Hello,
First off, I wanted to say thank you. If I didn't find your website things would have been so different and I would have driven myself insane.

I know a lot of your topics have to do with marriage but my fianc� and I are just engaged. I will describe my situation as clear as possible and I would love some feedback.

I have been engaged to my fianc� Jaz for almost 2 years. Two weeks before the wedding, he told me he was scared and wanted to postpone it. I was devastated but I agreed if that was what he wanted I would support him. However, he told me that he needed some time to think clearly and the week we were supposed to be on our honeymoon he took the time to figure out what was going on by himself.

I was blind sided by his decision to postpone the wedding. We had a great relationship and I felt we were madly in love. I I didn't know what went wrong.

I allowed him to take this trip to find some peace but I felt there was someone else. I found out bits of information from his friends that there was someone he met on his bachelor party but no explicit details because everyone was shocked as well and didn't think he really was interested in her. He lied to everyone and kept many secrets during this time.

During the week he was gone, I heard from him sparingly but it took hours of waiting. He finally called me when he was at the airport and told me the truth. He pretty much told me that we were over and that he fell in love with this girl from his bachelor party. He told me he would be home the next day.

We live in California in a house that we bought. However he went and visited this girl in Colorado from his bachelor party. He came back and I could tell he still had feelings for me. After a week, of talking to this girl and trying to work on us, I finally told him I couldn't do this and that he had to leave the house since he was trying to have both of us.

After two days that he was kicked out, he came to me and said he was willing to let her go. I told him that he would have to call her, in front of me, and end it. He agreed and by Friday evening he called her in front of me. He was devastated and you could tell they fell for each other in a week of hanging out.

After the phone call, he cried like crazy. I consoled him but I knew he was devastated. The next day, I showed him your website and had him read the section on what he is feeling once he confronts the other woman. He agrees he is in the withdrawal stage because he really loved this girl but he knew this situation was like a drug. His last history has dealt with him cheating so I think he could relate. He also continued to read that in order to work on us, he has to completely lose contact with this girl.

This is where we stand now. It hurts so bad because he is a little standoff but then will open up to me at times. It's now only been two days since he called her. I'm concerned about myself. How do I know we can make this work? He says he loves me and that we had a great relationship before this all happened but this big incident of cheating still lingers since it is still fresh.

I am very glad he told me the truth, but I am still very guarded because he left me without any concern of my feelings and his many lies to get to Colorado.

What do I do next? I love him very much and this is why I've held on so far. Can we make it?

Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Vanessa

If you don't have kids, sell the house and run. He has failed the test for marriage.

I agree. You don't want to go through this years into the marriage or after you have kids. I know very well the feeling that this is the only person you'll ever love/who will ever love you, but it's simply not the case.

Thank you for your response and your time to respond to my post.

Hi Vanessa!
I am sorry for the reason that brought you here but it may be a blessing in disguise.

You aren't married yet-that is why everyone is saying run!

Dr. Harley talks about how difficult and tremendously hard truly recovering from cheating is. For those who have been married, have years and year and kids together, it makes sense to try to endure the extreme hardship and make it work.

You have none of that going for you which would in DR. H estimate= tell you that it is not if, but when he will do this again.

*He dropped you like a sack of potatoes over meeting a girl once!!!!!!* Seriously! I personally would punch him for also dropping this just before our wedding.

That man has failed one of the biggest marriage test: faithfulness!!!!! Please do yourself a favor and don't endure such horrific treatment- go find a better man!

So- we are trying to save you from more heartache through (recovery which is so hard that many still don't make it) OR more affairs possibly before or after you marry.

Personally-How could I trust him to even speak to another female on earth? He can drop me over one meet with some cute girl, throw us away???? You would never know who the next "girl" would be! Why would you want to sign up for that when you don't have too!
Take this a a blessing to see the TRUTH of who your fiancee is and run!!!!

Thanks Elaina! I know this is so difficult and I completely understand what you are telling me. I just don't know why I can't break it off. I still have hope that we can get through this. I guess I've talked to too many people now who have similar situations as myself. Some have ended badly and some free stronger together. I just need a little more time to figure it out.

Thank you for all your feedback! I really appreciate it.

I understand why you can't break it off- he still has a large love bank balance (your still in love) and it can lead you astray. It why abused women stay.

You know a lot of couples that were not married- just engaged -that had the guy dump his fiancee two weeks before the wedding for a chick they met once (take off and enjoy honeymoon by himself and then go after this chick and after she probably dumped him.... he comes crawling back to her and these couples worked it out? REALLY????

I think the circumstances are different enough to say this is a horrific, horrific thing he did!!!! One that you never come back from!

You need to look at this from your logic right now. Dr Harley who has counseled thousands upon thousands of couples would say your chances are less than a percent!!!!

I have been married. You need a guy who is willing to have extraordinary precautions against this, who puts you first above anyone or anything, with negotiation skills where you come to enthusiastic agreements and someone who is there thick and thin. This is WHY we date! He failed!!!
I mean, this is how he treats you when things are good!!!! I shudder to think if you had real problems.

I am saying this as someone objective. If you were my daughter I would be doing everything in my power to make you leave someone so horrible. (it wouldn't matter how amazing he was up until that point- this huge, huge, huge, thing he did TO you was so abusive and stupid, it was a true test of character)

I would go buy DR. H book, Buyers, renters and freeloaders before you decide. I really think it would help you!

I am truly and deeply sorry you had to find out who he is like this and for the pain it has caused you and for the pain to come. Hugs!