Our situation is complicated, but long story short- we have 2 bios and then he has 2 younger kids whose bio mom is a bit pyschotic. So we have some blended family seriously crazy drama on a regular basis. Ive tried to step way back whenever possible. Thats not the root of my concerns, but a layer to consider. It adds stress and enjoyment. Separating from dh also means me and the bios losing those 2 kiddos in our lives. So on to dh- he avoids helping with decisions by outright refusing or by finding a way to change the subject and put blame on me. An example is him getting mad I said we cant afford him to go bar hopping- he accusses me of being controling, but then I ask him to help decide how much goes to bills vs fun and he refuses saying he isnt good with decisions. How can he be mad at me for a decision he puts in my lap? idk, anything to not be accountable it seems. We work opposite shifts so we get a few min here and there, plus fri evening, sat morning, all day sun. But every other weekend revolves around the skids and that drama. And he sleeps till noon, further cutting our time. I try to wait up for him, but then I get cranky making any fights worse. Ive recently caught him lying about internet activities and he justifies that bc Im on my phone too much or bc we lack physical intimacy. Ill admit Im not meeting his needs there, we have such limited time together its near impossible. Then add in that he is an alcoholic. Mostly late evenings after everyone is asleep. Though this does affect my sleep when he stumbles to bed drunk. Or when he initiates intimacy which I refuse bc he is sloppy drunk. Or when arguments intensify bc he rambles on in circles and we both get horribly frustrated. The drinking is a huge issue, I wont deny that. But again I risk losing the skids who I truly do love and care for as my own. So do I try to meet his needs with an understanding he'll put some effort in soon or we split? Do I focus on trying to get those 15hrs couple time each week and see if thats enough to be satisfied, to hold on for the kids, assuming its 15 sober hours? Are there any ways to remove my emotions from the equation? Do I just give up? Ive been struggling with this process for some time and I want/deserve more from him. We had that love at one time and I hate to give up on it, to think this is hopeless.

Are you married?

Have you read this?

Abusive Marriage

Or this:
Alcoholic Spouse 1

Or Alcoholic Spouse 2

Or this?
Alcoholic Souse 3

Not legally married, living as though married, but for practical purposes separating would simply require that he leaves. Emotionally grieving the lose of him and skids would be and has been my hang up. As well as accepting this failed.

I have read the articles on alcohol, not the one on abuse. I have read books and internet stuff and have worked to understand the alcoholism and the verbal/emotional abuse that comes out when he is drunk, rarely when sober. Since he started the night shift job things got better. He decreased drinking, we decreased fighting, Ive had some time to heal and gain space. He improved self esteem, etc. The drinking was more late evenings when I slept so it wasnt affecting me so much. I could almost pretend the problem wasnt there. But the last few weeks he started drinking more and the fights have escalated. I thought it was stress over court or getting a new boss. Not an excuse, but I was hoping just a small bump in his progress and he'd get back on track. Now idk, doesnt seem like he's trying to work on it anymore. I guess Im just hoping some of the techniques here may help while that plays out either way. Or just to have a way to vent and be supported by others who may also be grappling with the idea of giving up. No matter the cause, grieving a dying relationship would seem a fairly universal grief.

Thanks, leaves. There are alot of problems here and none of them can be ever be approached until he resolves his alcoholism. That is just the starting point. The other problems are that you don't have a lifestyle or approach to relationships that would support marriage. The best advice I can give you is to separate until he resolves his alcoholism and then don't reconcile until you are married. [after resolving all the other issues] Living together as you are is a disaster to relationships. It sets up a renters mindset that eventually destroys the relationship. It's really important that you understand the dynamic behind living together.

Check this out: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. In the meantime, you could greatly benefit from his book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

ok so i left out a bit. We were married at one point, divorced due to him being severely depressed, etc. It was a rather messy time I try not to remember. I thought he'd put all that behind him, but it seems to have krept up again. We had separated for a time, which is when the skids came into play. I do get what you mean about living together before marriage as a renter type deal, I do. However I see no benefit to legally marrying him. It would hurt us in taxes, force him to count my income for insurance/medical stuff, while bringing nothing positive legally speaking. A spiritual union, yes, a legal union, no. Maybe its just my practical side in ensuring finances. Or maybe its all the past hurts and lack of trust, bc I will admit I do not trust him 100%. Oh and I hate when he uses that too 'just trust me on this' especially on topics he has repeatedly not kept his word on. Though usually its about how he wont drink too much and he'll be back at x time. I cant trust that. And he gets mad Im controling him when no Im controling my car and my ability to get to work and putting that as a priority over his going out to a friends..... anyway Ive had him leave before bc of this crud. I just cant stand firm on it I miss him so much. Its a struggle for me.

To clarify I probably wouldnt even consider a spiritual union with him at this point. Im just too unsure, too tired of feeling like he puts me in this situation of screwed if I do screwed if i dont. You know if I dont take care of things im a bad guy, but if I do and that affects his fun time Im a bad guy. I cant work miracles as much as he seems to think I can....... The book sounds helpful, Ill see if i can order that from amazon tomorrow.

Leaves, he has to fix the alcoholism part of his life before you can ever consider having a real relationship with him.

You communicating your everyday life and all the quarrels you are having isn't going to help you fix the one thing you need to focus on. He needs to quit drinking completely. Otherwise you'll play second fiddle to his booze.

Once he licks the drinking you and him can then work to build an interdependent lifestyle together. BTW it appears you have some good negotiating skills which is very helpful in building that lifestyle. But you can't negotiate with someone who is actively feeding their addiction.

Please listen to Melody and implement what she asks. She has first hand experience with this.

All of those articles shows how much Dr. Harley has seen and studied that as long as he drinks- there is no marriage and it is hopeless.

If he won't promise to NEVER drink again and to get into a treatment program- walk away. There is nothing to save if he doesn't.

If he does agree to go to a treatment program... you also have to prepare yourself by separating from him for a year to help teach him how to treat you and actually be married. No less than a year while he learns new habits. (you do see him and date him to help this)

So first things first. Without never drinking again and getting into a treatment program. No hope-you have no marriage.

I am sorry that is hard to hear and that you love your step kids. Its a tough situation but one unfortunately that you have little control over. Its up to him now to see what happens and again, I am sorry!

we have been on a roller coaster with the drinking. He has agreed to quit, but no insurance so no treatment programs. Ive looked into options and found little, all those with barriers, such as first come first serve and 2hrs away. We have little money, only 1 car, 2 jobs. He has no where to go other than friends who are also heavy drinkers. Not my problem, but emotionally thats hard to live. He did see a dr who advised a gradual decrease, so that became his plan which works for a bit and then doesnt again. Its hard to think of essentially making him homeless when I know in our area there are very limited resources for him. Plus again all the drama that will follow on the skids end, Im just not emotionally sure I can manage it. Saying to have him leave is practical and makes perfect sense on paper, but enacting it will be much harder, emotional, and messy. I just dont know how to merge those into a plan. It sounds simple, but in reality just isnt.

leaves, when I failed to stop my angry outbursts, my wife simply informed me I couldn't live with her any more until they were gone, for good. Where I lived was my problem. I spent a few weeks in a Super 8 motel. Turns out Super 8 motel therapy was very, very effective, including the fact that I had to figure out all the arrangements myself.

As for the drama, Dr. Harley has a plan here to protect yourself from that. You should follow it.

Most wives of alcoholics in Dr. Harley's experience can only take their husband back with the agreement that if he takes EVEN ONE DRINK he goes into a treatment program. If he didn't do that of course the consequence would be that he would lose his home and be separated from his wife.

As far as planning, don't make his plans. Make your plans. If you will follow the Marriage Builders plan then it will prepare you for a future with him as well as a future without him.

It will also speed up whatever is going to happen. Either he is going to man up and rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done, or he is going to drag you through many years of misery. If you will be firm with him, you can get that all sped up and either get a great man now or skip the years of misery.

where do I find dr harleys advice on this? the plan?

I get that it seems hard. It was very difficult EMOTIONALLY when I told markos he couldn't live with me anymore. You can do it, even though it's difficult to do. After he was gone, I felt very free and wondered why I hadn't done it sooner.

The difficult part is the emotions. There is nothing difficult FOR YOU with the rest of it. He's a grown man and can figure out where to live on his own. You don't need to lift one finger to help him in figuring any of that out. It'll be good for him.

leaves, I would suggest you download the Marriage Builders radio app and start listening daily so you can let Dr. Harley teach you the plan.

You can also read the articles that people have linked for you here. You might also get some mileage out of the link in my wife's signature that talks about what to do about an angry husband. I know you are dealing with alcoholism and serial infidelity and lack of marital commitment rather than just an angry husband but the concepts are similar.

Listen to the people who are advising you here - they are teaching you the plan, step by step.

I cant get the app but ill see what i can do to get more info. Im planning to go over some of the questionnares tonight to see if that will help me to see how big this is. I think its so easy to nit pick the day to day and ignore the big picture or block it all out. Bc really I wish I could block it, pretend its ok in the good moments, but then those bad moments come crashing over. Then Ill go from there to decipher how many issues the alcohol does get in the way of fixing, probably most or all of them. But being objective on paper will help. Then I can decide if asking him to leave is really what i want/need and how to plan based on that. One of you said you went through this... how do you plan for the emotions? for losing the skids? bc I have no doubt that will happen if I go that route.

I would put all that aside and focus on resolving the real problem, his alcoholism. The questionaires are a distraction from confronting the biggest issue. You can work on recovery steps [questionaires] once he stops drinking and has completed a year of anger management. There is no reason to slice and dice it, we already know there is nothing you can do until he stops drinking.

The best thing you can do FOR HIM is separate from him. That is the most likely thing to motivate him to stop drinking and get well. Your emotions will heal by being apart from him. Your emotions will never heal living with an angry, volatile practicing alcoholic.

Feelings follow actions. So when you take sane actions, your emotions will follow. Separating is the only way your emotions can heal.

I disagree there is nothing I can do till he's sober a year. As for the forms it isnt to help him or our relationship, it is to help me see what I need. I can say I need this or that, but to go down the list and feel the full weight of all of it at once vs whichever part is getting me that day. Im hoping that will help. I do get distance heals. I see much less of him due to work and that has helped. Ive stepped back from stuff with biomom and that helps. But Ive also worked to do stuff for me to care for me, yoga, painting, diet change, naps, etc and that has helped me grow. Helps me to see who I am, what I value, etc. Im hoping the forms will be another piece of that self growth. Maybe it would be faster to just do it and kick him out and grow by necessity instead of desire, but Im afraid it will be more traumatic and that emotionally Ill crack. I was teetering that edge last time we split.