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As far as no more travel that's not a realistic option really. You might gather what I do from the screen name.
Yes, we have had many, many pilots in your situation and they changed their careers. WE have had neurosurgeons, policemen, military generals, people of all walks of life. They changed their careers.
It is unrealistic to expect you can save your marriage without changing your lifestyle. Your marriage won't survive.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Partner is Boss. I'm listening to everything just state of shock.
She said the boss was really upset and willing to talk to me, said he was really upset. To be honest that does surprise me. What is your take on that?
He wants to manipulate you into keeping his affair a secret from his wife. They want to make you an accessory to their crime. If the news of the affair comes out, they will have to end the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
She suggested that we put tracking software on her IPhone and said she will be completely open about things now. She swears that at most it was an emotional affair and that she was just out partying with her friends.
I will add that it is a complete waste of time to use any spyware when she is going to see her boyfriend at work anyway. The whole point of spyware is negated if she hasn't even ended contact in the first place.
The biggest problem in your marriage is both of your careers. If you want to save your marriage, she will have to get our of her business and end ALL contact with the OM. You will have to find a way to be together every night, even if it means finding another job.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
As I stated before, do NOT discuss your plans with your wife. She is not your partner in this yet and cannot be trusted.
Since saying that you have asked her again about her affair (and then seemingly believed her trickle truth answer), discussed putting spyware in TOGETHER (which completely defeats the purpose of 'spying'), and now you are fixing to discuss the whole thing with the OM too.
Stop doing this!!!
Dr Harley hs a plan of action to kill this affair and save your marriage. It has been created from 40 years of dealing with affairs. It will not work if you just disregard the steps and let your emotions dictate your path. Things will get worse.
We know you are in shock and reeling. You want to believe it is not as bad as it seems. You want to believe her that she will just stop this and you can go on as is.
What you want to believe and reality are two different things. If you let her dictate the path she will sweep this under the rug and carry on with new more secretive methods. She will. I know you want to believe that *your* wife will do the right thing, we all wanted to believe this. But it is not reality when dealing with someone in the fog of an affair.
Partner is Boss. I'm listening to everything just state of shock.
She said the boss was really upset and willing to talk to me, said he was really upset. To be honest that does surprise me. What is your take on that?
He wants to manipulate you into keeping his affair a secret from his wife. They want to make you an accessory to their crime. If the news of the affair comes out, they will have to end the affair.
Exactly what I was going to post. The OM wants to keep you from telling his BW and thus fool you to thinking that the affair has ended while he keeps doing your WW.
Hell with waiting till Tuesday to quit. WW sends an email to OM TODAY that she resigned from her job. An you expose this affair to OMW today as well.
Then start your search for a polygraph test for WW. She has no where told you not even ten percent of the truth.
Alright so I took a few weeks off from the forum. A good friend who is a minister and family counselor as well as the MC said that give it time and the truth will come out. Fortunately I have a security background and have been very diligent with my investigation. I knew all along that there was more to this than she would admit at first. I was willing to forgive and move forward and the MC told me I needed to accept and believe my wife or not and move on. The guilt has been eating up my spouse and I could see it. The day I discovered the text and confronted her about them she stopped all text and phone calls. She has still been seeing him at work, but she swears that is it. Did find out she had bought him a small gift for Father's Day after the discovery and then lied to me about it. She has also admitted to going over to his house on three times. Some of the other dates I've confirmed she was out with a girl friend or other group of friends.
Three days ago we were in bed and I was a bit upset, it was 04:00 and she woke up and put her arms around me and told me she loved me and I'm the only one. She has been constantly telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she is for what she did. Anyway few minutes later she sits up and says she has something else to say and that this is now the entire truth. She told me that they had been together at his house three times and that the last time as she was leaving he hugged her and then they kissed. She says this scared her so much she needed to this now. She never went back over there, yet she did tell me she destroyed the SIM card because the OM had text her that he loved her and she knew I would hurt him if I saw it.
She did buy a Father's Day gift for him and tried to hide it from me, I found out and then she lied about it. She has since admitted she is a chronic liar, but now is telling the truth. Two other big steps, she has called a therapist and will start next week, she will be turning in her two week notice Monday.
So I see a lot of positive signs. Do I believe her now that she has made these big steps. The therapist for her is a major hurdle. There is a deep depression that she has that stems from childhood issues.
Do worry that there is more of an emotional bond than she admits. She just keeps saying they are just really good friends but she has never loved anyone but me.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
You need to step out of your situation and read your post as if it were somebody else authoring it, then tell us what you think. The number of logical inconsistencies is incredible. A chronic liar who is now telling the truth? If she were lying, how would it be different?
She still sees him at work. The affair is active. That is the obvious unbiased third person observation that I can offer you. All the wishful thinking and "expert" marriage counsellor rationalizations you can find will never save your marriage as long as the two of them are still seeing each other at work. Do you not understand this?
me-65 wife-61 married for 40 years DS - 38, autistic, lives at home DD - 37, married and on her own DS - 32, still living with us
The OM is married, his wife lives about four hours away. Have been thinking about talking to her.
We met with our Senior Rector from church at the very beginning so it means she lied to him. She is teaching his bible study while the rector is on sabatical this summer. She has agreed not to teach this Sindays class or take communion until she meets and talks to him.
I only others that know are a good friend of mine that lives several hours away and one cousin I confided in who lives two hours away.
Have Harley's book Surviving the Affair, I know it recommends exposure, but my pastor friend who is a big fan of Harley and recommended the book has suggested holding off on exposure. This is due to singnificant issues she had as a child that have resulted in the lying. He's like she is finally opening up to me about stuff after 25 years of marriage. He thinks as fragile as she is and always such a private person it would shut her down again and possibly end the marriage.
Without Ny concrete proof about actual sex it could have been just the kiss and it did scare her away. Now do believe that if I had not found out when I did it would have lead to a full blown affair.
The increase in text started 20 April. Do not see any late nights at that time. The first time I know she lied by sending me a text to not call she felt bad and was going to bed was the 12th of May, I was out of town and they had a company cookout. She got in about 01:00am in the morning. She told me that she went out with the girls partying afterwards. He was at home with his family that weekend so she had no late nights. He came back into town on the 16th so she lied to me that day and was out till 10:30. The 17th she was out till 10:30 and then the 18th got in at 09:00 and I surprised her by getting home a day early. She swears now that they had dinner and a couple glasses of wine the last time she went to his house and that's when they kissed as they had a goodnight hug.
After this last confession she swore she would stop lying she had already said she would leave the job and see the therapist. So while worried she might be playing the system I'm also worried about hurting the major progress she's making if it's true.
You totally ignored me, but if you had checked out these resources it would have helped.
My life is too short to help people who ignore free videos and the radio show and who won't get the book. If you will get these resources I will be glad to help you work the plan that is in them. It is the only plan that works.
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by 747Bubba
As far as no more travel that's not a realistic option really. You might gather what I do from the screen name.
Hi, 747, welcome to Marriage Builders. We are glad to have you but sorry for what brings you here.
Have you obtained Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair, yet? Have you watched Dr. Harley's video about infidelity?
Dr. Harley has been working with couples who have been through infidelity for decades. He has seen what will allow a marriage to recover and what won't. I'm sorry to say that if a couple insists that they have to have nights apart for some reason, it's a known fact that their marriage is not going to make it. You can keep the job - but don't expect to keep your marriage if you do, friend.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!
Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010
You need to step out of your situation and read your post as if it were somebody else authoring it, then tell us what you think. The number of logical inconsistencies is incredible. A chronic liar who is now telling the truth? If she were lying, how would it be different?
She still sees him at work. The affair is active. That is the obvious unbiased third person observation that I can offer you. All the wishful thinking and "expert" marriage counsellor rationalizations you can find will never save your marriage as long as the two of them are still seeing each other at work. Do you not understand this?
I tend to agree, but there is enough doubt there to make me wonder.
After the last confession she asked if we could pray together, we both got on our knees and she said a great prayer and asked God and me for forgiveness. For the first time when she confessed I did feel as though she was telling me the truth. I was believing her for the last few days.
Then last night we think someone tried to break into the house through the front door, it was very tramatic to her and I asked if it could be him. She was very upset through this entire event, she continues to swear that she only kissed him.
But issues I do have:
Why the gift after I found out? If kiss really scared her that much why continue text with him?
Positives she has opened all email (that I know about) and social media to me. We put a gps tracker on her phone. She is trying to be as transparent as possible.
Have Harley's book Surviving the Affair, I know it recommends exposure, but my pastor friend who is a big fan of Harley and recommended the book has suggested holding off on exposure. This is due to singnificant issues she had as a child that have resulted in the lying. He's like she is finally opening up to me about stuff after 25 years of marriage. He thinks as fragile as she is and always such a private person it would shut her down again and possibly end the marriage.
Your pastor friend does not know what he is talking about. He is not a licensed clinical psychologist and he has not used Dr Harley's methods on thousands of couples. Dr Harley has devised, honed, tested and perfected his methods, and he is the authority on how to use them. He would NEVER endorse "holding off on exposure" and he would NEVER use the argument that anything from anyone's childhood is relevant to the course of action that should be taken in their adult life. NEVER.
Your friend is not a "fan of Harley", or he would have listened to hundreds of hours of Dr Harley's radio shows and heard him explain his cast-iron attitude to exposure and his dislike of the use of "childhood issues", and he would never be talking to you in this way.
Your friend is not real friend if he is dissuading you from following the advice of the top marriage expert in favour of his hunches and common-sense instincts, based on reading...what? Cosmopolitan and Women's Weekly, by the sound of it.
He is hurting, not helping, you and your marriage.
You need to step out of your situation and read your post as if it were somebody else authoring it, then tell us what you think. The number of logical inconsistencies is incredible. A chronic liar who is now telling the truth? If she were lying, how would it be different?
She still sees him at work. The affair is active. That is the obvious unbiased third person observation that I can offer you. All the wishful thinking and "expert" marriage counsellor rationalizations you can find will never save your marriage as long as the two of them are still seeing each other at work. Do you not understand this?
I tend to agree, but there is enough doubt there to make me wonder.
After the last confession she asked if we could pray together, we both got on our knees and she said a great prayer and asked God and me for forgiveness. For the first time when she confessed I did feel as though she was telling me the truth. I was believing her for the last few days.
Then last night we think someone tried to break into the house through the front door, it was very tramatic to her and I asked if it could be him. She was very upset through this entire event, she continues to swear that she only kissed him.
But issues I do have:
Why the gift after I found out? If kiss really scared her that much why continue text with him?
Positives she has opened all email (that I know about) and social media to me. We put a gps tracker on her phone. She is trying to be as transparent as possible.
Have Harley's book Surviving the Affair, I know it recommends exposure, but my pastor friend who is a big fan of Harley and recommended the book has suggested holding off on exposure. This is due to singnificant issues she had as a child that have resulted in the lying. He's like she is finally opening up to me about stuff after 25 years of marriage. He thinks as fragile as she is and always such a private person it would shut her down again and possibly end the marriage.
Unfortunately, you are getting bad advice. The advice to expose comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. Your marriage counselor doesn't understand how critical exposure is to saving a marriage. Exposure is the MOST IMPORTANT first step:
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
Affairs thrive on secrecy, so by keeping it a secret you help it thrive and grow. You essentially become an accessory to the crime.
I am not sure what you need from us if you are going to take counsel from an inexperienced counselor that completely conflicts with Dr Harley's program? What is the point of posting here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I was willing to forgive and move forward and the MC told me I needed to accept and believe my wife or not and move on.
That is terrible advice that clearly indicates he has no idea how to save marriages. Affording blind trust to your spouse kills marriages because problems are swept under the rug rather than addressed and dealt with. It is not a lack a trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I bought Dave Carders boom as well as the Glass book, I know have the Harley book
You need to stick to one plan and stop trying to opinion shop. You have wasted alot of valuable time needlessly opinion shopping. Do you want help from us? From people who have actually saved our marriages using Dr Harley's program? Or are you here to blog about every other dog and cat program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
