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Yes, my son and I went on the trip without my WW.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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It is no surprise that she is so distant, then. You have completely drained her lovebank.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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It was a trip we planned since November but we pushed off to now due to D-Day, which she agreed with but since refused to go. It was unavoidable as it may be the last time my son has a chance to see his grandfather, due to the distance. His health has declined significantly in the last year. Both grandparents were very happy to see their grandson for the first time in three years and we had a great time together. It is a lot more meaningful for my son now as he is 11, as he had forgotten a lot of the memories from his last trip.

WW became a lot more pleasant the day after we came back. I bought her her favorite snack that's not available here and she enjoyed it tremendously. We spent the whole day together at our son's games and she even laughed and joked with me. We talked about the upcoming tournament trip and we will be staying together in the same hotel room with our son. We ate dinner together at her favorite restaurant (I didn't mention our anniversary the next day) and we all had a very nice time. It is very paradoxical that all this goes on while the D machinery grinds on.

She received the flowers today and she texted me a thank you, she thought they were beautiful. She knows the florist and was happy I used them, she loves their arrangements.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Mar 2010
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It was unavoidable
No, it was not.

You going on the trip without her was a bad move on so many levels, it's hard to know where to start.

1. You don't take an overnight trip away from your WW when you are in Plan A. It drains the lovebank -- the opposite goal of Plan A. You were warned of this. You did it anyway.

2. Overnight trips away from your wife is not good marriage behavior, even for marriages that are not suffering from infidelity. Not only does it put your marriage in a risky situation, it creates an emotional rift between the husband and the wife. Again, it drains the lovebank and makes lovebank deposits difficult. You were warned of this, but you did it anyway.

3. Even if your wife were to do a complete about face and throw herself into recovery today, your marriage would not make it. You continue to make marriage-destroying choices even after being warned that they are destructive. No marriage can recover when a husband chooses to do that.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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As I said, this was because of family issues, with WW's agreement in advance with our son.

It is actually the first trip I have taken without WW in about five years. I used to travel four times every year for work in the early part of our marriage, but since then my position doesn't require much travel at all.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Mar 2010
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As I said, this was because of family issues, with WW's agreement in advance with our son.
You keep bringing that up, but it changes nothing.

Quote
It is actually the first trip I have taken without WW in about five years
That doesn't change anything, either.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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**EDIT**

Last edited by Mizar; 04/11/16 05:00 PM.
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Originally Posted by NebDane
**EDIT**

Thanks Neb, your words give me comfort and strength.

Last edited by Mizar; 04/11/16 05:03 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Came home and saw the beautiful bouquet, she placed it in our dining room and it looked great! Looks like she read my handwritten note too.

But I could sense something was bothering WW. We had dinner and I tried to engage her by talking about son's baseball games and school work, but she ignored both of us. After dinner, she asked me about something my L challenged her L on the spousal support calculation. I avoided all discussions about it and told her I didn't know the details, but we should let our L's work it out between themselves. She was pretty mad about it but I avoided engaging her on the issue. It's actually something that will swing about $5K in my favor every year but I'm going to let the L's argue it out.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Came home and saw the beautiful bouquet, she placed it in our dining room and it looked great! Looks like she read my handwritten note too.

But I could sense something was bothering WW. We had dinner and I tried to engage her by talking about son's baseball games and school work, but she ignored both of us. After dinner, she asked me about something my L challenged her L on the spousal support calculation. I avoided all discussions about it and told her I didn't know the details, but we should let our L's work it out between themselves. She was pretty mad about it but I avoided engaging her on the issue. It's actually something that will swing about $5K in my favor every year but I'm going to let the L's argue it out.

Great job at handling this situation.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
Great job at handling this situation.

Thanks, I've suppressed any talk about the D or M.

My L just sent her L the final separation agreement, addressing all of the financial issues. Hopefully this will be it and we avoid the court date next week.

I am ambivalent about her moving out... I hope the advice I received here is correct and that she will be able to calm down outside our house, and work through the fog on her own.

But I am also apprehensive at the prospect of physical separation which will minimize contact between us. I feel sad for my son, it will be a traumatic experience for him.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
[

I am ambivalent about her moving out... I hope the advice I received here is correct and that she will be able to calm down outside our house, and work through the fog on her own.

What advice was this? I know of NO WAY to force a WS to "calm down." I know of no way to force a WS to become willing to work through the fog against her will. That CAN be the result of separation, but there is absolutely no method and no guarantee that I am aware of.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What advice was this? I know of NO WAY to force a WS to "calm down." I know of no way to force a WS to become willing to work through the fog against her will. That CAN be the result of separation, but there is absolutely no method and no guarantee that I am aware of.

Sorry, I misspoke. I meant for my WW to be woken up from her wayward fog after she moves out. I understand you didn't guarantee any methods for her fantasy to be ended.

The settlement and any money I will pay her from now will be court-ordered though. She will get half of my paycheck every month, so I don't think she will feel any financial pressure from our separation. That is because of the taxes that I will get back from paying her the large temporary spousal support (alimony).


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
[

Sorry, I misspoke. I meant for my WW to be woken up from her wayward fog after she moves out. I understand you didn't guarantee any methods for her fantasy to be ended.

And believe me, I sincerely do hope it wakes her up!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Is Plan B in your future once she moves out, then?

Have you explained this to DS?
Is there an IM in place for No Contact?
Have you worked on a Plan B letter?

Last edited by OlderWiser; 04/17/16 03:48 PM.

Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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Originally Posted by OlderWiser
Is Plan B in your future once she moves out, then?

Have you explained this to DS?
Is there an IM in place for No Contact?
Have you worked on a Plan B letter?

Another veteran recommended that I write the Harleys, so I did and am awaiting their insight into my situation...


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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Question on Plan B: If we have custody exchanges twice a week, how would I avoid my WW? Would my IM have to be present for that?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Question on Plan B: If we have custody exchanges twice a week, how would I avoid my WW? Would my IM have to be present for that?

Not unless it is a baby. You can have the parent pull up in the drive way and the child can walk to the car.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is the Lost is I was looking for! Any updates, Lost? How's everything going? Did your wife move out? How are you holding up?

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Originally Posted by LostOnLeftCoast
Question on Plan B: If we have custody exchanges twice a week, how would I avoid my WW? Would my IM have to be present for that?


My WxH and I meet at Target. My kids are old enough now to get out of the vehicle and walk to his. I don't have to see him or have any contact. My kids know this is how it has to be in order for mommy to remain sane.


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