My current wife and I have been marred for three years. Before we were married we spent half a day each Friday together with high quality time. It wasn't all sex but we got to know each other better that way and we had become very close. I felt like I had finally found true love but it does not seem at all that way today. As soon as we were married, the quality time ended.

She is very heavy even after having a gastric bypass and still smokes although not heavily. She also takes anti-depressants and has taken them for decades. I am concerned about her health and have tried to encourage to at least exercise lightly and avoid weight gaining foods. I have tried to do this in a way to not be a nag but sometimes I think she feels guilty because I don't eat the same and I exercise when she does not.

When I was being divorced from my first wife, I bought a low cost house which needs work. It is in the same city where I work. I had met her online and she lives two hours away in another state. My job is the one that brings in the most money and she can work here. She even had a job offer where I live.

Her mother and her daughter live in her house with her. I have spent most of my weekends trying to be with her and haven't gotten the work done on my house that is needed. Now it is critical that the work get done. This last weekend I had a critical situation that I had to stay home for. She came up for a day and cleaned my counters and we had some time together. Then she went back on Sunday afternoon to go to a fireworks display with her daughter and friends. The next day, the 4th, she went to her Dad's cookout and family get together when I was working on my critical problems at my house. Perhaps I'm being selfish but I felt very left out.

My neighbors and even friends say if she really loved me she would find a way to be with me. She has her own house and could sell it and move here if she wants to. She could live for a few years in my house if we could work on it and get it fixed up. But there has been no effort to work as a team to fix my house to either live in it or sell it to get a better house. She has expected me to extend my credit to buy a better house in order to get her to move to my area. She seems to be unwilling to take any risk or make any sacrifice to be able to be under the same roof with me.

To make matters worse, we began swinging about a year and a half ago. She has met two other men that she really likes and they talk with her and text with her frequently. I am not interested in swinging with their wives and would like to end swinging altogether. She gains more intimacy from other men and her mother than she does with me. As I understand marriage, intimacy should be met firstly by the spouse.

I have asked for the quality time together that we used to spend but it hasn't happened. She indicates a willingness but never finds the time. There are too many other people in her life and sometimes I wonder if she really is interested in spending time with me at all. Perhaps I am just there for her security and to catch her if she falls. I don't like to be a controlling person and don't like to make demands but I do know without the quality time that we should be spending together (and not with others in a couples swinging environment or anything else) the relationship will end.

Now when she tells me that she loves me more than anyone else, I can only express doubt in return. I know the swinging needs to stop and we need to spend the time together. She talks like she is willing to stop but saying and doing are two different things. She will still likely talk with these guys. I not sure how to resolve this and how to resolve the situation regarding where we live. However, I don't feel like she will take it seriously unless she makes significant investment.

I need and appreciate advice.

Do you support her financially? Where did you meet her?

I met her on the internet. I have helped her financially by paying off a student loan and a large part of a car loan for her.

Did you meet her on some sex site?

I am trying to figure out why she married you since there is no marriage here. You are married in name only so there is nothing to save here. Your lifestyles would never sustain a marriage because you don't live together. And of course, the other huge issue is the adultery. That is no marriage. Sure, you can make radical changes, but I seriously doubt she will do that.

If you could find a way to live together and will make a commitment to be faithful, there would be a chance. Outside of that, I see no way to make this work. In order for a marriage to work, you need to live together and be together every night. And you certainly can't engage in adultery.

"Quality" will never compensate for a lack of quantity. To sustain a marriage you need to be sleeping together every night and going out on FOUR "quality" dates a week. A 5 hour date once a week would never sustain a marriage. What was the plan to further your relationship after married?

The same could be said for you.

Yes. We thought we were in love. She had a job change and I married her to give her health insurance. I agree that unless we live together and have the commitment to be faithful we have no chance. After I helped pay off her 6 year old car, she has the ability to buy a 30k new Jeep while I have a 14 year old car and a 31 year old truck that I make due with. Yet she can't put anything up to help get into a house that works for both of us. Obviously getting under one roof with me is not much of a priority with her. Thanks for your response.

Unfortunately we didn't have a good one. It was not talked through and she expected me to put up everything for a new house in spite of the fact that I was paying a high amount of alimony and child support to my ex wife at the time.

The jobs where she is are not stable and people get laid off all the time. My job is stable. If I leave my job and can't pay alimony my ex wife will see to it I am jailed for the rest of my life. That will make for a nice relationship with Bubba but no marriage. She can extend her credit to the tune of around 30k for a Jeep but not to help get the house she wants so we can move in together. And you think I'm the problem?

Well, that's a very smart response, but where does it get you?

We can agree all day long that your wife is the problem. Does that help you in any way?

Yes.

It is not the case that there are only two alternatives to these problems: stay in your job or take one in her area where people get laid off all the time; she extends her credit or you can't move in together.

Your job isn't the only one in the whole USA that you could have, that would bring you a reasonable income and stability.

The only house you could both live in in the whole of the USA does not have to be one where credit is extended.

The issues need not be seen as your way or her way. There are many courses of action available that you should discuss together. But by all means, go on seeing her as the problem because she won't do what you think is the only sensible thing to do.

You are not going to make your marriage successful with that attitude.

Intimacy should be met only by the spouse!

Do they give her money too? I would suspect she has a little racket going on here. She managed to get some major bucks out of you, is she doing this with others?