Since OM tried to contact WW after I went to confront him a second time, what kind of message can I send him to tell him his chance of me being nice is over with. He has my number blocked so I can't call. And he is a cop so I have to be careful in what I say so it can't be used against me in court or something.

bob, forgive my asking you to recap again, but I get you muddled up with the other long-running WW cases we have at the moment.

The affair is fully exposed, OM left the company, and he also divorced his wife some months ago. Your wife claims that the affair is over, but she keeps contacting OM whenever she likes. Is all of that correct?

Is she saying that she is committed to your marriage, or is she protesting that she is only there under sufferance/for the kids/while she looks for a place of her own/or under some other condition?

The fact that she refuses to give you access to her work stuff makes me think that she has never recommitted - is that correct?

Why, then, does she say that the affair is over (it's obviously not over, but I'm trying to see where she is on this). Did he dump her?

If he is divorced, why is he not with her?

Why hasn't she left you (or filed for divorce to kick you out), so that she can pursue him openly?

My questions are odd, but your thread is so long, and your habit of tweeting almost every interaction you have with her makes it so muddled, that I cannot work this out for myself.

They worked together. He was already thinking of leaving the job for a different career, so on D-day when she decided to first reconcile, he went ahead and left and said it was to do her and favor.

He divorced his wife several months before d-day. Looking back at old texts, WW planned to divorce me on several occasions but woukd change her mind right before every time.

WW claimed to have ended the affair but said her and OM are just friends now. OM still wants a relationship but WW said that is not her problem.

Me and OM's ex wife exposed to everyone. WW moved out and wanted divorce.

I started plan A around April 1st and told her to come home. Her and OM woukd communicate off and on, and WW finally stopped and reluctantly agreed to some transparency.

She still threatens divorce when I bring up the checklist, but I ignore it and she is back to normal usually the next day.

She started at the beginning of plan A saying she was only home for the kids. Now she says the fact that she is with me shoukd be enough to prove she wants to be married. She says she doesn't want to do anymore of the checklist and I should trust that she isn't talking to OM.

I am planning on moving and starting a new job in a few weeks, since OM lives about 10 minutes down the road from us. I have only briefly mentioned this to WW. Haven't told her it's already planned out.

From what I can tell, she thinks since they aren't having sex anymore, then it's not an affair. She wants to be married to me for the kids, but have OM as her best friend. OM is just sitting back going along with whatever she says, waiting for me to push her over the edge so she will run to him.

Did the forum know that he lives 10 minutes away? Didn't we ever tell you to move right now?

Did you ever openly tell her that recovery was not possible under these conditions, and you would have to move? Moving is on the checklist that Dr Harley prepared, that is circulated regularly on this forum. Did you ever raise this with her? You can't recover unless both parties volunteer to do the things on the checklist. How do you come to be planning a move in secret? Why is it a secret?

For that matter, have you ever told her that she will need to change jobs, and probably give up work for a while, since the fact that she works is facilitating her contact?

I'm moving when my job transfer starts in a few weeks. I mention the checklist daily and I say "we are going to end up having to move since you will not stop." She usually blows up at that point and says "I am not talking to him but you won't believe me." I walk away at those points and act as cheerful as I can.
She doesn't know I am serious about moving. She thinks I will eventually give up and just settle for a loveless marriage. When it gets about 3 weeks from the departure date, I plan to start showing her how serious I am.

I haven't been pushing it too hard though, because it causes a fight and she definitely won't come if we fight non stop, I think. At this point I don't care so much. I need to leave the area to recover myself. If she comes, great. If not, maybe she will join me later or I will move on without her.

And will you be taking the kids if she doesn't move with you?

Are you fighting with her? If you are, STOP!! She can't fight if you're not fighting back.

You have a way of not really answering the questions I asked. You did this with the previous post in which I asked why they are not together, since she is clearly still in love with him, and he is divorced.

In this post, I asked you what the forum knew about his living 10 minutes away from you. You should have moved before now, and not waited on a job transfer. No wonder your wife still communicates regularly with him; you haven't taken her out of the environment in which she had the affair.

And telling her "we are going to end up having to move since you will not stop" is not the point AT ALL.

Moving house is mandatory if the OP lives nearby. It does not matter whether the wife "will not stop" reaching out to him. Moving cannot be shelved if for some reason she DOES stop reaching out to him. Moving is compulsory because recovery is impossible if you could bump into OM at any time.

Dr Harley describes himself as "adamant" that a couple must move if there is any chance of contact with OM. We had a poster here, bigkahuna, who put his house up for letting and moved the whole family out within days of D Day. They only went back when OM moved, years later. That is the kind of action that you need to take to cut you wife out of the addictive atmosphere in which she still lives.

The other break that needs to be made is with her job. She cannot continue to work outside of the home if she insists on using company privileges to contact OM.

If you had ever seized the moment, since she claims the affair is over, and put the house up for rent and moved, and told her she must either choose transparency with her work situation, or give up working outside, at least she would have made a clear choice of either committing to recovery or being on her own. However, all you are getting now from "bringing up the checklist every day" is her refusal to cooperate, and the certain knowledge that she contacts OM as and when she pleases, at work.

I'm not sure why they aren't together. OM wants to be. WW says she stopped the affair and is trying to work on the marriage. But she gets mad every two weeks or so and uses that as an excuse to contact OM. She also feels guilty about getting a divorce and keeping the kids from seeing me everyday, because even she admits the kids are way, way more attached to me.

The forum has been aware that OM lives close and has advised me to move. I had to take my time moving. I am not rich and can't move my family with no money and no job. I was under the impression that I should keep up with Plan A while waiting for my new job to start and moving day to arrive.

BrainHurts,

I never fight with her. A couple times I messed up and argued back for a minute, but that is very rare.
I am taking the kids when I move.

When Dr. Harley talks about moving, how far does he mean? Is it just to make bumping into OM highly unlikely, or to make it where he and WW can't easily drive in a few hours and meet up? Where I am moving is about 5 hours away.

You should have seized the opportunity to hold her to her word that she is trying to work on the marriage, weeks ago. You should have rented out your house, and got her to leave her job. Since you didn't do that, but you will be moving in a while, you need to work on getting her to leave work. What is the plan for that once you move?

4 or 5 hours + away is a good idea.

Is this your email?
Radii Clip of Dollarbob's Email

Yeah. That was the 2nd email they discussed on the show so far. Dr. Harley emailed me once also.

I still haven't moved yet. My job keeps jerking me around. We had been getting along good in the meantime, until today. They have had no contact for a month and OM started showing up to her lunch exercise class. So she got mad and said I was controlling her and that it's not her fault that he is doing that. So she ended up texting him to see if he was going to keep going or if he could go somewhere else.
She showed me the conversation in an effort to not make a big deal of it. I told her she should quit or let me handle it. She didn't like either of those options. So I told her again that there has to be zero contact forever, no matter what. She fought with me some more and said the usual "I can't agree to that in case he does something like this again." Now she is trying to be friendly and get along again like we have been the past 2 weeks, but I feel like kicking her to the curb and going to confront OM again.

We leave in 2 days for a 9 day vacation. I was looking forward to it, but not now.

The past couple weeks, I have been thinking about going into plan B once we get back from our trip. I pretty much am ready to call it quits. There are moments here and there where I want to save it, but overall I am tired of this. If while I am in Plan B she eventually decides to contact me and follow the entire checklist, I may try again. But I win either way. If we never speak again,I can say I gave it my best and I can be proud, or if she comes back eventually and is willing to move and make the hard decisions, then that would be ok too.

This demonstrates why it is essential that you move if you are to recover. Every contact will set you back to square one.

Yeah. I definitely see that now Prisca. I discussed moving with her last night but she was still too upset to have a logical discussion. She said our 5 year old son told her to quit being mean to his daddy and yelling. So she was blaming me for turning the kids against her.

She gave me a half hearted apology this morning and is trying her hardest to be nice today since we leave tomorrow for a 9 day vacation, but I'm still a little mad. So it's hard to be nice right now.

I'm just going to continue Plan A during our vacation and when we get back I am going to do whatever I can to move, since I can't keep waiting while my job keeps postponing my transfer.

I was looking at WW's messages today since she gave me the passwords a few weeks ago, and it accidentally sent her a notification. She called immediately and asked what I was doing. I told her. She said "i told you snooping in my stuff is unacceptable and i wont live like that" (after she gave me the passwords herself a while back). She said we need to seperate and she is staying at her mom's tonight.

I had noticed she sent a message to a coworker to tell OM to be safe at work over a week ago (he's a cop). So I repeated the same old same old about she must have no contact like she already promised me before. She just said "whatever".

She has done this several times before, but usually she is yelling and saying we are getting a divorce.
This time she is more calm and talking about seperation. She also didn't deny talking to OM, so I assume there was more contact since the message I saw from over a week ago.

The past couple weeks I have been feeling good because I know I am putting up with all this pain to save my family, but now that she has done this I feel just like D-day again.

What shoukd I do? Obviously I have to continue to work on moving away, but I doubt she is going to come and it coukd take a little while longer still. Should I just continue plan A and if she feels bad eventually and wants to try again, use that opportunity to demand we move? Or should I cut the last 2 months of Plan A short and go to plan B and try to get her to move if she comes back after the plan B runs it's course?

Also, she has 2 life long friends that she hasn't really spoken to in the past year or two, so I forgot about them during my initial exposure. Should I go ahead and expose to them in case they can help, or is it too late for that?

This all just happened in the past hour or two, so I am feeling sad and afraid for the future right now. At least I have the kids at home with me tonight.

Hi DB,
She could be using this separation as a way to punish you so you will stop snooping and she can continue her affair. If she finds out that her tantrum won't work, she might forgo doing it.

She needs to be separated from him, what is the hold up on the move?

Plan B doesn't bring back Wayward Wives, it is just to save you. So if you plan B, your marriage is over. Keep up with Plan A as long as you can.

What kinds of things are you doing for plan A?

Tell your WW that those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Also include that her affair has broken the trust. That the trust can never be repaired without verification that the affair is dead and their is NC.

My job was supposed to be transferring me but they keep pushing it back and jerking me around. So I am going to have to find a different job if I hope to move, and it is taking a little while.
I just started looking into joining the Air Force last night. It looks like they will provide housing for me and my family and i can learn a new career if I join. It looks like if I do leave though, she is going to fight me and try to keep the kids. Not sure how that will work.
For plan A I have been having conversations with her and listening and being interested in everything she says. I usually leave her a note or call her every morning to say I love her and to have a good day. I've been doing all the chores at home and everything she asks me to do for her. We have been spending all our leisure time together on the weekends.

She previously let me have her IPad and passwords to prove she wasn't contacting OM. Last night she said to give her IPad back to her. Shoukd I give it to her and just say she is going to have to give it back when she decides to be transparent again?