Thanks for inviting me to the forum. I�m here asking for separate advice from my wife str22one.

I can listen until my wife makes a point but when I begin she keeps interrupting before I can complete a thought. How can I get her to listen and not be defensive to what hurt me?

When we try to discuss an issue my wife stops and leaves. So what do I do when she comes back with a solution to what we were discussing?

I don�t believe my wife thinks it�s an angry outburst when she waves her hands at me, makes faces of displeasure, and says I am finished I don�t want to talk about it anymore.

My wife says I repeat things over and over. But I feel I am not being heard or that she is not retaining what I am saying because she continues to interrupt.

Hi cas98per, welcome to Marriage Builders. Weren't you and your wife on the show 6-14? I am listening now.

If things become heated or stressful in your discussions, the solution would be to stop. So your wife is correct in leaving the room. Couples should not negotiate when they are upset. The conversation has to be safe and pleasant.


Unless she has a hearing problem, she did hear you, so saying it once should be sufficient. She shouldn't interrupt and you shouldn't say things over and over again.

Hi, casper - welcome to the forum. I believe I heard you on the radio show the other week.


You pick up negotiating where you left off, as long as the ground rules can be followed and negotiation can be kept pleasant and safe.

I think you need to read Dr. Harley's Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html


It's not an angry outburst when she ends a conversation - it's exactly what Dr. Harley recommends to do.

And if a person has an anger management problem, you should NEVER try to force them to continue a conversation when they don't want to continue it - that removes their first line of defense against angry outbursts and makes an angry outburst much more likely.

Read through the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation - it will explain how this works and how, why, and when you sometimes need to end conversations and how to come back to them.

Discuss things through email. You cannot interrupt each other then, and it also allows you time to think of your response before actually responding (giving you a chance to edit yourself to remove any disrespect or demands). And it will keep a record of your conversation that you can review, or show to Dr. Harley if you need help.

This is a great suggestion that I've heard Dr. Harley make often!

Another great side benefit is that if all your conflicts are discussed in writing, then your in-person conversation is just for enjoyable conversation, which is a great way to live.

Is there a reason you have not responded to any of the numerous posts you received here? I personally took of my own valuable time to post to you and would appreciate a response. People will stop posting to you if they see that you are less serious about your marriage than they are.

Hi, everyone thanks you for responding to my post GOD bless you. First of all I am very serious about saving our marriage. The reason I have not responded is I do not like computers but they have caused problems in our marriage. My wife lives on it as I know many do and I have had to ask for our time together in which now we get at night. My wife posted for me and I did not know I had to respond right back.

The reason I asked her if she take a break is because too much of anything is not good if you don�t put it into everyday practice. I feel we need to take steps on major issues that we have the biggest problem with not try and do everything all at once. I enjoy the time we spend together reading our books LOVE BUSTERS and HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS more than anything else.

I am an outdoors person and have always done manual labor so reading and computers aren�t my thing but the time we spend together reading put me in heaven. I may be back with question or two when I can sit down and respond but no promises. I even enjoy listen to the show with my wife but I get more out of reading with her.

We did not say on the show but we live in my home town where I am well known as an ok guy so I know a lot of people. I also have worked in many of the restaurants in town because that�s where the jobs were my life so many people know me. ON the other hand my wife works in her home town 34 miles away where people know her. Dr. Harley stated when we first started with marriage builders that work related travel create problems and I agree because we may not have had the best marriage it got much worse. I also didn�t tell that she work for parents and along with that has come even more drama. I am trying to deal with my anger and insecurity along with me thinking she put them before me and kids best interest at times. Because of all this I see our kids are getting a lot of negative feed from both of us.

My wife says that we were in agreement on her taking this job but I know her family and I did not think for one minute this was a good idea. There is consent chaos at their home with people moving in and out parents other kids and grandkids and this bleeds over into our home. The other day our son said something negative about her job and she demanded that no one else me or kids ever say anything about her job again but it is effecting all of us in a very bad way.

I haven�t had but one AO and that was with our son since I told the one on the show thank GOD but not to excuse my behavior I apologized immediately. I feel physical ill when this happens with any of my family. My wife knows I am not a liar but whenever it come to me respond to marriage builders on even on the show she tells me don�t lie tell the truth why is this?

Thanks for responding, Casper. I would make it a point to come on the forum 2-3 times a day and post about your progress and respond to the posts, in addition to listening to the radio show and reading the books every day. If you would, please respond to the posts above. I realize "too much of a good thing" is not good, but too little of a good thing when your marriage is in trouble is much worse. You need all the help you can get now so you can't afford to cut corners.

The most important things you can focus on right now is:

1. Eliminating all love busters. I would read a chapter a day together and do the lessons at the back of the book

2. Plan your dates. 4 - 4 hour dates out of the house is the way to create a romantic marriage. THE PROGRAM DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT THIS STEP.

As far as your wife's job, that will need to be negotiated, but I would suggest putting that on the back burner until you both become more skilled at negotiating.

It may be hard but not impossible to put the work thing on the back burner because it affects all of us.

Even though I don�t like this computer business I don�t want to not give this forum a good shot. My wife says she w ant to more forward but I cannot see her letting go what use to be. Just like now she is sitting here and I find it hard to type my thoughts. I told her this morning with my first post but she said I am paranoid. I have no idea what she post until later even though I know she will read this I just feel uncomfortable with her watching right now.

I think we have started using what we are learning but I have a problem with her calling me a liar because it is not that I am lying she just does see the conflict the same. I find it very hurtful when she continues to use this with me. How do I endure this hurt and keep working on anger? I do know to keep prying and asking GOD for help.

Casper, thanks for coming back to the board and responding to my post. I commented to your wife about the job situation. I can see now that it is a pretty big issue. One thing I might suggest is writing Dr Harley an email and telling him about the job problem. I also responded to your wife about how to use the policy of joint agreement in relation to the job.

You can send Dr Harley an email at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Send him your phone # and he will call you.

Hello, here I go again trying this computer thing. After reading your response back to us my wife cried the rest of the day and night. I felt bad because I know she want to keep the job working for her parents because this makes it important to her. We still went for our walk with the kids after dinner but she was quiet. When we return home she told me that she was tired of the same stuff about the job and she was going to look for somewhere to live next payday which will be this weekend.

The next day I received this text. I am not sure MB is totally for us although they give good suggestions here and there. I don�t want to be a dictator of what you can and cant do, can and cant wear, who you can and cant speak to, who you can and cant go out with, where you can and cant work. Is this really the kind of relationship you want? Is this the kind of relationship you want for your son or daughter?

My response back was this now you don�t like MB when you were gun ho about it at first. You need to just tell it like it is you don�t want to be married because you want to do what you want, when you want and how you want. Quit trying to make me angry with all these ugly texts.

There are more texts from that day but I will not post all. Was I out of line with my response? My wife did not tell the whole story about doc appt. We had planned a moth ahead for the trip because we were suppose to also take the kids shopping. Her father was having trouble after prostate surgery and we jump up and drove him the week before last minute to almost the same place but when my turn come here go the argument a day or two before so she can use my anger problem against me. That�s another reason why it is so important to me to beat this anger issue its her get out of jail free card.

I have canceled other appt. out of town for same thing arguing a day or two before. She even told me to get a Medicaid driver to carry me. I help pay for the car she use to carry her to work and carry him out of town to his appointments . Our names are on the title of the car mine and hers.

Casper, it is critically important that you continue to avoid any anger. Nothing can ever be resolved if you are angry.

Marriage Builders does not believe in dictatorships because it does not believe in controlling your spouse. If you have a job that makes your spouse unhappy, then you are forcing your wishes on that spouse and that is a form of control. Controlling situations are eliminated. The foundation of the policy of joint agreement is to never do anything that makes your spouse unhappy, never force something on your spouse that causes his unhappiness.

Did you see my post about emailing Dr Harley?

Who all works for her parents? Any men?
It's very suspicious for a woman to be so tied to her job that she'd be willing to lose her marriage and family over it.

I notice you did not answer if I cross the line with my response to her text. I don�t know if I will continue to post because as excited about this as I have become thinking it would help it looks like my wife is using it to keep arguments going. If she asked me if it was ok to send her post this morning I did not hear her. Now what I did hear was after she read my post this morning she said it was ok to send but I had already sent it. I told her I did not need her premisssion to send a post. She been at this a lot longer than me and she has never showed me her post to read before sending this is something new.

She started me with this and just because you did not say what she wanted to here she want to quit. I am also tiered this has been going on for almost 3 years. We haven�t slept in the same bed for about 2 years I sleep in our son bedroom. She ask me to be honest but she tells half truths her side and if this is how it will be we will get nowhere.

Yesterday she was talking to a friend and I asked her if she saw the paper she printed for me she was posting about this morning and she ask me to wait a minute. Well I waited and she never came so I went and asked again then she came. She also does this when I call her at her parents at her reguest to see how her day is going. Her father interrupts the phone call most of the time and instead of asking him to wait she have me wait or talk to both at same time. All this make me feel like what they have to say is more important than me once again putting them ahead of me.

My wife have a fair weather friend that moved to Memphis that she calls or text when we are on bad terms. I don�t like her because her husband disrespect her by canceling their dates to go out with friends among other things this my wife has told me and I think she may be encouraging my wife to do wrong things. Misery loves company and have just told my wife lately that I am not sure about this friend but she even tell me she talks to her friend while she is at work at parents. I gave up my friends because they have this kind of behavior that her friend husband have.

I love my wife I know she is beautiful , smart and caring but this feeling of me coming second to others is something I cant get her to see she is doing. It may not seem like a big deal to her but it hurts. We have talked to each other badly with name calling but that�s why I am working on anger and have still not had an angry outburst with her even when she said she wanted to move I just listened. Thanks for trying to help!!! But I just don�t know what to do but keep praying.

I just read the reply you sent my wife and she will be angry but I pry she will retaliate. I don�t want to make her feel bad or angry I wish this could just go away.

Yes that�s how I felt that she was trying to impress a man because her brothers, nephew, bring men by the house with them sometimes and men even come to see her dad. When we started fighting about makeup she started wearing and her dressing she swore I was wrong for acuesing her of this but she didn�t worry about these things as much until she started working so I wasn�t use to this. Remember she work 34 or 35 miles away in her home town we live in my home town. I did not tell this on the show with the Harleys because I really didn�t want to do it and was not prepared I did it to please her. I am 54 and my wife 43 maybe my love isn�t enough anymore not to mention I have sexual issues because of strong medications. I dont think i will be posting anymore bacause it may be hell to pay.

Yes, that was crossing the line. It was full of disrespectful judgements - telling her what she really feels and painting her as selfish and a liar.

In a previous reply i meant to say i pray she will not ratliate.

You pushed for an answer about your text, and when I gave it, you did not address it.

I had to leave home i apoligize sugar crane I just returned to check thanks you for your help.