Yes, unwritten. That is the problem and why I came here looking for help, which I got and am very grateful for. The past 2 weeks have been better than they have in 2 years (or 18 months).

But I don't know that he feels that way, based on what he said last night, that he still thinks I'm being unreasonable.

And thanks for the replies, apples. I brought up the possibility of a getaway to him so waiting to hear back. I'd love that and it has been a long time.

I think it is likely not about the activity at all, but rather the admiration and other needs he was having met by the women in his class. That is why he did not welcome you to class, and why he is having a hard time giving it up. It may not constitute as an affair, but getting his needs met in this way could still have an addictive nature just like an affair does. It could also lead to an affair with someone in his class. It is also another reason why he HAS to give it up, nobody should be meeting those needs other than YOU.

All that matters is he has agreed to give it up and has done so. Don't bring it up again. If he brings it up, tell him you are not enthusiastic about him doing (activity) and leave it at that.

Yes.

You're describing exactly what my instincts have told me and why I've come here for help. I know I need to never bring it up again and I will do what you've recommended if he does. It is very hard for me to not discuss this with him. I wish I could make him see what you've said above so he'd understand.

Remember, this plan is about action. Many say they are sorry and understand and was all wrong and on and on...but what matters is how they change their behavior. The right actions are the best apologies and understanding.

Apples, you're right. And my husband has been demonstrating the right actions since I brought this up 2 weeks ago. He will not say it was wrong though, what was hurting me. I need to just focus on the actions.

He just sent me a text telling me how much he enjoyed our rec/lunch time today.

He is very action-oriented. He's doing the right things.

What matters is what he does, not what he says. He doesn't have to agree that it was wrong AS LONG AS he is taking action to change things. You don't have to get into the "rightness" or "wrongness" of things. In fact, trying to define what is "right" or what is "wrong" very easily becomes disrespectful judgements. Even a betrayed spouse who is dealing with a wayward spouse in an AFFAIR is suppose to avoid debating their spouse about whether or not the affair is wrong -- and an affair is most definitely WRONG! And they are dealing with a situation much worse than what you find yourself in.

Stay away from "value judgements."

It's hard to believe when you are in the midst of trying to repair your marriage, but it really is for YOUR benefit to avoid talking about the mistakes of the past. Yes, he was wrong. But you don't need to get him to admit that to make things better.

Dr. Harley discussed snooping on today's show (rerun from March).

Ok, Prisca, thanks. I'll need to remind myself because I know it's going to come up again.

Another issue is it is on my mind a lot, so I find it hard to engage in intimate conversation when I can't talk to him about things I really do want to talk about. Not to blame him, but relationship stuff like what I heard on MB or what I read in Dr. H's book, etc.

Now that he has those materials, I'm hoping maybe he will bring relationship info up. I know I'm not supposed to try to "educate" him, and he resists that anyways.

Just started listening to the show now! Thanks.

I sent this article to my H Friday morning and our date last night was the best we've had in a long time.

Prisca, he also read the article on Angry Outbursts and the underlying irritability wasn't there at all last night.

Thanks so much to you both.

Just ran into another mom who told me she was recently partnered up w my H in rec class. She is happily married and was being transparent. I'm not jealous, just irritated that H didn't think to even mention it to me, despite knowing that I'd at least be interested. She is a friend of mine.

Just mentioned it to him without getting angry or hurt, just in conversation since we are w this family today right now. He didn't say anything.

STOP. If you need to move to get away from reminders, start working on it. Do not bring up old problems though.

Ok.

A couple more issues I'd love help with to figure out how to solve better:

1. We missed our scheduled date last night due to impromptu team dinner following son's last game of the season. We should have opted out, we'd had a team celebration dinner the night before. H left decision to me. Son would have been very angry and I'm already the one he directs anger towards as I enforce rules more than H. When I mentioned rescheduling date for another night this week H said "well you could have said no to team dinner." Also, angry son would not be good for leaving younger son in his care to go out with H.

2. When we got to restaurant H didn't wait for me to get out of car, walked up way ahead to join others. When I asked him to wait up, he did. I caught up and said "you're walking way ahead of me," he said "don't worry, it's all good." I told him it bothers me when he doesn't wait for me.

3. We had a 2 hour break to grab lunch in between games and H said to me "boys want Subway so going there now. Do you want me to pick you up anything?" He was going to leave me at the field with no car or other option if I didn't want Subway (I don't eat gluten). He was practically dashing off. I had to think fast to stop him and say, "wait, I'll come, I don't need to sit at field for 2 hours."

It's this lack of consideration that makes me wonder if he even cares about me. It didn't even occur to him that driving with me would be more pleasant than driving with the kids by himself.

Ingrained habits take time to change. You need to be patient but you also need to be snooping. Every time one of us reminds you that you must do this, you ignore us. The reason for the snooping is that no amount of gently telling him that his independent behaviour bothers you will cause him to make any real changes if he is having an affair. So you need to nail this one.

Living Well, point taken, thank you.

What I'm wondering if what if I continue to turn up nothing? If my H has had feeling for another woman he's connected with through rec class, I'd have no way of knowing. And my husband is smart enough to know that any acknowledgement could ruin everything he's built with me.

So I haven't read anywhere here how to handle if IB that led to connection with other women but no EA (at least, visible lines not crossed, no texts or emails exchanged, feelings not expressed). What if this is what I'm dealing with?

is there any other reason for him to not pay much attention to me? Or really care if I'm there or not?

I'm still confused.

Kat, I would say that your husband needs to end his involvement in your son's sports if it's going to cause him to continue to be so inconsiderate.

Snooping is for everyone. Each of us should be fact checking out spouse with some regularity. Did you put spyware on any of his devices, especially the work ones?

The behavior needs to changes because it is painful. We want to make sure an affair is ruled out so you don't waste time on unproductive activities.Affairs are handled differently than other IB.

Let him know you don't like it when he makes lunch plans with the children before speaking to you about the plans. As a couple, you should make plans and inform the children. One way to handle this is to discuss it before leaving the house. Also dinner after a game is predictable (common for any team that travels, especially the last few games of the season. Discuss how to handle this before the game.