And if he really isn't talking or pursuing your WW why is he taking her calls?

Have you listened to the clips in here?
"I Encourage BHs to Confront OM" Dr Harley

I havent said anything to WW yet. I am waiting to see if OM tells her I came to his house.
But I want to tell her, because I imagine she will immediately call OM. And I want to see if he takes her call or ignores her, so I can see if I need to confront him again. And I want her to know he is a coward and hid from me, and let her know I am going the distance for her. Not sure if I should tell her at this time or not though.

Thanks for reminding me of those radio clips, Brainhurts. I started listening but didn't finish.

Didntquit, I see what you mean. I thought about that too after I sent it, and it sounded stupid. I was thinking in my head "if I decide I don't want her, then you can have her." But I said it stupidly. If I find out he talks to her again, I will clarify a little better and tell him it's not over until I say it is.

I was trying to be real careful with my words since OM is a police officer and I don't want anything on record that could be used to make me look bad in court. He wouldn't face me in person so I had to message him, and I was imagining being in court one day with a judge reading my messages.

But I do regret saying what I did, and I realize it was stupid.

A couple questions:

Our 5 year old has never wet the bed before. Now he has done it twice already this week. I am pretty sure I read where Dr. Harley says an affair can affect children in this way. Is there a way that I can use that to help WW realize how she is hurting the kids? I would I mention it without being disrepectful or anything like that?

Whenever I refused to sleep in the spare bed the other night, WW actually tried to leave with the kids and told them they would never see their daddy again. I was laying there trying to read the kids a bed time story while she was yelling for me to get out the bed. The 5 year old actually told me, "daddy, let's just go in the other bed."

Of course all of that was my fault for making WW so angry and unable to control herself (she actually said that).

WW just called me at work. She just found out that I went to OM's house the other day to confront him. He emailed her to tell her.

She was furious, as expected. Saying since he lives with his mother and it's not his house, I'm not supposed to go over there. She said I am going to get arrested and somehow I am endangering our kids. According to her, it is illegal to go to a person's house that had an affair with your wife.

She asked why did I do it and I said because I am a man and I am going to fight for my wife and family everytime. She said she can't live like this and she is done.

She was mad too since I didn't tell her I went to his house. She said since I didn't tell her, that proves that I knew it was wrong. I told her I didn't tell her because I was waiting to see if he would tell her or not.

Well now you know for sure that they are still in contact. Has she changed all her contact information?

No. She gave me her passwords a couple weeks ago, but is still holding out on her work email and work laptop. I almost had her give me access to those until her sister told her that is unreasonable. So that emboldened her and set me back.

I am just about ready to give up. I'm to the point where I almost hate her. Sometimes when the fog lifts for a few hours and she acts like her old self, she isn't so bad. But I have 3 and a half months left on plan A and I am moving in a few weeks, so I may as well tuff it out a little longer.

Right after she called me yesterday complaining about me going to OM's house, she texted my mom complaining. She was threatening to tell my mom so I told her my mom and entire family and everyone else except her mom and sister support me confronting OM. So she texted my mom and said I am still drinking and have pointed guns at her in the past. My mom knows I haven't drank in a couple years and I have never pointed a gun at anyone.
My mom told her "well quit calling that lose and Bob won't have to confront him". I intercepted the texts and told my mom to just ignore her, so she did.
Today WW made her mom skip work to keep our sick child since she is angry at my mom.
WW ignored me for several hours after all this, but I stayed calm and when I got home she was calmed down too.
I did all the chores for her last night and sent her a text this morning saying I love her and to have have a good day. No response.
I'm going to just leave her alone all day unless she texts me, and keep plan A up when we get home.

Should I try to have physical relations with WW or just wait for her to initiate? I've been waiting to try so she doesn't think I'm only being nice for that reason.

She's still in the affair. She is in contact with him and refuses to end it. You are in Plan A, which is meeting her ENs as much as she will allow.

Is asking for her sex meeting her ENs, or yours? Do you think this would be a love bank deposit, or a love buster, given her current hostility to you?

Also, as she is in contact with him, she might be having sex with him. Do you want to risk getting an STI?

Ok, I was just worried she might be thinking I don't want her or something if I didn't at least try occassionally.

I'm 99% certain she is not meeting up with OM though. I have her tracked on the GPS, voice recorder in her car, notified our neighbors to tell me if any other vehicles are at our house and I talk to her most of the day and spend all of our non-work time together. So if they are still meeting up, they are way smarter than I am.

She seemed to be in withdrawal most of the evening yesterday. Either that or she is getting tired of me asking for transparency and is ready to take off again. But she actually did finally do a couple nice things for me.
All she has left is her work phone, work email and work laptop, which is still plenty. She will fight with me at night and reluctantly agree to share that, but the next day she refuses to do it.
I go through 3 or 4 day stretches where I am afraid to mention transparency, because she is in a combative mood and I feel like if I bring it up it will just push her away.

At the beginning of this thread he was a co-worker. Is he still? I don't have time to read this whole thing to find out.

No, he quit a month after D-day. Divorced his wife 3 months before D-day.

What keeps driving me crazy is that she can go 2 weeks with no contact (verified from their conversation on the VAR), and she didnt try to use her work phone or work computer that whole time to contact him. And he didnt try to contact her either. And she showed no withdrawal during that whole 2 weeks.

OM is really making me look bad. She told him not to contact her and he has done that, until she calls him and he is very willing to talk. But he is leaving her alone and here I am at home bugging her everyday to be transparent and give up social media.
She has to be thinking life will be better with OM instead of me. Even though I have been treating her like a queen and waiting on her hand and foot, she doesn't see it. It's very discouraging.

That's a very peculiar interpretation - that he is "making you look bad". There seems to be an underlying feeling that you feel our advice to keep requesting transparency is making your marriage worse than it otherwise would be.

I know the advice is good. It just scares me to death when I demand transparency and she says I am pushing her further away. But I am also afraid of being married and the affair going on forever.
Today is just a bad day I guess. She must have forgot she gave me her icloud password where I could see her text messages. Because I mentioned it yesterday and she said, "you wonder why I fight you on transparency, because I can't even vent to my sister without you reading my texts. That is an invasion of privacy."
I responded, "I am sorry you put us in this position. I don't like having to do this. But I will not share my wife with another man."
But the rest of the evening she was happy and in a good mood.
Now she is back to barely talking again. She had been calling me on her way to work and her way home, and texting all day at work. Not now. She is probably dying to call OM and complain to him. If she hasn't already.

She is mad too since I went to OM's house to confront him. She looks at it like I am threatening her, that if she calls him I am going to go beat him up. But I actually told him not to talk to her even if she calls him.

I'm wondering if I am doing a good Plan A sometimes. Should I add or change this? This is a typical day:

I text her every morning around the time she wakes up and say, "I love you. Have a good day at work."

I try to text or call throughout the day, if she is in a talkative mood I talk as long as she keeps responding. If she isn't talkative I usually leave her alone and don't keep texting or calling to get her to talk.

We go to our martial arts class at least two nights a week. On good days we talk on the phone the whole drive home (we meet at the class after work in seperate vehicles). Lately we have been skipping the class to do some projects on the house and yard.

At home I do all the chores and take care of the kids. I cook her supper and clean while she usually lays in bed watching TV. I do all i can to keep the kids from bothering her.

I try to make her laugh or tell her stories. Sometimes she responds positively.

At bedtime, I tell her "Good night. I love you." Sometimes she says it back, sometimes she ignores it.

We spend all our evenings and weekends together. Usually the kids are with us or we are doing a project together.

I had been texting her at work usually to talk about transparency. Lately I have been waiting to mention it at home after I have a chance to do something really nice for her. She gets mad and says no or says we have nothing worth saving or that she is done and getting a divorce the next day. I usually walk away at this point and go play with the kids and try to seem happy.

On days where she doesn't talk to me much, I usually text once or twice to ask her what she is doing. Should I just leave her alone on these days, or try to stimulate conversation? I don't want to appear to be accusing her of doing something or acting worried?

Also, I have no life and make no plans. All I do everyday is wait to see what she wants to do and then join her on that. Should I plan things and ask her to join me, or keep joining in on whatever she wants us to do?

She just called and was being very nice, but then she said I need to give her IPad back to her. I said the iPad is the only way I can see her messages and make sure she is not contacting OM. She blew up and said I shouldn't be able to read messages unless they are to OM. (We have 2 other iPads at home and Anda kindle. She has only ever used this iPad for reading, nothing else. She doesn't care about it another time except when she doesn't want me to see something.

Is it unreasonable for me to be able to read messages she sends to people other than OM? I just want to be sure in case she decides to throw a tantrum and run off tonight, I won't be worried that I am being unreasonable.