My Mother-in-Law is currently living alone several hours away in the same state. She has no interests, no friends and no romantic relationships.

My husband used to speak to her on the phone for close to an hour daily. I thought it was a little codependent and weird and I always thought it would be healthier for him to spend more time on his marriage and for her to gets life (some interests of her own, friends etc.) but it was not a major source of conflict.

Later when I became pregnant with my first child my water broke very early. We had just moved to a new city far from my friends and family and were living in a rented condo.

I was confined to bed rest. At that time I was panicked and distraught at the potential risk to my unborn daughter and my own risk of infection and a traumatic birth.

My mother in law was visiting at the time. When my husband would return from work instead of encouraging him or at least allowing him to spend some time supporting me, she would monopolize all his time and would require him to drive her around on errands (she somehow can drive at home but never can drive when she visits). I stayed alone in a pool of water crying .

I did temporarily forgive my husband and my mother in law for this,

until

A couple months later she came to visit. By this time I had a colicky newborn, no car and an absent husband who was building a new business.

She came to supposedly held with the baby.

She spent her time blasting my iPad all day watching movies and watching late into therapy morning.

She slept most of he day when my husband was at work and when he returned, instead of watching the baby and maybe allowing me a couple hours to shower, do some errands, etc., immediately upon his return she would have him drive her on errands and then go out to dinner. For many months I rarely left the house except walking with the stroller.

Additionally during her stay she would leave dirty cups and plates throughout the house. ordinarily an inconsiderate houseguest is manageable, but not for me after being isolated at home in a new city with a delicate premature newborn.

I understand my husband is also responsible, however there was one additional incident that put me over the edge.

One time when I was home I had her hold my newborn daughter while I took a shower. It was late afternoon and she was still wearing some type of rayon robe. After my shower I looked around the house for my baby. Not in the living room or kitchen. I checked the guest bedroom where my mother in law was staying.

I caught her breastfeeding my baby! I didn't say anything ! I just snatched my baby and slammed the door. I was afraid the tell my husband for many months and when I finally told him, he insisted I was lying or mistaken.

After that i became much more verbal about my dislike for and anger towards my mother in law.

My husband promised to put his wife mad child first (aka not take the side of his mother to protect her, but instead the best interest of his family) he also promised to act in a way to make me feels supported and to take a break from his codependent mother in law for he good of his marriage.

Instead he began secretly talking to her for many hours a day. He would use work as an excuse to sneak away and call her . They sometimes speak for over three hours at a time.

It is some unhealthy dependency that is effecting our marriage.

Instead of connecting to his wife and child he is clinging to his mother.

This is also dangerous for my daughter. When he is alone with her he often takes her to the pool or to the park. She is just over one and a half now.
Monstead of focusing on her he talks to his mother. She had fallen at the park and fallen in the pool several times and been knocked into the pool by another child when he was not watching her.

Even more dangerous, my husband was speaking on the phone to his mother while driving around 70mph or more on the highway. He hit a broken down vehicle that was stopped in the middle of the road with its hazards on. He was nearly killed and the car needed extensive repairs. We had to eventually sell it due to the damage for a low price.

I am worried for the safety of my daughter when she is with my husband alone. Our marriage lacks connection and trust mostly because of my husbands unhealthy relationship with his mother. As a result he lies about their relationship. It is impossible to trust someone who lies regularly.

I also want a husband who invests time and energy into the marriage instead of escaping into some weird inappropriate thing he has going on with his mother.

Currently my husband will not aknowledge that there is any problem whatsoever. He views me as unreasonable and he says that I should encourage him to speak to his mother as much as he likes.

I disagree. His relationship with her is unhealthy and based on her actions she is not only at least mildly mentally ill, but also has no respect for my marriage, me or the well being of my daughter.

Any advice?

Thank you.

Dr. Harley's position is that any care that a married person provides for their parents needs to be done only in ways that their spouse is enthusiastic about.

In fact Dr. Harley believes that every area of life needs to be subject to this rule: never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. It doesn't matter if one spouse thinks the behavior is unhealthy or unwise or if it simply bothers them for no reason at all - if they aren't both enthusiastic, then they don't do it.

I wouldn't spend any time trying to prove to your husband that his behavior is unhealthy or whatever. He will never agree with you. I would just try to get him to follow this rule. If he won't follow this rule, I would recommend you talk to Dr. Harley directly about what you can do to try to get your husband on board with following it. You can email Dr. Harley at his radio show at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com