It is definitely one of my most important needs. Too funny about the Royal Family!

I think printing it out and telling him what you need is the best way you can present it.

I will do that.

Beyond that it is up to him to recognize that he needs to act on your feedback even if it makes him uncomfortable. Honestly I have been impressed so far that your husband grumbles a bit at your complaints but does seem to follow up on them and act on them! So I think there's some reason to hope here that he will give you what you need.

Thanks for this- he's good at following through.

Here is something Dr. Harley wrote to me very recently:
"She tells you that you are affecting her negatively, so you then respond by trying to modify whatever it is you are doing. That gives her the feeling that your care about her, and she feels bonded to you. Handling negative feedback in a proactive way is a skill set that is very important in marriage, especially for husbands."

Good insight, thanks for sharing.


Your husband might like the audio books or the radio show. [/quote

I thought of that- I'll offer to him.

One thing about the radio show...

My husband listens every day. However, when he first listened, he felt that it was a waste of time since the programs he caught were about affairs, and he couldn't relate to the callers.
So what really helped us was to subscribe to the archives (very affordable) and download programs on a certain topic. Then add them to a playlist. So you could download ones about undivided attention or conversation to start with, and you can listen together while you walk or drive in the car.

It is fun to listen separately as well, and share our thoughts about it at night. At this point, even the shows about affairs can be applied in some way or another.

DQ, can you explain how you and your husband listened to the show while walking together? My husband doesn't enjoy reading much and he doesn't commute, so I'm trying to figure out the best way to suggest he listen or read the info. While we walk together might work, but wouldn't that cut into our UA time?

By the way, I love the show and at first thought the same thing- no affairs here so doesn't apply. But I listen every day now and it has helped me understand how to apply MB a lot. But I listen while folding laundry.

Markos and I enjoy listening to the show during UA because it gave us something to talk about.

Thanks, Prisca. I'd really enjoy this. I'll have to ask my husband if he'll try it.

Ran into a mom today who told me that she remembers seeing H in previous rec class and he was in front used as demo.

It triggered something for me. Trying not to feel hurt but I am. Feeling like he's going to miss that a lot and didn't want to include me in that part of his life, like he had this totally separate life from me he really loved.

I'm guessing you all will tell me not to bring it up again, right?

Leave the past in the past. Your resentment will fade if he keeps up with what he is doing.

Ok. Thanks. Having a hard time right now.

Think about the good times you are having and his current efforts.

I brought it up and it didn't go well. H told me how he really feels, that I'm accusing him of doing something wrong and not trusting him. I'm just being jealous and weird, because I got it into my head from "some guy" that he shouldn't go workout on his lunch break.

He later told me he does understand but doesn't like that I'm accusing him of doing something wrong. I tried to explain that I was telling him my feelings, not accusing him of anything. But I agreed to not bring it up again. He said "good."

He agreed to read LB and the Good Conversation article. He agreed we need tools to communicate better.

My H confuses me.

Why did you bring it up?

I had just heard the mom's comments and my H asked what was wrong. I was hoping for reassurance that he wouldn't miss that and was happy doing rec with me instead.

I realize I never should have brought it up. But now one of the instructors reached out to ask me if I want to get together for coffee after running into her yesterday. She's a friend of mine but saw my H more, at classes. So that's twice in one day the class issue and not seeing my husband there has come up.

I just don't think this is something that's going to go away.

What needs to go away is your H doing things that make you unhappy, or threaten your marriage. His RC time with other female's during his lunch hour did both.

If you are saying you don't think that particular activity is going to go away, is there a way the two of you can do it together? It didn't sound like it was the actual activity that you disliked, as much as the method of him doing it. This could be an opportunity for use of POJA.

So don't go to coffe and cut off that aquaintance. Just don't pick fights with your husband. He can't change the past. By bringing it up to punish him, you are showing him he can't win. Only bring up current problems. If you are being triggered, focus on the great present events, tell your H you are having a bad day and could use a hug. Then go do or plan some fun time together. Do You think you two could take a getaway soon?

If anyone asks, tell them y'all are getting into hiking instead, if anything.

Exactly, unwritten. He is not planning to go, but I will have to learn to deal with hearing about how admired my H is in classes and answer questions from other women about why he's no longer going.

I asked him why he didn't include me, invite me to join him more as I have done the classes too.

He responded that I'm not as advanced so I wouldn't be able to do his class level. Somewhat true, but still hurt. Not totally true though- it's not like a black belt situation. I can go to the classes (and I have) but there are some advanced things I didn't do.

If he had been more welcoming when I did meet him once in a while, I would have offered that as a possible solution. But like others here told me, it needed to stop completely because when I did join, he didn't engage with me much at all. He didn't even save me a spot when he got there first because he didn't want to tell another person (female) that he was waiting for his wife. And, he didn't even remember when I had joined him.

I will do this, great advice and thanks for the plan. Very helpful. I really just could have used a hug last night. He told me I went about it the wrong way. I admit I did, though I did not get angry. I was not pleasant though.

I'm not very experienced, but do any of you think Kat should still be snooping thoroughly? I do.

Let the past be in the past and focus on the current actions in how you choose to respond to him, but don't stop snooping and looking for evidence of an Affair or affairs. Recovery will go round in circles and wear you out if you skip this step.

After hearing all of this, I think that the activity itself is a trigger for you of him being disrespectful and uncaring. I would avoid this activity all together and find a different activity that you can build new memories doing together.

Every married person should be snooping; Kat37 should continue snooping hard.