There is nothing you can DO about the relationship. Obviously you can't fix a marriage with an alcoholic. But you can do something for yourself by leaving the relationship.


I understand, and we have told you what you need: to separate. That is the best advice we can give you.


You will emotionally crack from living with an alcoholic. That is what we are tying to tell you. Separating from such a toxic influence is how you will achieve peace of mind and sanity. Not sure what "self growth" means, but achieving a happy, peaceful, SANE lifestyle will be achieved by separating.

It seems like your emotions are preventing you from making sound decisions and thinking clearly. Are you aware of this? Do you have the ability to put aside your emotions and use reason?

So I can set aside emotions to make decisions but it can be hard at times and I have to slow things down to be sure. Thats agood thing unless another layer is added before i deal with the first. Then it just gets too overwhelming at times. Or its just easier to give in than to fight. I teach young kids, I outlast their tantrums, I just dont have it in me to outlast dh and I think he knows it. Yes the alcohol or whatever is more important than protecting my feelings in those moments. Im getting better at disengaging and ignoring but sometimes the frustration is too much and I need to let it out. I do have skills Im working on to help with the stress management so I wont get overwhelmed as often and can cope better. I get what you mean that living this way should be worse than being alone, it makes sense. It just isnt what I experienced. Before I felt miserable all the time when I was single parenting. Now I only feel miserable in those moments. It isnt rational I know it doesnt make sense my experience feels opposite of how it should. and maybe there were other factors at play I simply cant see right now. Im not sure why you dont get what self growth means. Im trying to discover my meaning or value in life, to live from my morals and not the emotional reactions. To seek peace, compassion instead of revenge, hatred, etc. I try to study yogic teachings in that . Im sure something is to that which would help in this situation, I just havent stumbled on it or truly seen it yet. Im trying to see the light here, but its like I only have a flashlight and the shadows are scaring the heck out of me. Maybe not a good anology, i didnt sleep enough last night and the emotions of this are taking a toll today, im exhausted and need to rest. Tomorrow will bring a fresh perspective.

But, you are miserable now. You aren't happy in a relationship with an angry alcoholic. Do you have the skills to take action to get yourself out of an abusive situation? Do you have the skills to put aside your emotions and make clear decisions? You have a chance at being happy if you are alone, but you don't if you stay in this toxic situation. You can learn to be happy alone.

Just think, as long as you are wasting your life in such an unpractical, untenable, toxic situation, you could be dating normal men who really would be marriage material. This man is not marriage material. He is a toxic influence in your life.

Your lifestyle contradicts every thing you say you want here. You will never have any of this while living with an abusive, angry alcoholic. You do live from your emotional reactions in every way because you allow your feelings, rather than logic, to dictate your actions.

Based on what?

I wouldn't waste any time with questionnaires, and if you can't get the app you can still listen to the radio show for free daily on your computer, and I recommend you start listening to Dr. Harley daily so you can understand.

As far as understanding what you need, every woman needs a sober husband. There's not much to understand there.

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and ask him personally? mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

I say this because it's Dr. Harley who says there's nothing you can do with an alcoholic spouse. We aren't just giving our own personal opinions here; we are repeating the professional advice of Dr. Harley who has been saving marriages for decades.

Everybody always shows up thinking they are an exception to Dr. Harley's advice.

Everybody also always shows up in a terrible situation where their own thinking has led to the ruin of their marriages. We all did.


This has nothing to do with whether or not you should separate from a raging alcoholic spouse. You're scared to take that important step and trying to change the subject.


None of that has anything to do with your big problem which is a raging violent alcoholic spouse. If you don't know who you are give your driver's license a quick glance on your way out to a better life.


How much growth do you expect a plant to make in the middle of a toxic waste dump? Because that is what marriage to an alcoholic is like.

You can dump a lot of manure/fertilizer/forms on the plant but if it's in the middle of a toxic waste dump it's not gonna grow. Time for a transplant!!!


It's not a matter of faster.

Toxic waste dump == no growth
Peaceful soil == growth

This "growth" thing is really a distraction from the thing you are scared of: separating from this man who hates you.

Don't try to "grow" first until you feel like separating - separate!

I raise young kids, and it's amazing how many times I have had to tell them "Do this anyway even though you don't feel like it."

"Okay, son, now put your head under the shower faucet and wash the shampoo out of your hair."

"I'm scared."

"Okay, do it anyway, even though you are scared." (Being scared has nothing to do with whether or not you can do it / should do it.)

These are all excuses. AA costs nothing. He doesn't even have to donate a dollar to the coffee basket if he doesn't have it.


AA members will take him to meetings.


Yes, it is your problem because his actions affect you.


Hard to believe any doctor really said that. It sounds like a lie concocted by an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit drinking. Even so, the "tapering method" is only an excuse to keep drinking. No serious person would ever recommend tapering.


This is the best medicine for him. You are depriving him of what he needs to heal from his alcoholism. You are his enabler. Hitting bottom is the most therapeutic thing he could experience. You are hurting him.


You need to man up here and start taking some action. Talking in cliches does not solve problems. Taking action DOES. You can CHOOSE to put aside your sick emotions and take action. Your emotions are leading you to very bad places and have been for a very long time. Your life is a wreck because of it.

Do you have the skills to put aside your emotions and make rational decisions?

A woman is not meant to outlast her husband the way she can outlast young kids. This is not a marriage. Leave him before you are damaged permanently.

Wow Leaves,
I am so sorry, your relationship sounds so horrible to outsiders..... I am sorry you have had to endure this!

Why don't you write Dr, Harley? Its free and he and his wife are so very friendly and wonderful to speak with. They are just those kinds of people who care.