Mother�s birthday ended up being wonderful for her and for us. Hurray, we made it through a day without committing love busters. We even shared some laughs.

But Thursday was our day to discuss our conflicts.

Conflict - Issue about man cousin at church.

After listening to Dr. Harley anger management show this week hubby says I have AO. For example, when I wave my hands in the air or leave the room. He considers that AO and disrespectful.

Are those things considered love busters? I don�t think they are but we aren�t use to MB techniques. I use those methods because many times when I say we are headed in the wrong direction (love busters) and need a break he says he is not finished talking.

We talked about the complaint husband had about man at church. He said it was no longer a problem. So I asked why it was brought up on the show if it was no longer an issue. He said he just wanted to give examples of disrespect on my part. I wanted to discuss the issue because in my mind if it is no longer an issue it would have not been brought up.

This discussion was turning heated so I did my signaling. Hubby was going on and on about how he stopped associating with the lady in question. I reminded him that I never asked him to stop but what I did ask him was to require the lady to acknowledge all of us when standing together. She would come up and hug him and pretend the rest of us did not exist (kids and me). Only then, did he start saying this man did not acknowledge him. Most time I would see him shake hands with him and then hug the kids and me. I also let him know that just as I trust him to do the right thing that he needed to trust me. I told him about the female classmates, neighbors, ex co-workers he hugs. I told him I�m not happy about that but I trust him that it�s nothing more than a hug and the people are who he says they are.

Then I said ok, I think we both got an idea of what the other person is saying and now we need solutions. Well, he was not ready for solutions and just wanted to keep going. I finally convinced him of the break. About twenty minutes later I brought to him DQ�s suggestion. He does not want to talk to pastor unless we both do so. I am ok with that option but want him to take the lead on bringing up the subject. I told him the not participating part was not an option unless neither of us participated. But if we did participate, we could do DQ�s suggestion.

So I think we have a way to handle such issues and only time will tell.

Conflict - After our show this week.

During the discussion about this issue (my last post) hubby swore that it was all just a big misunderstanding because he did not understand my hints of saying I needed conversation and was feeling lonely. He stated he was not trying to ignore or punish me. Just a misunderstanding. I told him I felt punished and he said I was making a disrespectful judgment. I can�t remember what my final thought was but he finally said I felt ambushed, unprepared, and that the entire show was about what he was doing wrong. He said he had no idea what I told these people and that he did not get to bring out things about my anger outburst. Then he said but I will just have to get over it.

I asked why he had to get over it if he was not angry that day. Well that went on for a while repeating what he stated. I then suggested he write about his concerns. I assured him that I did ask him about us going on the show and that if he did not agree I would do the show solo. When I phoned the Harleys they wanted me to give him the number to make the final decision. I did so and he made the final call.

We decided that conflict resolution day needed to be over (which we decided shouldn�t be no more than an hour). We went back to our rooms. I thought about this again and sent a text stating my feelings that day were not all wrong as he wanted me to believe. He texted back he would not respond to the text because it�s being disrespectful to do so. I texted back if he was saying I was being disrespectful or that he could not respond without being disrespectful. Once we were back in a room together, he said he was not angry but disappointed. I told him he was not meeting one of my top needs of being honest and that there was no way I could rectify what he is not willing to be honest about. I said when we were in discussion he could have mentioned that then instead of telling me my love bank meter was wrong. I was heated and told him I�m not sure we should continue with MB.

About ten minutes or so later he said he did not want us to quit and he is actually looking forward to learning this new method. I told him so was I and it sounds like the kind of marriage both of us have been wanting but it was going to be a lot of work on both of our parts. We have agreed to continue. I gave him a big kiss as a reward. We then did our nightly time together television and snuggling.

Yesterday was a pretty good day for us as we did a lot of outdoor activities together.

However, I�m not sure if this is resolved because I don�t really know how to handle such a scenario when one is being ignored. You�ve tried to let them know you feel ignored and lonely but they go whatever. It�s kind of like when you are asking a child what is wrong, and they keep saying nothing. And then you try again for the child just to say nothing again but you know in your heart something is wrong because they are not talking or giving quick answers. Pulling teeth.

Update:

Provided hubby with a copy of this today. Will wait to see if he has a response or version.

My husband has made his response and is waiting for forum approval to post. Will he need to start his own thread or post his response here? I was thinking two different posts. There are some things I may want to question based on his response or vice versa.

He should set up his own username and start his own thread.

Hi str22one, a couple things stand out in your post. First off, telling your husband you feel "punished" is not a disrespectful judgement. It is an honest complaint. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage. A complaint is like getting an NSF notice from your bank. It is not pleasant but the alternative is worse. You can print this out for him and let him read it: here

Secondly, when the conversation gets heated, you should stop and leave the room. That is not "disrespectful," it is a protective measure so keep doing that. Forcing you to STAY and continue in a heated conversation is controlling and would be considered a selfish demand. He is not entitled to commit lovebusters against you by saying it is a lovebuster if you ask him to stop. That is a manipulation of the concepts.


That is like saying you want to be trusted to go drunk driving. The solution is to STOP hugging men. Just stop it. And stop affording inappropriate "trust." Of course he doesn't "need" to trust you. He needs you to behave in a trustworthy manner.


How much UA time are you getting? Where do you go on your dates and what do you do?

I understand your point. But isn�t trust part of a good marriage? In his mind and words he has said in the past, I always have a motive. I am trying to put some of these past love busters that have hurt me deeply, aside. But it is not easy and I tell you I still feel sore.

Like now, I�m concerned about old behaviors coming back. I�m use to getting a few good weeks and then bam full blown love busters all over again. Isn�t that sad, I don�t really trust him as well.


Dr. Harley stated it well when he said on the radio show, �I know why you are wearing your hair that way� and �you are trying to get the attention of men.� Mimicking the thought pattern of my hubby.

I don�t go around hugging men and I believe in my heart that I have behaved in a trustworthy manner. I�m sore about this statement but am thinking about what else can be done on my part.

We both are going to finalize this conflict. I am going to stop being so trusting as well when he leaves my side to go and speak to some female.


We are not even close to 10 hours a week let alone 15. When we do manage to get a date in away from home, it is usually to a restaurant having dinner. We have been in discussion about this for a couple of weeks now.

NO, it is not. It is not a lack of trust that wrecks marriages, but a lack of boundaries.


He should not be making disrespectful judgements, but you should not be hugging men and demanding to be "trusted." That is untrustworthy behavior that does not warrant trust.


Well of course that is a rational reaction. That is not sad, but a fact of reality. IT will take time for you to trust his changes are permanent.

See, we do not endorse or advocate blind "trust," it is bad for marriages. TRust should be based on actions that support "trust."



There is a huge difference between hugging a man and speaking to a female. However, neither one of you should be doing anything that upsets the other. You should not be hugging men, and he should not be making disrespectful judgements about your motives.


We are not even close to 10 hours a week let alone 15. When we do manage to get a date in away from home, it is usually to a restaurant having dinner. We have been in discussion about this for a couple of weeks now. [/quote]

It is a good idea to sit down on Sunday afternoons to schedule your dates for the upcoming week. Going out to eat is our favorite date activity. You can download the UA worksheet and use that to make your schedule.

Harley recommends FOUR - FOUR hour dates a week. Out of the house.

Blind trust is not part of a good marriage. Usually, when someone says "Just trust me!" it's because they are behaving in a way that is untrustworthy and makes their spouse very insecure.

Then it won't be hard to stop hugging men. Agree that you're not going to hug men and move on.

What you believe in your heart isn't what matters. What matters is if you behaved in a way that bothers and hurts your husband, and if you're willing to never do it again.

Trust is a feeling that is created by certain conditions. It's not something you can decide to feel. Your spouse has to create it for you.

A couple of times in my marriage, I have said or done something that has made my wife Prisca suspicious and worried. She responded by installing spyware on my computer - she found out everything I was doing online and on my computer and determined that I wasn't communicating with any women outside of her knowledge.

The result was that Prisca felt trust!

If Prisca was hugging men at church and I told her it bothered me there's a chance she might tend to balk at first for a short period of time. It's normal for her (and probably most people) to at first think "Why should I have to change what I do? He can just get over it." But judging by our past together, after a little bit of thinking, she would eventually agree to stop the hugging that is bothering me.

If Prisca continued to be upset at the idea of stopping the hugging it would be a major red flag for me. It would send my anxiety through the roof and make me worry horrendously. If I had had any trust for her before, that would destroy it - it would make it impossible for me to trust her. If I had just been slightly bothered by the hugging and thought it was just a little thing, this would make me think it is a major, big thing.

I never thought of myself as demanding to be trusted. I guess in a way I have always thought why do you want me to do something you are not willing to do yourself. You have to hug and speak to everyone but then I am sinning if I acknowledge someone that spoke to me or talk to someone of the opposite sex. Not talking about hugging. And I don�t go out of my way to hold conversation with the opposite sex.

For example (in the past); appliance repair guy called my cell phone (my elderly parents had me helping with a repair). I forgot to bookmark the number as such and he saw the number. I then explained who it was and told him to call to confirm. Instead, he did the AO thing and took my phone and hid it until the next day. So now I ask them to handle their own calls to best of their ability.

Another time (in the past); at parents home the insurance guy was telling us the name of the previous female agent. The name stood out to me and so all excited I called and told him what the insurance guy said about his classmate. I was greeted with an AO stating why was I telling him what some guy said. So now I pay the insurance bill at the headquarter office. Parents were finally ok with this although they had paid it the other way for so long.

I can give many more examples but that will not help. I don�t think it is all about me though because hubby grew up in a home where men were in and out of his mother�s life. And I guess it is not helping because I come from a family of cheaters (almost) especially when it come to the men side.

So I do not believe it is all about me. But I am willing and have started things suggested. A final question (I think) on this is how can I and he correct this insecurity issue (most of marriage life). We do not live in a man free or woman free world. I�m hoping the UA will help. But what else? It can�t be all on my part to make changes.

Harley recommends FOUR - FOUR hour dates a week. Out of the house.
Thanks goodness only four hours need to be outside of the home. Maybe we misheard or read at one time because we were thinking the entire 15 hours had to be outside the home. I�m excited now, we can get this going. Now I can get hubby thoughts.

Question:
Is he to read your responses to my post and vice versa (his post)? Or, do we pretend as if this is individual therapy.

Just In: Hubby just asked when am I going to take a break because even in couple�s therapy it is not done on a daily basis.

I told him Saturday and Sunday but through the week I try to listen in on the radio show, read, etc. So is it a good idea to not ask him to listen, read, or anything else for a while and see what happens?

This brings up my next discussion.

These are all examples of your husband treating you with disrespect. That is a separate issue. He should not treat you with disrespect. And you should not be hugging men. It is ALL about you when you do things that upset your husband. Has absolutely nothing to do with his mother or the cheaters in your family.


Don't do things that make your H feel insecure. And he should not do things that are disrespectful.


YES, the 15 hours needs to be out of the house. FOUR - FOUR HOUR dates is 16 hours.


Yes, he can read your thread but ask him to please post on his own thread.


Take a break from WHAT? It seems we are more serious about his marriage than him! He should be on here every day posting and working on your marriage.

He also needs to be on his thread every day and listening and reading EVERY DAY. Many of us went to the trouble of posting to him and he has not even responded. We are giving of our FREE TIME every day to you and your husband so he should be able to give it the same since it is HIS marriage.

People are not going to continue to post and help if they see he is not serious about this. He should respond to the people who took their own free time to post to him. Making one [post and then not coming back for 2 days doesn't indicate someone who is very serious.

4x4 hours.

Oh my multiplication.

Just before posting this I asked if he wanted to listen to the talk show with me. He said he would rather read. I said ok. He goes just kidding we will do the show. What is it about? I said annoying habits. Then a few minutes later, he asked that question about when do I take a break including from the forum.

I mentioned that he did not sound enthusiastic so maybe we should do nothing until tomorrow. He said he was just asking a question.

Now he is asking us to go ahead and listen to the show. I could go ahead and do so but don�t want him to feel pressured. And I want to feel he is in this with me and not just doing something to shut me up.

Ok, I am on this forum EVERY DAY taking my own free time posting to you and your husband. When will he be getting back on here answering our posts? The fact that he has not been here posting tells me he is LESS serious about his own marriage than the rest of us.

I have a full time job and a marriage. Markos and Prisca have a career and 8 children and they have taken their own free time to post here on behalf of your marriage. Your husband needs to be on here every day answering posts and discussing this plan. People will just stop posting to him if they see he is not serious.

I agree computers are a favorite of mine. I love to read and research and can do it all day every day. My pet name hubby gave me a long time ago was �pack rat.� He said I was always packing around a book, magazine, or some papers. Now that computers are affordable, I have not looked back except for our children�s homeschool books, the Bible, and now MB books. Books available as e-books I get.

I pack around my computer (faithfully) or at times read on my cell phone. But it�ll never replace hubby or my children. In fact, we have come to a compromise (I thought) that by 7:00 or 8:00 p.m. on a daily basis my computer should be set aside. However, if we�re not in the room together or doing something together then it should not matter. If he were to say let�s go or do, then it would be put up.


Yes, hubby is well known and is known as an ok guy. I think he is an ok guy but I think he can become a great guy. What I have not gotten through to him is that how I and the kids view him should be of MOST importance. More important than others. If I were to use the exposure theory discussed on MB, I�m not sure others will think of him in the same way.

In fact, before starting MB, (last AO with me) I thought police would need involvement and called. Once on the phone with them I heard him say, �now everyone in town will know our business.� Why is this so important?

I have always struggled to keep our marital business between us except for discussing it with two very close friends that I have known for a very, very long time. But once he said he was uncomfortable with that, I stopped and started seeing a counselor, Within six months counselor stated we should divorce.

At times when I have felt disrespected, I would say let�s run this by another female who does not know either of us and see how they would feel or respond about the statement you just made to me.


The job requires working 7 days a week at 5 hours a day. Travel is required but no overnight stay. It does take me 45-minutes one way (to and from). I think compromise has gone as far as it can on my part. The only other option left is to quit and that would not make me happy and will not make them happy. Here is the compromise with the client and so I thought with my spouse. Instead of going to their home 7 days a week, I�ll go 2 or 3 times a week staying longer some days. Other days here at our home, I�ll cook up their food, shop for them, order up meds, schedule appointments, bring their clothes here to wash, etc.

The alternative in our small home town will be to work at a hotel, fast food, or places like Wal-Mart and gas stations. That would mean less money, no flexible schedule, etc.


Yes, I work for my parents. I take my job very serious and try to treat them as clients when working (can be hard at times). I have asked for examples of this time and time again. What am I doing that cause you to feel I�m putting parents before him and kids. Before work, I try to see if he needs anything. Make sure kids know what homeschool books to work with just in case he does not feel well. Heck I will decide on our meals or even cook on occasions before going to work, set dishwasher, or try to throw in a load of clothes.

If he has a doctor appointment I can work that around my schedule. We have gone as far as parents and him going to doctor at same time. If you tell me this is ok, you can�t get angry later.


I am adamant that I do not want kids or hubby to mention anything else about my job because I feel that I�ve compromised enough. Yes, son hurt my feelings the other day when he said I don�t know what kind of job you have anyway and you don�t make enough. When I first started my job son was very proud of me and happy that he would be getting an allowance once again. But since hubby has been stressing his unhappiness, it is spilling over.

So when hubby went into gas station, I mentioned to son that he made me feel sad with the statement and he clarified what he meant. I told him in our area that is the highest paying job that does not require me to re-enter college or relocate. I gave him an example of what if you had a job and I would say that old peanut butter job. He laughed and said ohhh that would not make me happy. When hubby got back into the truck, I did make that request.

I am so tired of hubby saying we did not discuss this job. We discussed it several times in the past and declined it several times before finally accepting the final offer. We declined at first because we knew that sister living with parents is a royal pain in the assets. But now when there is chaos in the home, I don�t share most times or ask if he really wants to know. Not happy about not being able to share my work day but oh well.


We are planning to walk today because it is something we both enjoy doing except for the heat putting a damper on plans. We will not let it stop us today even if we have to move it inside the mall. Yesterday we ate out and it was a pleasant and a fun start.

The job should probably a good starting place to use the policy of joint agreement. IT doesn't matter if quitting makes you unhappy because keeping the job makes your husband unhappy. When that is the case, the job situation goes back to the drawing board. The rule of the policy of joint agreement is to never to do anything without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement. He is not enthusiastic as you can see.

I am sure you can come up with many reasons why you should keep this job, but they are meaningless if it does not make your husband happy.

There should be no compromise at all. Compromise is bad for marriage. There should only be win/win solutions. In this case, it is WIN/LOSE. So I would start brainstorming solutions with your husband that makes you BOTH enthusiastic. And I don't mean badger him into a reluctant agreement.

What causes fights and incompatibility is when you don't take your spouses feelings into consideration when you make decisions. You can see your husband is not happy with this one, so something needs to change. You can't EVER tell your husband that something is "off the table;" that only means that this "something" comes BEFORE your marriage.

This is a violation of the policy of joint agreement and your husband would be advised to keep this on the front burner until it is resolved. You should never demand that he shut up about his complaints. The things you say about this job are very, very troubling because it is clear you are putting the job before your marriage.

He is not enthusiastic about a thing that I do and I am exhausted.

I am exhausted and tired of going around the same old freaking mountains. He talked to me like a freaking dog (worse than a dog) and even acted as if he wanted to jump on me last month. But have nerves to be upset with me for not going with him to a doctor appointment out of town that he decided to cancel. He rescheduled and made the appointment together this month but here he is telling me that he is still upset and that it should have never had to be rescheduled.

I just told husband we have to separate and probably divorce. I told him we need to talk to kids tomorrow who will be devastated.

I'm tired of feeling sad and frustrated.