Background (Reader's Digest version) married a bit over 2 years, not the first for either of us, courtship was only 4 months or so and way too short. After honeymoon, troubles began.

I am/was co-dependent but not as Dr. Harley listed. I thought, foolishly, that I could take all my husbands hurts and issues away by loving him enough, being supportive, setting the example. That didn't happen.

We fought about the same thing all the time - his lack of affection and sex towards me. No physical problem he said, just tired, timing, stress at work, etc. The trouble was, he works seasonally and things didn't change over the winter either.

He drank (a lot) and he spent countless hours doing fantasy football, however, there was never time for us/me.

I left after a year. He forced his way back into my life, and yes I allowed it out of hope and fear. And for a few short weeks, he became the husband I needed. After moving back home, it all slowly eroded away. He did stop drinking, for himself he claimed, however, the silent treatment (that lasted for days and was all too frequent) continued, the lack of affection and sex grew worse and we rarely talked. He couldn't even look at me if he did talk to me, choosing to look out the window or at the floor.

I left for good the second time one year later. This time I'm not going back. Basically, it's the fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I filed for divorce.

I did attend two marriage counseling sessions with him right before I left. During the one session, he said that "he even quit drinking for me but that wasn't good enough." I felt as though I understood why his treatment of me was so abysmal - he blamed me for not being able to drink. And when he said he quit drinking to get me to return, I told him he can't quit for me, it had to be for him.

We were also instructed to develop a date night, at least once a month to start. He told me when we got home that he'd be busy with work so I would have to schedule the outings and just let him know where and when and he'd see what he could do to get off. Those two things told me that nothing was going to change because he wasn't willing to put forth any effort to make it work.

I'm angry - more at myself for going back the second time. I'm angry that he tells anyone who will listen that I'm bi-polar or a narcissist and that he worked on the marriage but nothing was good enough.

Did I have faults, sure. Who doesn't. I began taking off work to go to fabric stores just for time alone. I didn't tell him. He'd root through the trash and find receipts and confront me on it. I didn't care - I needed the time from work and from him. I stopped asking him why he was angry and not talking - it didn't matter anymore. I spent our entire marriage in counseling to learn coping strategies. My counselor told me that when my husband realized I had one foot out the door, he would begin making some efforts. I had to decide if that is how I wanted to live my marriage, always with one foot out the door. I decided I didn't.

And so I am here asking all of you how to deal with my anger and how to handle these situations when I find out he is saying these things about me. For financial reasons, I cannot afford my counseling, so that isn't an option.

Thank you for all replies.

Why do you think he married you? It doesn't sound like he was in love with you when you married. What are his main complaints about you?

Honestly, I think he married me for financial reasons. He could retire, or quit his job and stay home. He bragged to his friends that he didn't have to work because of the money I made. That alarmed me but we were already married. And when I questioned him on it, he denied it. But that sort of talk continued. He has since our separation, filed for spousal support. So that confirms that is was all about money, in my eyes.

His complaints about me? I worry too much (when I said I worried about our lack of affection/sex). I didn't believe him when he told me things, like he loves me (because how can you love someone and then not talk to them for days? And repeat this several times a month?) How can you love someone and not look them in the eye when talking? He said I didn't understand when he tried to tell me he was just tired or our lack of sex was "timing" and when I asked him to explain timing, he never did.

I could tell he married you for an ulterior motive. I wasn't sure if it was for money or a green card. I think he married you for your money because I can tell he wasn't in love with you. In that case, I would cut him out and get some good legal protection. I am sorry to say that there is nothing here to save.

I knew there wasn't anything to save, and the truth is, I never felt loved by him except for right before the marriage and during the honeymoon.

I'm looking for ways to deal with my anger, which is more at myself. I also find myself feeling disdain for any male that attempts to talk to me and I don't want to be like that.

I have started going to church and trying to open my heart to God, which at times, can be difficult because we all think we know what is best for us.

Dr. Harley gives two main strategies for anger. The first is avoidance of the things that trigger your angry feelings - best practiced in your case with Dr. Harley's "Plan B": never seeing or talking to your soon to be ex again. You'll find this will bring you a lot of healing. Removing things from your life that remind you of him will also be helpful; you might even want to move to a new city or state.

Dr. Harley's second strategy is learning how to deal with anger when situations that upset you arise that you can't avoid. Basically this is done with relaxation therapy: you learn how to relax, then you learn how to think of something that frustrates you while remaining relaxed, then you practice handling real life situations that upset you while staying relaxed. You can find some more information about that here, and you might also benefit from reading the Anger Management 101 thread and listening to the linked radio show clips.

But I think mainly you are going to find relief in a good Plan B - no contact with your husband, and building a happy life for yourself full of things to look forward to each day.

markos,

I am going to use Plan B. Just now, I blocked him on Facebook. I had unfriended him a while ago, but now I've blocked him. I did move to another town, he is a bit over an hour away from me. I told him not to email, text or call. He only contacted me once and that was after I had him served divorce papers (he was avoiding service). I have nothing in my current home that reminds me of him. I rid myself of any of those things when I moved out.

Thank you for reminding me of what is important - building a happy life for myself. I haven't had that for nearly three years and it is well overdue.

I'd also suggest changing your contact information so that he can't contact you. You can't depend on him to honor your requests.

Hi Markos,
What do you mean, changing my contact information? Like my cell phone number?

Yes, plus change your email and exit Facebook. Make it impossible for you to be exposed to him and his crud