmed down that evening and I told her about showing me the work phone bill and computer. She threw a fit and told me to sleep in the spare bed. I said I am sleeping in MY bed. She got up to leave and take the kids but they were crying and wanting to go to sleep. So she ended up leaving.
I tried to go to sleep, but couldn't. I looked at the phone account and saw she texted OM as soon as she left. So I got up and drove around to look for her. She ended up calling me and I told her to tell OM to meet me somewhere so we could finish this. She called back and was crying so I eventually went home and she came home.
She cried and was saying she has been doing everything right and hasn't talked to OM in a couple weeks but because I keep spying and bringing up the checklist that it pushes her away. She also said she has no one to talk to because she cant call her mom or sisters because she is afraid i am listening in. I repeated the usual about needing the stuff done on the checklist so we can get past the affair and start to recover. She got up, yelling and throwing stuff around. Finally she said she will do everything on the checklist but said she is also going to be the worst wife possible and try to make me miserable forever.

Okay, great Run with this. She can start with the no contact letter that you approve and mail. She can then give you access to everything, and quit all social media. She can also join you in preparing for your move!

Ignore her comments about trying to be the worst wife possible and making you miserable. Seriously, try not to laugh in her face -- that would be a love buster.

Well this morning she is calmed down a little and saying we need to just end it. She says the checklist only works if both spouses are wanting to save the marriage and that she doesn't want to save it. She said she was just going to go live with her mom. I messed up a little and told her that she only feels that way because she is still in contact with OM. She got mad and said she hates when I try to tell her what she thinks and feels. Then she said to just leave her alone.

I walked away and sent her a text saying we owe it to the kids to give it 1 real chance with 100% effort. And I also said I am sorry for trying to tell her what she thinks and feels, and that I love her and will do whatever it takes to make her happy and make the marriage great for both of us, but that we have ro follow the checklist since it has helped many other couples.

Do you think I messed up badly by telling her last night to tell OM to face me like a man and stop sneaking around?

I saw messages between WW and her sister this morning. Her sister is telling her she needs to leave since she doesn't feel the same way about fixing the marriage. She also said it is not acceptable for me to threaten OM like that. And that she is calling the cops next time WW calls her and says I am doing that.

I think you did awesome and you provoked the situation that may save your marriage. Take her up on her offer and get her to go no contact like Prisca said. Then follow the rest of the plan to get her to fall back in love with you. Prisca was just like that all the time - like trying to make love to a porcupine. Then suddenly the love bank deposits I was making were enough to make her fall in love with me, and I had it made!

She's annoyed with you BECAUSE you are making progress. Keep opposing the affair, keep insisting you will not share her, and win her back.

Don't minimize your lovebusters by calling them little mistakes. This was a disrespectful judgement, and it was a huge lovebuster to her. When you say things like that, it only confirms in her mind that OM is her knight in shining armor. You only make him look better to her.

No, this was not a mistake.

Oh well. I told her this morning to start the checklist over and make a commitment to me to end the affair. She sent a big text saying I am suffocating her since I keep doing this and she cant take it anymore. She said she is done.
I just said "promise me you will never communicate with him again forever". She said "stop". Then she started talking about random stuff and acting like nothing happened.

Should I bring it up again today or wait till tomorrow? I really want her to at least promise she will never speak to him again. That would satisfy me for a day or two until we get further down the checklist again.

Are you repeating to her how much it hurts you when she contacts him? You need her to agree to stop contacting him in order to avoid the devastating emotional pain it causes you. She is causing you indescribable pain by refusing to go no contact with him. Don't let her try to paint this as you being controlling. She is the one being controlling trying to get you to accept her interactions with this interloper.

I'm also worried since I was telling OM to face me like a man and he responds by telling WW he will just call the cops if I do anything, that WW will see me as psychotic or something. She also has her sister telling her it is unacceptable for me to be threatening people. I feel like that makes OM look more calm and normal instead of weak or scared. And it makes me look like I am dangerous and not safe around the kids or something.

You need to STOP worrying about how WW is thinking, or how her sister is thinking, and just keep following the plan.

Of course it is totally irrational for someone to think a man is controlling and smothering his wife by asking her not to have a boyfriend. However, your wife is wayward and foggy and that makes her irrational. You cannot worry about or change your own RATIONAL course of action based on her irrational foggy wayward thoughts.

Thanks Unwritten. Hearing that helps a lot.

I am planning on going to OM's house today to tell him not to talk to her wether she calls him or he calls her. I feel kind of stupid though, because he has actually been leaving her alone. It's just when she fights with me and calls him, he is very eager to talk to her. I want to make him understand that is not acceptable.

Once WW finds out I went to his house, she is going to complain to her sister and her sister is going to tell her she needs to move out and get away from me. And that is probably what she will do.

Saturday night in asked her to promise me she wouldn't speak to OM ever again. She said "do you promise me you won't try to fight him again?" I said ok. But since then she has fought some more and got wild and crazy. And today she changes the subject when I ask her to promise no contact for life. So I guess my part of that deal is off as well.

I'm just trying to think about all possible outcomes before I go confront him again. If he is even home. Maybe I can talk to his mom again at least. But I am also trying to mentally prepare myself for when WW finds out and leaves me tonight or goes and calls OM again. Or if OM calls the police or anything else. I'm not going to do anything crazy that could get me in trouble

I just went to OMs house. His truck was there but the girl that answered the door said he wasn't home. She acted like she didn't know if he was home or not at first but then said he wasn't. So he was probably hiding or something. But I told the girl to tell him I was there.

Shoukd I tell WW I went there and he was hiding or just wait for him to make a move?

I sent him a message right after saying WW is off limits and don't talk to her while we are still together too.

OM responded to my message already, so I guess he was at home hiding since he found out so quick. He wrote back "I am not pursuing her in any way. I am leaving y'all to yalls business. Do not come to my house again."

So I said no problem. If we split up y'all can do what y'all want. But not before then.

Shola I let WW know this, or just hope that next time she tries to call him he doesn't answer?

Please don't tell him things that give him permission to have any relationship or future contact with her. That defeats the purpose! "If you split up?" What? "While we are still together" Really?

Read your last two posts and tell me if you see what I am seeing.

You married her till death do you part, remember? You are legally obligated to each other and you love your wife and he needs to stay away. Done. Period. End of sentence.